27 December 2003

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

1. Cranial Spherity (0:01:09)

Ricky Gervais invents a medical condition called cranial spherity, which is a perfectly round head that presses on the victim's "lobes". The result of this is that the sufferer is normal in every way, but believes anything and everything. Come to think of it, this is probably not dissimilar to what Karl Pilkington suffers from. Stephen Merchant explains how he feels about the current war, and how he feels it was "better presented" than the Gulf War. Ricky says this is because the Americans "had rights to it, like the Tyson fight". The World Elephant Polo Championships have taken place. Their training ground was Kent. Karl's confused as to why the elephants would kick the ball, and suggests letting the elephants just have a kick about.
Originally Broadcast: 07 December 2003

2. Imagine How Much Post... (0:04:50)

Karl discusses a man who was in a coma for twenty years, during which he was taken to Alton Towers. Steve tells a similar story, but his one wasn't taken to Alton Towers. He was asked how he felt and he said "horny".
Originally Broadcast: 26 July 2003

3. Ohh, I'm a Bum GP? (0:09:11)

Ricky asks Karl what his best ever job was, to which he simply replies "paper round". Ricky mentions proctology, which disgusts Karl, who confusedly asks why they have to do that. Steve ponders on what kind of trainee doctor chooses to make proctology their special field. He goes on to talk about the snack woman on Finchley Road with bananas up to her chin and chocolates coming out of her eyes. Karl mentions "Iva" The Terrible, Ivan's Irish cousin.
Originally Broadcast: 22 November 2003

4. I'm Not Made of Money (0:15:46)

Steve admits his new television is too big (42 inches). He wonders whether he should have tipped the delivery man. Karl discusses how he doesn't think disabled tennis should be put on the television, as there wasn't a proper rally going on. He suggests letting them play swingball (also known as tetherball) instead.
Originally Broadcast: 19 July 2003

5. Karl In a Film Thing (0:21:03)

Karl's favourite two films are The Elephant Man and Kes. Today he's put himself into Kes. He leaves the microphones on so we can hear Ricky's laugh in the background. At the end, Ricky commends Karl, saying it was the best thing he'd ever done.
Originally Broadcast: 08 November 2003

6. Well, Get Me in the Book! (0:24:46)

Karl has found some excellent headlines on the internet:

  • Bong: "Vibrating Shoes Could Stop Elderly Falling"
  • Bong: "Family Sick of Living On Butthole Road"
  • Bong: "Man Wears Same Shoes For 60 Years"
  • Bong: "Man Pulls Train With Teeth"
  • Bong: "Man Fails To Break Clothespegs On Face Record"

They go on to discuss pointless records like running backwards and running with a milk bottle on your head. Ricky says that Karl is one of the most stupid people he's ever met, to which Karl has a clever retort. Steve reveals the name of the road he lived on while growing up.
Originally Broadcast: 08 November 2003

7. That's Not the Sort of Tip I Wanted (0:31:55)

Ricky and Steve tell Karl how it was looked highly upon if a man had sex with another man in ancient Rome. Karl's disgusted and swears blindly he wouldn't have done it. Ricky disagrees, and says that Karl would've been nibbling, noshing, chewing, slurping, smacking, poking and gnawing.
Originally Broadcast: 16 August 2003

8. Ooh, Educating Ricky! He's Getting Smarter (0:34:52)

Karl discusses Galileo, but ends up being educated himself. He then goes on to say that a man in the week said that women shouldn't wear trousers. Karl discusses a large woman on his old estate who wore leggings. She used to work on a sex line (Steve asks if she was an engineer). The weird thing about this woman was she had "big eyelids", which was a popular thing going around when Karl was a little lad. Ricky wonders how big they have to be to be classed as "big", like being able to carry heavy electronic goods in them.
Originally Broadcast: 02 August 2003

9. Why've They Gotta Start So Early? (0:41:57)

Karl's annoyed at builders. He had a fella come in to do his kitchen this morning, and the first thing he asked was if the pub across the road was any good. He also doesn't know why they start working so early in the morning.
Originally Broadcast: 19 July 2003

11. I Don't Know How Long I Was Looking (0:45:11)

Ricky and Steve have just discovered that The Daily Telegraph are listening, so they try to make the show more highbrow, but fail miserably. Steve discusses a Japanese police officer who had been arrested for photographing up a woman's skirt. This reminds Karl of time he was caught staring at a naked woman and lowered his trousers so she could have an equal look at him.
Originally Broadcast: 16 August 2003


Steve: I'll tell you this, David Dickinson's tan? Almost took me eyeballs out!

Karl: Give 'em a game of swingball, or somethin'.

Ricky: "There's a naked woman across the road, what do you THINK I'm doing, Suzanne?! I'm exposing myself while looking at some FREE FANNY! WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, SUZANNE?!"


The audio between segments is
Ricky: The greatest moments of the last 3 weeks...
Steve: (laughs) yeah
Ricky: ever heard on XFM 104.9
accelerated 71% then reversed


Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
Blur - Out of Time
Placebo - Bitter End
The Smiths - I Don't Owe You Anything
XTC - Making Plans for Nigel
Radiohead - There There (The Boney King of Nowhere)
The Darkness - You're Really Growing On Me
50 Cent - In Da Club
Prince - If I Was Your Girlfriend
The Beatles - Hey Bulldog
David Bowie - Waterloo Sunset
The Coral - Bill McCai
The Specials - A Message to You Rudy
Jane's Addiction - Just Because
The Thrills - Don't Steal Our Sun

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...