Tape 2 Side A

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Xfm Series 0
January 1998 - August 1998
List of episodes


  1. 31 May 1998 (Transcript)
  2. 07 June 1998 (Transcript)
  3. Tape 1 Side A (Transcript)
  4. Tape 1 Side B (Transcript)
  5. Tape 2 Side A (Transcript)
  6. Tape 2 Side B (Transcript)
  7. Tape 3 Side A (Transcript)
  8. Tape 3 Side B (Transcript)
  9. Tape 4 (Transcript)
  10. The Best of the Rest (Transcript)

Tape 2 Side A is possibly a whole show or two, most of it appearing on the first tape, recorded by Pilkipedian Jezoc. The show was broadcast somewhere around mid to late June to the end of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's first stint on Xfm.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see Tape 2 Side A/Transcript.

1. Quickly, Just Get on the Phone Now (00:00)

Ricky and Steve have not prepared for the show. Ricky asks the listeners to call or fax in topics for them to discuss.

2. Ugly Freaks Preferred (01:02)

Steve thinks the last song was very sensitive and taps into the inner Ricky. Someone has faxed in a personal ad and Steve thinks he’s in because she said “Anyone accepted.” Yet Ricky doesn’t think it’ll happen because he wouldn’t fit in her framework. She’s also bisexual which makes Steve think he could get “three in a bed.”

3. Teen Knight Rider (03:10)

Ricky gives a time check as a filler, Steve warns him that the listeners might switch off to watch something good on telly instead. Steve saw Team Knight Rider in the week, but Ricky thought he said, Teen Knight Rider. He pictured an awkward adolescent with spots and a squeaky voice.

4. We're In The Kitchen (05:30)

Steve says you know a party is bad when you end up in the kitchen discussing old TV kids’ shows and toys. Therefore, since they are talking about these subjects they clearly have nothing to talk about. So they go back to discussing Team Knight Rider. Steve talks about the programme on after Team Knight Rider and does an impression of a robot, leading Ricky to ask him if he’s on drugs. They’re still in the kitchen. Steve remembers a TV version of the film Casablanca and speculates how they would get the line, “Play it again, Sam,” into the show each week. Ricky and Jane watched You Must be the Husband during the week.

5. Lady Of The Knight (09:51)

Someone has emailed in to try and correct Steve because the actual line in Casablanca was, “Go on play it, Sam.” Steve then gets upset and calls the listener a stupid tosser, because of course he already knew that, afterall, he did study film. Steve and Ricky have come up with their own TV shows, like Lady of the Knight where a prostitute and a knight in Victorian times work as private investigators. Ricky has come up with Nun the Wiser and the sequel, Nun in the Oven. Ricky is annoyed with shows that substitute the word “wife” for “life,” such as Wife Begins at 40 and Run for your Wife. Ricky comes up with his own, Whose Wife is it Anyway? and This Wife. Steve then mentions his game show idea, Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations. Ricky likes it because there’s a part in there for him. Some of the games include “To Be Perfectly Anne Frank,” and “Dig For Granny.”

6. Who’s Snork? (14:46)

Ricky and Steve continue their discussion of the game show, Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations. Other games are called “Roll Out the Barrel” and “Dig for Victory.” Ricky suggests they do “Who’s Snork?” where contestants have to find the member of The Banana Splits among several guests wearing gas masks. Steve actually tried to pitch this game show idea when he was on Blockbusters with the title, Steve’s Meat Rations. Yet he had thought of none of the games.

7. Yez Zat iz Correct! (19:08)

During the track they thought of another game for Ricky Gervais' Meat Rations, “Puss in Jackboots,” where the contestant has to guess the beauty of the age disguised as a Nazi. Steve also thought of “Get the Hell Out of Hiroshima.”

