Tape 3 Side A

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Xfm Series 0
January 1998 - August 1998
List of episodes


  1. 31 May 1998 (Transcript)
  2. 07 June 1998 (Transcript)
  3. Tape 1 Side A (Transcript)
  4. Tape 1 Side B (Transcript)
  5. Tape 2 Side A (Transcript)
  6. Tape 2 Side B (Transcript)
  7. Tape 3 Side A (Transcript)
  8. Tape 3 Side B (Transcript)
  9. Tape 4 (Transcript)
  10. The Best of the Rest (Transcript)

Tape 3 Side A takes off right where Tape 2 Side B left off. It is also either a whole show or two combined together. The show was broadcast somewhere around mid to late June to the end of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's first stint on Xfm.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see Tape 3 Side A/Transcript.

1. Of Course She’s Not Dead! (00:00)

Ricky and Steve start off by playing a message from Ricky’s mum filled with swears. Under the impression that you cannot libel the dead, they make inflammatory comments about the spiritualist Doris Stokes. Steve then mentions Dusty Springfield which angers Ricky because she isn’t dead and thus they could be libeling her. They also realise that it was not wise to libel Doris Stokes, of all people. Next they play a fake advert for Muff Shandy’s “Earplugs Are Gay.”

2. You Twat (01:57)

Steve started swearing when he spoke to his parents in the week. His mother told him he would be losing some money and he said “Effing hell.” She responded with, “Pardon me?” Steve realized that she was not aware that he knew those words. He then recalls a childhood story about him and his dad using the word “twat” all the time when they didn’t know what it meant. After Steve learned what it meant he stopped using it, but he didn’t have the heart to tell his father. So to this day his father still calls his wife a twat, and, unfortunately for her, she knows what it means.

3. Make Ricky Gervais Laugh (04:22)

The producer, Emma, has brought in a couple bottles of beer. Steve is certain that Ricky will laugh when he sees the image on the bottle. Since Steve is so sure of this, it inspires a new competition where listeners fax in pictures that they think will make Ricky laugh; thus the beginning of the feature, Make Ricky Gervais Laugh. Ricky doesn’t think it will make for good radio since the listeners cannot see the image.

4. Banks Statement (05:55)

Steve is very proud of his new feature, Make Ricky Gervais Laugh. Ricky thinks he is desensitized because he sees Steve all the time, so he thinks the pictures will have to be really odd. Ricky loves when artists get creative with their album titles, like Tony Banks. Ricky tries to talk about a religious programme on BBC2 he saw in the week with Toyah Willcox but he can’t remember the name of the bloke in it, so he refuses to continue with the story until someone phones in to tell him.

5. Unconscious Thought (08:58)

A listener phoned in to tell Ricky that the bloke was John Stapleton. Ricky gets sidetracked talking about how he doesn’t think it would have been impressive for anyone to say they went to university with him. Steve asks Ricky if he went to university with anyone famous, apparently he went to school with Michael Jackson. He was in Reading for an exchange program. Ricky gets back to the programme, he saw Toyah talking to Stapleton about a very spiritual wedding where they had silence instead of hymns. Ricky thought it was pretentious twaddle. As much as he hated that, he hates Lenny Henry more. Coming up, Steve promises to tell who his famous second cousin is and Ricky has the best joke in the world. These will keep the audience on tenterhooks, or tenderhooks as Ricky calls them.

6. Penguin Went Into a Pub… (13:28)

Ricky is about to tell a joke; his one rule about jokes told on air is they have to involve going into a pub. Emma has done some research and found out what tenterhooks are and they have results about who is more annoying than Lenny Henry. They don’t have time to reveal Steve’s celebrity relation because Ricky has got to get to the pub.

7. Showed Up Pissed (16:12)

The start of a new show; Ricky has shown up drunk already and later he plans to do live bleeping for a Gravediggaz track. Ricky has had a bit of wine so he may get melancholy. Ricky reads out some faxes that listeners have sent in to Steve to tell him what a freak he is.

