01 November 2003

Xfm Series 3 November 2003 - January 2004 List of episodes

Episodes: 01 November 2003 08 November 2003 (Transcript) 15 November 2003 (Transcript) 22 November 2003 (Transcript) 29 November 2003 (Transcript) 06 December 2003 (Transcript) 13 December 2003 20 December 2003 27 December 2003 ('Best of') 03 January 2004 (Transcript) 10 January 2004 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are back for a run of 12 shows, you lucky people you. Here's the first:

Track Listing

1. Same Old "Hell"

The show begins with dead air. Steve says it's a shambles already and wants to "shoot off". Ricky lambasts Karl for his threat made at the end of season 2, that he wouldn't come back. Gervais says that it was all a ruse to get Mondays off work, the same day that Suzanne has off. The fat funnyman says that nobody listens to XFM anyway, describing it as a "sinking ship". Graham. who Karl has conned, has lost all respect he once commanded, Ricky says. The Brent-esque figure says he hates people who don't work and demands that Karl prove his worth by telling the nation what has happened in the last few months. Pilkington says that he has Rockbusters, updated, but if the show isn't broke then don't fix it. Gervais says that it was never good, and he only does it for a laugh and to annoy Karl, which clearly works ("it's hell in there" Karl said to his agent about the show). Gervais hit Karl's round head with a bin, a tray and toilet paper, all in one day. Karl says that nothing has changed at XFM, but the woman who he saw naked across the street has "bought some blinds".

2. Lemmy Loving

"She looks a bit like Lemmy!"

Steve says that the bloke from Nickelback looks like he's 40 years old, while Ricky says he looks like a child with lion facepaint on. Meanwhile, Merchant tells of the large email response about Ricky's laugh, he personally doesn't like it. Karl doesn't mind but he hates his head being "squoze". Gervais thought it was strange that Karl didn't like it, "as if it's like marmite," Karl is incredulous, "like some people like it and some hate it." Ricky laughs, which Steve is irritated by. Ricky says that sometimes he just need to get air out, and that he's fat because the weight is laughter waiting to get out. Steve brings back "Make Ricky Laugh", which Ant and Dec also do. The lanky one shows Gervais a picture from a news story entitled "Mother,48, seduces Boy, 14". The picture of the Mother in question, makes Ricky laugh silently. "She looks a bit like Lemmy!" Steve crows before comparing her to the oldest man in the world, which prompts a retelling of Karl's theory that Oriental people don't age well, and that the oldest man in the world, 120, is actually about 37. Pilky says that he has never seen a 30 year old Chinaman, it's "either 20 or 50" he claims, and says that the world's oldest man is just "trying it on".

3. Chip Strike

Gervais reminds London of his and Steve's triumph, they are "GQ Presenters of the Year" then again criticises Karl for not working, which reminds Steve of the postal strike that took place at the time. The lankmeister is furious, and hopes that the striking doesn't spread to the people in charge of the potatoes (Karl recaps his childhood trips to "Hugh Phaze" to get potatoes and bread), but wouldn't care if Covent Garden sketch artists went on strike, or toilet attendants in night clubs, which is topical due to "the Cheryl Tweedy Case".

4. Toilet Troubles

"Karl the usah Pilkingtaahhhnn," Gervais blasts, straight out of the record, "just takes, takes, takes. Ovah to you Sddeeeeeeeve." That is one of the funniest moments in any XFM shows. Steve sympathises with Cheryl Tweedy over the Girls Aloud beauty's abuse of a toilet attendant. Merchant claims that the attendants do a hard job but doesn't want them to be humanized, possibly a hand like Thing from the Addams Family. The goggle eyed freak hates it.

5. Slade-head

Karl has to do a questionnaire on the concept of happiness; "Oh yeah," he snidely snaps. The Mardy Manc is on an 8 out of 10, happiness wise, but was Dave Hill. "Dump her," Steve says. Karl is now on a 6 due to headsqueezing, and a 4 for the day. For someone who wasn't happy, Karl doesn't know what he'd give, but would definitely give Suzanne some hair gel. Leaning something cheers Karl up, especially if it is weird. Pilkington then says that he doesn't know what object he would be given to cheer him up, but it wouldn't be world peace, as "someone else would wish for that". Gervais presses on for an answer but Karl doesn't know, he's happy anyway.

6. Gay Meetings

Steve advertises Billy Bragg. Gervais tells Karl that the point of life is to be on a 10 on the happinees scale but Pilkington is "happy when I'm not fed up." Karl realises when he's annoyed more than when he's happy. Gervais blast him for moaning then says that friends are the point of life to him, but they annoy Karl. Ricky criticises Karl for not liking Suzanne's hair. Pilkington says he was happy when he was on a train, reading about sharks but then two "gay fellas" got on. Another of Karl's theories was proven correct as he heard the two homosexuals arrange to meet a bloke at 1am. The bloke in question was described as having a shaved head, which Karl doesn't think is a good description in the gay community, as "they've all got little shaved heads." Karl praises the shark articel, and says that he'll teach Rikcy and Steve about it soon.