8. One Mump (20:42)

It’s time for the competition Make Ricky Gervais Laugh. A listener has faxed in a picture to try and make Ricky laugh to win a prize. Sadly, there is nothing in this game for those who cannot see the picture or care. The picture, which they refuse to explain, reminds Ricky of a time when he was 16 and his nephew got mumps. His family was worried because they could make him sterile. Ricky asked his mum if he’d had them and she said he had one mump. Ricky wonders if this is possible. Ricky and Steve then debate who said “Go to work on an egg.”

9. Jezoc! (25:42)

The listeners have called in to try and clarify who said “Go to work on an egg,” and to say that mumps very rarely lead to infertility. Ricky used to watch crap adult programmes as a kid which influenced his schoolwork. He wrote essays about a New York cop whose name was also the name of the show, Jezoc. Ricky also wrote another story about a kid who saw his parents murdered by a gang of outlaws. To try and avenge their deaths he became the fastest gun in the west. He was only 16 and his name was Jody Barnes. Ricky figures that Jezoc and Jody Barnes would get along.

10. Shut Your Ugly Gob (30:35)

A short link where Steve tells Ricky he’s embarrassed himself and Ricky hurls a string of insults back at him.

11. That’s What Cats Do (30:55)

Ricky and Steve gave away some CD’s last week from the library and they have got to get them back. Ricky asks the listeners if they can please send them back since they belong to the station. Steve says the station also wants the computer back but Ricky believes that if he urinates on something it belongs to him, like in the cat world. Ricky has got 2 telephone boxes, a cashpoint machine, the side of a church, and one BMW by this method.

12. They’re My Shoes, Gervais (33:12)

Steve argues with Ricky because he tried to procure Steve’s shoes by the rules of the cat world. Most of Ricky’s friends and his girlfriend are fine with these rules.

13. How Do These Little Theories Of Yours Develop? (33:43)

Steve asks Ricky where his theories come from, and suggests his girlfriend can't smell the urine due to cocaine use. Ricky says the record they just played was about Steve being ugly.

14. Carter USM Lyrics (35:20)

When Steve was in sixth form, everyone had a Carter USM t-shirt. Steve didn’t have one and so no one liked him. Ricky assumes that people disliked him for other reasons. Steve reads some of their lyrics and song titles to point out how ridiculous they are. Ricky and Steve ask the listeners to phone or fax in the worst lyrics and song titles they have heard.

15. Your Eggs are Over Easy (39:33)

Ricky sings some lyrics to a bad song but he can’t think of the name. Steve is still looking for some bad Carter lyrics and Emma has mentioned “YMCA” lyrics. Steve thinks the Village People did the YMCA a favour through some free advertising. Ricky tries to explain to him the connotations of the song and why the YMCA was upset.

16. I Would Not Have Andy Peters (42:33)

Steve truly doesn’t understand what is wrong with “YMCA” and “In the Navy,” and Ricky tells him about the gay connotations. Steve thinks they should have had cliché gay people rather than the ones in The Village People

17. Are You Suggesting I Should Plan This Show? (44:19)

Steve has more bad Carter lyrics. Ian Camfield has called to tell Ricky that Karen White sang the song he was thinking of and to give another bad lyric from “YMCA.” Steve has heard Ricky’s songs and feels he cannot disrespect anyone for their music. They need to give away a pair of tickets for Pulp but they do not have a competition. Steve thought of having the listeners suggest the worst song lyrics to find a winner. Yet he instantly forgot what he suggested and neither Ricky nor Emma was listening to him.


Steve: Damn you, Jezoc! You’re off the case.

Ricky: Keep the badge, I don’t need a stinking badge to be a cop.

Steve: My God it’s Jezoc, how did he find us?

Ricky: As God as my witness I will avenge thee.

Steve: You’re not a cat!


  • Ricky mentions that he doesn’t like when the word “wife” is substituted for “life” on television shows. Ironically the title of the episode of The Simpsons that he wrote was called Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife which is a reference to the television show, This Is Your Life.


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