8. 1-800-Suicide (18:13)

Someone is in the room next door playing music which annoys Ricky. Steve has brought the track “1-800-Suicide” by the Gravediggaz and while the track plays, Ricky fades it down and bleeps the swear words live. Towards the end of the track he complains that it’s too stressful. Steve tries to sound cool by announcing that he was up until 6 in the morning the previous night, but Ricky quickly reminds him of what a loser he is.

9. Pushthelittledaisiesandmakethemcomeup! (26:36)

Ricky feels there must be an organization of people through NHS that would allow Steve to sleep with a volunteer. If there are people who are willing to work on leper colonies, surely someone will sleep with him out of sympathy. Steve worries that if those were their options, that volunteers for leper colonies will skyrocket. Ricky wants to know the name of a track by Ween but all he can remember is the line, “Push the little daisies and make them come up,” which he sings repeatedly in an annoying voice. Steve gets really annoyed by this and keeps telling him to shut up.

10. Not That Ugly (31:19)

After the Ween track, Ricky thinks they should play it again. Steve isn’t sure about that but he thinks the song is less annoying than Ricky. Emma tries to cheer Steve up by telling him that when she met him she didn’t think he was that ugly. This doesn’t help. The listeners assume that Steve has a skin problem even though Ricky has never mentioned that.

11. Steve Or Lepers (33:17)

A partial link where Steve and Ricky discuss a type of telethon designed to help Steve sleep with a lady. Listeners have faxed in to request more information about Jezoc and Steve has prepared some sponsorship forms to try and get volunteers to sleep with him.

12. He Kills Innocent People (34:52)

Ricky has a new storyline for Jezoc. A villain has murdered a child or a woman’s husband and Jezoc promises vengeance for her. But there’s a problem at the trial and the villain goes free. So Jezoc goes after him on his own and shoots him. Turns out he didn’t actually do it though. Jezoc’s philosophy is to shoot first and ask questions later. He then gets off with a woman and has another kid. Steve points out that Jezoc has just killed an innocent man and he is disappointed in him. Steve has his own plot: Jezoc retires and they’re done with the whole thing. Steve has his own idea for a show that they can talk about instead. While drunk, Ricky challenged Ian Camfield to a fight, but Camfield turned him down.

13. Camfield, Come and Get It (38:33)

Ricky puts out the challenge to Camfield again, over the air. Steve wants to recreate the east coast/west coast hip hop rivalry in DJ-ing. Steve received a picture for the competition Make Ricky Gervais Laugh which earned Martin a prize.

14. It’s The Future (41:38)

Steve asks the listeners to fax in to tell them all the good ideas they had over the years. They recap some of their great ideas, like Penis Puppet Theater, Ricky Gervais’ Meat Rations, and Tease Penguin. Steve’s new idea is called It’s the Future; where criminals have to appear in night court.

15. It’s Fiction (46:28)

A partial link where Steve has to explain to Ricky that the things he sees on telly aren’t real. Steve has also had to tell Ricky that he can’t live his life by the rules of the cat world.


Steve: ‘Elaine, watch where you’re going, you twat, you great big twat!’

Ricky: Is there anyone that annoys me more than Lenny Henry… I should answer that one, shouldn’t I?

Ricky: 0171- Who annoys me more than Lenny Henry? No one, you’ve won that one, so don’t bother phoning in.
Steve: But who annoys you, the listener, more than Lenny Henry?... 017- I noticed again you didn’t bother to- to give the whole phone number…
Ricky: What did I say?
Steve: You actually just said 0171

Ricky: And Steve (a listener) is the president of the Geeks, Nerds, and Losers Society, the GNL, uh, Lee’s the vice president.
Steve: I got thrown out of that.

Ricky: Better, you know, kill innocent people than let one, you know, guilty person go free.

Ricky: So he wastes tax payers' money investigating people that might be innocent, Jezoc just kills them.


Blur - Tracy Jacks
New Order -
Swervedriver - 99th Dream (edit)
Rocket From The Crypt - On a Rope
Babybird - If You’ll Be Mine
Gravediggaz - 1-800 Suicide
The Charlatans - Then
Wannadies - You And Me Song
Ween - Push th’ Little Daisies
Belle and Sebastian - The Boy With The Arab Strap
LL Cool J - Mama Said Knock You Out
The Jam - All Around the World
Embrace - My Weakness Is None Of Your Business

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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
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Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...