7. Piss Arm-y Strife

"Conning the management baby, sending the station spiralling down into the depth because of his greeeeed..." Ricky says of Karl, in the same weird voice as earlier. Steve is upset to learn that Shed Seven have split up. Karl has read about some "Knob News", where a Russian man was urinating and electrocuted his penis "somehow". His doctor amputates the man's appendage, but put a new penis on the man's arm. "You twat," Ricky questions the validity of the story (he's wrong, it did happen). Karl would prefer it on the back but Ricky says that it'd be good for hitchiking, and that if he lost his penis then he'd be a woman.

8. Sounds? Shit

Time for the revamped Rockbusters, with sound effects. He plays his example of "Smack My Bitch Up" by the Prodigy, featuring the sounds of a dog getting beaten up. This time however, the answer will be a film. The sounds of a happy man eating a woman fills the airwaves. Gervais says that it's a rubbish clue, Steve agrees but says that the prizes aren't good anyway, two VHS's and some arbitrary CD's. The competition has brought the show down, Steve says.

9. Eskimo-bile phones and fags please

Karl was made to answer lots of phone calls in the break, which irritated him, as did Ricky. Steve says that Ricky shoukd focus on more injustice than Karl at XFM but Ricky disagrees. Karl is now on a 3, happiness wise. Steve briefly mentions the war, which sends Ricky off on a rant about how bombs go off, like tinned food. Ricky and Steve say that they'd bomb Switzerland as "they've had it easy for years," Karl would bomb Ricky's house, Steve would bomb Iceland too, or pour a big flask of hot water on them. Steve wonders why anyone would bother being an eskimo, Ricky says that they should be given "beer and fags". Steve invites emails with regards to the bombing question. Ricky again has a go at Karl, yawn. "What's going on with yourself?" Karl is tired of it.

10. Tall Tales

Karl has climbed back up to a 5 now, as he has calmed down a bit. Steve hopes that he can steal ideas off Adam and Joe. The Joe of the duo, claimed to Ricky that the height of 6 foot 7 Merchant was liek a disability. Lankyman agrees as there are certain things he can't do due to his height; go in small cars, get shoes and chairs, go through small doors, aeroplane seats etc. There's no benefits either, says Steve. Ricky says that Steve has no problems with planes, but gets annoyed himself when obese people are allowed to bring on the same luggage as him. Steve says that that is their choice, but he didn't choose to be tall, and then says that he would have liked to have lived near a pylon as a depressed child, presumably he was 6 foot plus then. Karl says that Mr and Mrs Merchant should have bandaged him up. Steve says that he was 6 foot 5 at the age of 15, which made him a target in P.E lessons, especially as he wore a bow tie to impress the girls at the time. Ricky says that height isn't a disability, and compares Steve's weird stares that he attracts to the ones he gets from being on TV. Steve says that, again, that was Ricky's choice, to be on the telly. Karl says that the stares are different anyway; Ricky's are more "ooh it's him," whereas Steve's are "Jesus..." which prompts Steve to say that he will stop being a mediator in the Gervais - Pilkington war.

11. Old Monkey Home

Ricky blasts Karl again, how tiresome. Karl says that Ricky shouldn't wind him up, or else he won't get the best out of him. Karl doesn't have much Monkey News, except for a chimp that escaped from an old people's home, the owners of which didn't realise that it was simian until they realises that their banana stock was down. The answer to the competition was "Gladiator" (glad he ate her). Gervais hates it, and says that it isn't worth Karl's fee for the show, especially when Steve says that it was first heard on Christian O'Connell's show. Steve says goodbye as the sounds of Ricky shouting "pathetic" at Karl can be heard in the background.

Playlist

Someday - Nickelback

Hey Ya - Outkast

What's The Frequency Kenneth - REM

Born Again - Starsailor

Unknown - Billy Bragg

Fortune Faded - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Since You Bin Gone - Rainbow

Big Sur - The Thrills

P.I.M.P - 50 Cent

Different For Girls - Joe Jackson

Extras

Transcript Here When It's Done

Download

http://www.sendspace.com/file/9os0kr

http://rapidshare.de/files/31179292/s03e01.mp3

http://www.f-forge.com?d=vSRZw7dyG8Ba0qmKDFUi

External Links

• Sun Article about Lana Allen
• More info on this episode from Xfm.co.uk