13 December 2003

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

1. Bit Miserable Today Karl (0:00:00)

Karl's annoyed that Becky has dropped off some presents for just Ricky and Steve. Also he's worked for Xfm for 6 years and is getting 2 CDs for Christmas. He's chosen Kings of Leon and The Best of Bob Marley. You wouldn't give a milkman 2 bottles of milk. Karl doesn't like moaning.

2. She's Done Alright (0:03:45)

Ricky suggests Karl ask the listeners for Christmas gifts. He and Steve are trying to get Karl to buy Suzanne a gift but he'll buy her something in Lanzarote when they go away. Karl's worried he's be down if he bought her something and she didn't buy him something back. Karl will give her one of the two CDs he got from Xfm. Karl's beach attire.

3. Next Week, Prisms (0:07:54)

Email in where Lanzarote is. Karl's got a fact: they've counted how many fish are in the sea (a lot). Steve is perplexed by the etymology of the expression "the birds and the bees". Karl recounts the sex ed video they showed in his school and the girl who subsequently fainted. A kid in Ricky's class thought a baby came out of an arse, and Steve wants schools to teach technique. Karl was disappointed by the programme about the kid who had his twin inside him until he was 7. There was a show on Discovery he'd like people to send in about a baby with 4 legs.

4. Depends What You Wants From a Holiday (0:14:23)

Paul McCartney sounds like Richard Burton, but the Beatles are one of the best bands ever. People are slagging off Lanzarote. Do not try to use horses to mend eggs. Foxy has had egg on his face during most of Pop Idol. Karl wasn't impressed by New York, nor Venice. Someone has emailed in some old Rockbusters to see if Karl can get them, and Ricky reassesses a few. Karl couldn't concentrate on this week's clues because Ricky was in the office trying to spray deodorant around.

5. Imagine If This Was Mastermind (0:20:05)

Not a positive word on Lanzarote so far. Karl's not bothered, and has a Rich Hall book. A listener is having a problem with their computer; everyone is sped up except Karl. Steve reads the Rockbusters prizes and they big it up, but Karl's not sure about his third clue and gives up.

6. What's Wrong With You People! (0:23:25)

The boys don't know what "Oh My Corazon" means. Karl gives the clues again and Ricky calls it "Blockbusters" by mistake. Ricky and Steve anticipate Karl's black ash holiday upcoming. Steve saw the 3rd Lord Of The Rings movie and Ricky wants to punch Harry Potter's face in. The whole world's gone crazy for all of it and Ricky and Steve are baffled. Ricky saw some people playing an inscrutable game, and Steve can't understand what is hilarious about Gollum ("a computer animated Gandhi"). Shakespeare invented words; Ricky and Steve roleplay him and his wife and chat about the invention of new words and the transfer of foreign words into English. Ricky doesn't think we need all the words we have. Bruce Forsooth, do you know him?

7. Land's-a-Grotty (0:30:53)

Those who've been there, have a nickname for Lanzarote. More Lord of the Rings chat. Steve had a friend in university who brought his homemade Star Trek costume with him. Steve saw a guy in a Star Wars: Phantom Menace t-shirt the other day. Ricky loves fat goths, and 42 year old goths whose main hobby is looking like Nosferatu. Steve recounts when he saw the girl on the tube with the anti-society bag. Englishmen shouldn't wear cowboy boots but Ricky had some, along with his tight jeans and red "bullshit" sweatshirt. When he was 26, he had a leather jacket on which he painted an 'acid house' smiley face. More chat about Ricky's New Romantic phase and how it came about. Karl's mam got him some would-be Doctor Martens that turned out to be granny boots.

8. You Might Be Educationally Subnormal (0:38:23)

Ricky wants to know how many English words there are. Karl heard about a man who remembers what page in the dictionary a word is on. The Rockbusters answers elicit a psychological diagnosis of Karl from Ricky and Steve. Steve suggests listeners shoot off and do Christmas shopping during Monkey News to come.

9. Karl Bringing That Average Down (0:43:21)

It's about 290,000 words in the English language or 3 million including jargon and scientific terms. The average person has 20,000 words in their vocabulary and uses 2,000 per week. Karl again recounts his frustration with the word "antediluvian". There have been more calls this week for Karl's resignation than ever, but he's just paid to press the buttons. He no longer gets Mondays off but he's not moaning about it. Karl In A Film this week is the old version of Scrooge, the only man more mean and depressed than Karl and includes a Peter Kay "garlic bread" reference which leaves Ricky in hysterics. The question is what albums are Karl getting?

10. I Never Want to Upset Anyone (0:49:08)

What's Karl's freak of the year? He watched The Elephant Man again last week. The girl with the aging disease should be given a packet of fags if she wants one. Where would Vicky Lucas come on Karl's list, and Steve makes a mean pun. Karl's news headlines include a fella who hasn't eaten for 70 years, a woman who's had 6 organs transplanted and a woman who hasn't slept for 8 years. Ricky apologises for laughing at Karl, but he can't help it.

11. You Must Know That's Rubbish (0:55:09)

Steve bigs up Ben O'Sullivan's version of Freelove Freeway and Ricky's got a topical cryptic clue. The last Monkey News of the year is about someone on a plane who wants some nuts, and Ricky wonders if it's Bob Hoskins.


Steve: Why do you talk like you're 60 years old! And you've been workin' down the mine!

Steve: "Tolkien's a genius, you know he created his own language" - Whoopee! Karl comes up with a new word every week!

Ricky: Yeah, you have got people in the Christmas mood. You're like Santa.

Ricky: His little legs?


I can't do any photos 'cause it's been nicked by a German. A.C.
If you keep eating, this part of your body will get bigger. P.C.
Where you take your dog a walk, or you might go there on a Sunday an' that, people sort of might taste that area. A.P.


  • Ricky's favourite Elvis Costello track of all time is Alison.
  • In this episode, Ricky says the Rockbusters clue for "Anita Baker" doesn't work; the first time it was told on 11 January 2003, he raised no concern over it and said all three clues that week were fine.


Jet - Roll Over DJ
Elvis Costello - Alison
Placebo - Special Needs
The Jayhawks - Save It for a Rainy Day
The Beatles - The Long and Winding Road
The Libertines - Don't Look Back into the Sun
Tim Burgess - Oh My Corazon
The Thorns - No Blue Sky
The White Stripes - Hardest Button to Button
David Bowie - Letter to Hermione
Ben O'Sullivan - Freelove Freeway
Snow Patrol - Run
Aimee Mann - No Choice in the Matter

External Links

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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
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