Tape 1 Side B

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Xfm Series 0
January 1998 - August 1998
List of episodes


  1. 31 May 1998 (Transcript)
  2. 07 June 1998 (Transcript)
  3. Tape 1 Side A (Transcript)
  4. Tape 1 Side B (Transcript)
  5. Tape 2 Side A (Transcript)
  6. Tape 2 Side B (Transcript)
  7. Tape 3 Side A (Transcript)
  8. Tape 3 Side B (Transcript)
  9. Tape 4 (Transcript)
  10. The Best of the Rest (Transcript)

Tape 1 Side B is a composite of several shows by Ricky and Steve in 1998. This is essentially a "best-of" compilation with some extra links that are not featured on the other tapes, like the Ciabatta Brothers and Return of Jezoc.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see Tape 1 Side B/Transcript.

1. What's His Handel? (00:00)

A partial link where Ricky talks about a game show called 3-2-1 he saw on telly that was ridiculously easy. Steve thinks that they should go on these shows so they can clean up. Steve asks Ricky what his favourite It Will Be Alright on the Night clip is. Steve likes the one with Mr. Chips from Catchphrase.
Part of this link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side B

2. Tenderhooks (03:35)

Ricky hates Lenny Henry. Coming up, Steve promises to tell who his famous second cousin is and Ricky has the best joke in the world. These will keep the audience on tenterhooks, or tenderhooks as Ricky calls them.
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side A

3. How Are They Gonna Phone In A Drawing? (05:10)

Another installment of Make Ricky Gervais Laugh. Steve shows him a picture, but it wasn't sent in by a listener, Steve drew it himself. Ricky cannot even attempt to explain what he drew. Steve gives a vague idea of what the prize for this competition might be and gives out the fax number. Ricky wonders why Steve gave the fax number rather than the phone number and Steve has to remind him that they cannot phone in a drawing.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side B

4. I Had Turned Into Jimmy Saville (06:28)

Ricky talks about how he was particularly annoyed the night he was at Finsbury Park because he was tired, drunk, and had lip balm in his eyes. By his own admission, he had become Jimmy Saville. Ricky says that Shakin’ Stevens wakes people from comas. Ricky asks who Steve would not like to visit him if he were in a coma. Ricky’s would be Jason Donovan and Philip Scofield. Steve wouldn’t want Andy Peters there but Larry Grayson is welcome as well as the Village People. This leads to an argument about how many Village People there were.

5. Lizoidian (09:28)

Steve sings along to a track and Ricky makes up his own words to describe what Steve looks like.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side B


Ricky thinks Steve has been proven wrong without a doubt by Little Boy Frazier. The R.E.M. version is a cover of a song by The Clique and that song was called “Superman.” Steve doesn’t care what the track is called when it’s done by The Clique, and he continues to assert that he is right. This leads to a yelling match between Ricky and Steve that ends in name calling. After they’re done arguing, Ricky fades out and plays his three tracks.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side B

7. The Ciabatta Brothers (11:46)

Steve tells an anecdote about a party he went to on Friday night in North London. He went to a 24 hour convenient store to buy fags for a girl he fancied. There were two Italian guys that were creating a scene asking about ciabattas. They tried to steal coffee from another customer in line so the shopkeeper confronted them and it looked like there was a fight brewing. Steve got scared and shied away while another customer barricaded the door until the police arrived. Steve still wanted to pay for his goods so he could return to the party, but the shopkeeper wouldn't serve him.

8. Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations (17:38)

Steve then mentions his game show idea, Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations. Ricky likes it because there’s a part in there for him. Some of the games include “To Be Perfectly Anne Frank,” and “Dig For Granny.” Other games are called “Roll Out the Barrel” and “Dig for Victory.” This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side A

9. Who's Snork? (22:19)

Ricky suggests they do “Who’s Snork?” where contestants have to find the member of The Banana Splits among several guests wearing gas masks. Steve actually tried to pitch this game show idea when he was on Blockbusters with the title, Steve’s Meat Rations. Yet he had thought of none of the games.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side A

10. Jezoc! (22:19)

Ricky used to watch crap adult programmes as a kid which influenced his schoolwork. He wrote essays about a New York cop whose name was also the name of the show, Jezoc. Ricky also wrote another story about a kid who saw his parents murdered by a gang of outlaws. To try and avenge their deaths he became the fastest gun in the west. He was only 16 and his name was Jody Barnes. Ricky figures that Jezoc and Jody Barnes would get along.
This link can also be heard on Tape 2 Side A

11. Return of Jezoc (26:00)

Ricky and Steve continue to discuss Jezoc. Ricky sees him as being Hispanic. Steve mentions that he's had two failed marriages and Ricky adds that he's got a sixteen year old son who's now on smack. He's hanging with the wrong people because Jezoc doesn't have time for him. Jezoc's first wife left him because he drinks too much and his second wife died because he hesitated. Steve suggests that he might cheat on his wife, but Ricky is adamant that he is faithful to his new bird.

12. Turned Up Pissed (30:53)

The start of a new show; Ricky has shown up drunk already and later he plans to do live bleeping for a Gravediggaz track. Ricky has had a bit of wine so he may get melancholy.
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side A

13. Tease Penguin (31:28)

They recap some of their great ideas, like Tease Penguin.
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side A

14. 1-800-Suicide (32:01)

Someone is in the room next door playing music which annoys Ricky. Steve has brought the track “1-800-Suicide” by the Gravediggaz and while the track plays, Ricky fades it down and bleeps the swear words live. Towards the end of the track he complains that it’s too stressful.
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side A

15. Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup! (37:53)

Ricky feels there must be an organization of people through NHS that would allow Steve to sleep with a volunteer. If there are people who are willing to work on leper colonies, surely someone will sleep with him out of sympathy. Steve worries that if those were their options, that volunteers for leper colonies would skyrocket. Ricky wants to know the name of a track by Ween but all he can remember is the line, “Push the little daisies and make them come up,” which he sings repeatedly in an irritating voice. Steve gets really annoyed by this and keeps telling him to shut up.
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side A

16. Tip The Balance (40:58)

Ricky and Steve go over some of their funny phone calls they've done in the past, including Do You Want Some Beer. Ricky's only remaining idea is Tip The Balance. It's a board game with scales that have one kilogram weights on one side and an empty bowl on the other. You have to fill the bowl to try and tip the balance and you can only fill the bowl with bodily secretions, in any form. After they play a track they discuss more of the details of the game including what the box cover would look like. Ricky also brings up another rule, the Fish Card, where you can pour the contents of someone else's bowl into yours, but you can only do it via your mouth. Steve wraps up the show and reads out some of the suggestions of deformed celebrities that the listeners have faxed in.
This link can also be heard on Tape 3 Side B


Ricky: Is there anyone that annoys me more than Lenny Henry… I should answer that one, shouldn’t I?

Ricky: 0171- Who annoys me more than Lenny Henry? No one, you’ve won that one, so don’t bother phoning in.
Steve: But who annoys you, the listener, more than Lenny Henry?... 017- I noticed again you didn’t bother to- to give the whole phone number…
Ricky: What did I say?
Steve: You actually just said 0171

Steve: Damn you, Jezoc! You’re off the case.

Ricky: Keep the badge, I don’t need a stinking badge to be a cop.

Steve: My God it’s Jezoc, how did he find us?

Ricky: As God as my witness I will avenge thee.


Swervedriver - 99th Dream (edit)
Catatonia - Road Rage
Skunk Anansie -
Baby Bird -
R.E.M. - Superman
Blue Oyster Cult - (Don't Fear) The Reaper
The La's -
Baby Bird - If You'll Be Mine
Gravediggaz - 1-800-Suicide
The Wannadies - You and Me Song
The Cure - Charlotte Sometimes
Jeff Buckley - Everybody Here Wants You
Lou Reed - Satellite of Love

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