10 January 2004

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

1. I Don't Want an Office Literally Next to a Brothel (0:00:00)

Only two more weeks before the boys are away for awhile. Ricky and Steve are going to America for the Golden Globes and to watch The US Office being filmed, then Ricky is on tour for a bit. Ricky likes doing the show but doesn't think the listeners cares. Steve can't wait to have his Saturdays back. Ricky's been looking for an office this week, walking around the square 500 yards in which he'd like one. He wants no porn shops, crack dens or wild animals in the porch, and needs to be able to get a desk in the lift.

2. Can I Get a Free Carry Case (0:03:59)

Joe Jackson is sexist. Steve is thinking of buying a flat but is worried because he's gullible. Once he went to buy a laptop on Tottenham Court Road but couldn't haggle with the salesman. Steve thinks he needs to be able to inspect the future home himself. Karl lost £7000 on the flat he owned in Manchester, having thought he'd have lived there forever. By law, they now have to tell you if the house you're buying is haunted.

3. The Caliber of Some of the Emails (0:08:55)

Glicko wants to know if Ricky was walking around Marylebone High Street last Sunday. Is Ricky better than Richard Bacon? A guy from Canada wants to know if Ricky can come by in March for his wife's surprise birthday dinner and Ricky is gutted that Steve deleted it. Someone wrote in that he won the film competition several weeks earlier and hadn't gotten his prizes yet. The webcam is pointing at the ceiling so the boys move it.

4. All Those Feathers, and He Still Couldn't Fly (0:13:00)

Karl's confused by "the little man inside your head" and schoolboy Carry On innuendo. Steve compares Karl to Cletus from The Simpsons. Steve's watched a James Bond movie and has some thoughts, especially about his infuriating jokes.

5. The Cat is Bigger Than the House (0:17:15)

Ricky doesn't think they get enough credit for picking their own music. Their first passion is music. Should they do a music show in the future? Lots of people ask Steve when they're gonna get rid of Rockbusters but Karl knows people who love it. Steve and Ricky compare Rockbusters to the rubbish picture your kid drew that you had to put on the fridge. The second clue throws Ricky and Steve into hysterics and even Karl has a little chuckle.

6. I'll Be Going Back There (0:22:02)

Maybe they should pre-record their future music show. Ricky won't lay down for that one. Karl was singing along to Oliver's Army earlier. Steve and his flatmate went to a seedy pool hall near their house recently. The flatmate was nervous but Steve felt inscrutably protective. Ricky detours the story with questions about Steve's glasses-wearing. Steve did judo when he was young but the sports strap pushed the glasses into his eyes and thinks the kids were being taught just to knock his glasses off. Steve resumes his story, sets the scene of this hard place and tells about a family of holidaymakers who enter. The uncle carelessly put the baby down which made the baby hit its head on the chair. Steve doesn't want to name the place in case he gets knifed.

7. It's a Boy and Hasn't Got a Nob (0:29:06)

Karl has promised Ricky the revival of Educating Ricky but it has to be correct. This week's headlines are "Well, That Nelly Died", "Well, Nob-body Has Been That Lucky Before", and "Get a Lobe of This Court Case". Ricky chooses the middle one and Karl tells the story. Ricky and Steve are incredulous.

8. If It's All About Arse, Why Don't Gays Like a Little Bit of Tit? (0:33:36)

Ricky could listen to The Bends every day. Karl watched The Office Christmas Specials in the week and asked Ricky about the caveman/cleavage fact that Brent told his blind date. Karl queries this in regard to gay men which sends Ricky howling. Steve's uncertain about the caveman thing and has his own theory about why men like cleavage.

9. Who Gave the Dinosaurs Their Names Then? (0:38:10)

More cleavage/arse chat. Karl's got a caveman fact himself about hairs standing up in times of fear (like when near dinosaurs). Karl's thinking of The Flintstones. Rockbusters answers and Ricky is livid and stunned. Karl's defence is "We've had worse than that!" Karl had a crash once on a free rally day and did his wrist in.

10. Stop Making Elephant's Teeth! (0:43:11)

A number of emails have confirmed the first Educating Ricky story. Another bit is about an elephant with false teeth. Karl can't understand why Africa would sort out an elephant with teeth when it has enough problems to deal with. Karl asks Steve about who he knows that has wooden teeth, which refers to Steve's grandparents. Ricky's got some horrible info on teeth in the olden days.

11. He Was 'Ung and That (0:48:14)

Final Educating Ricky about a judge who misheard the jury. Ricky and Steve interrupt and begin talking about music and ignoring Karl then make fun of how he pronounces "hung". Karl tried to prove the validity of the word "squoze" on a menu. Karl resumes his lesson and Ricky and Steve resume their secondary conversation. Steve tells Karl to shut up.

12. Chimp Fancies Her? (0:51:25)

No Time for Karl In A Film so it's on to Monkey News. Monkey Number 6 or 7 learns the door code, puts on lipstick and impersonates lab assistant "Kirsty Morris".

13. Going Out on a Bang (0:54:23)

Ricky refuses to accept the Monkey News. Steve would love to end with adverts.


Ricky: I've told you before Steve, stay away from working class people and bad men in trainers. 'Cause, you hang around with ne'er-do-wells, and you're gonna get your glasses knocked off.

Karl: If it's all about arse, why don't gays like a little bit of tit?


Don't be stealing my tools; take your sister's. N.K.
Buy it if you want, I'm not bothered. Think about it. (The clue changed every time Karl said it) S.C.
That's good, I can play ten pin bowling again. O.



Snow Patrol - Run
Joe Jackson - It's Different for Girls
David Gray - This Year's Love
The Cure - A Man Inside My Mouth
Kings of Leon - California Waiting
The Thorns - No Blue Sky
Jet - Roll Over DJ
Radiohead - Bones
The Coral - Bill McCai
The Jayhawks - Bad Time
Placebo - English Summer Rain
The Smiths - The Hand That Rocks the Cradle
Tim Burgess - Oh My Corazon
Cream - I Feel Free

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...