15 November 2003

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Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant present show three.

Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 15 November 2003/Transcript.

1. Arbitrary Lists (0:00:00)

"Bobbedy-boo, it's Karly Pilkboids", Gervais introduces the K-Man, and he and Steve proceed to critique his excitement level. Karl's in a bad mood as Suzanne has now heard of her lover's mentioning her fat arse. Karl sorted it out until Thursday, when he put his foot in it again. In their discussion about parallel universes, Karl snapped that if they exist then the parallel Suzanne would definitely not have a Dave Hill haircut. Ricky says that Karl hasn't learnt his lesson as he is still talking about it on air. Ricky asks Karl if he'd tip a box upside down to get an orange out. "What do ya mean?" replies confused Karl, but says that he will not talk about Suzanne this week, but does have all of his regular features: Monkey News, Rockbusters, and the Film Thing. This week the movie is "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", which Karl says is definitively better than "The Godfather", Ricky's favourite film. On the subject of lists, Steve has a recent Top Pop Culture Icons list, which is topped by David Beckham, and features The Office at number 66, which annoys Steve as his and Ricky's creation is higher in the list than Superman, Neil Armstrong ("Do they mean the people behind the rocket or just him?" asks Karl) and Tom Cruise. Ricky says that the lists are stupid anyway, as he was the Most Powerful Man in Comedy last year.

2. Wicky Loves Wossy (0:06:33)

Ricky introduces Karly Pilkoids, then laments the radio tradition of shout-outs. Steve says Monkey News is drivel and Ricky agrees, comparing it to a Jonathan Ross monkey story. Karl insists that it is still coming up later. Steve then scathingly asks how Jonathan Ross is, and attacks Ricky's interview with Wossy, saying that it was just "two pals having a laugh" and that any minute Jonathan's children would come out and ask "Uncle Ricky" to do the dance off The Office. How does Ricky keep getting clothing with St George's Cross on it? Steve says that the friendship between Ricky and Jonathan is "too close", and that they are too old to make new friends with men. Steve compares them to "Des O'Conner and Jethro". "And then to top it all off, HE GAVE YOU A PET!" he exclaims. Steve admits that he is jealous, as he didn't get an invite to Ricky's birthday party, which prompts a proper joke from Karl. Steve asks if Ricky called the cat "Jonathan", but Ricky called it "Ollie" instead.

3. Three More Craptic Clues (0:12:19)

Time for Rockbusters. Steve says that the questions are like jazz or free-form, and change every time they're said.

4. Merchant Underground (0:16:33)

Steve says that he was on the London Underground recently, which he takes to avoid the Congestion Charge. He says that he is always stood next to a poster of him and Ricky, which he finds embarrassing. Ricky agrees, and tells of an incident in HMV when he was caught looking at himself in a book. The same thing happened to Steve, and then was forced to sign autographs. Meanwhile, he runs around Tube stations to avoid the posters advertising Xfm. While on the Tube this morning, he heard an underwhelming anecdote, where a woman held a phone up in a pub so her friend could hear the noise. Steve quips that no one should be friends with her, as she doesn't have anecdotes. Ricky says that he was with Danny Baker yesterday and tells an anecdote about him. Steve hates showbiz friendships.

5. Gay Issues Number 10225367... (0:21:14)

It's "Karl Pilkingbod" this time, according to Ricky. The Manc has something to say on the subject of homosexuality, or "little gay fellas" as he calls them. Apparently on a Saturday night, the last carriage on the Northern Line is exclusively a gay meeting place. Steve says that it's good information, and that gay people should put out signs to warn straight men of their presence. Steve says that stumbling across gay meeting places is a problem for him. He came across two gay men having sex in a toilet while a student in Bristol. One had red underpants round his ankles. Astounded, Steve exclaimed "Fuck Me!" then quickly took it back, and ran out. Later, the lanky one learnt that it was a famous gay place, but was annoyed that he hadn't heard of it. Ricky says that the gay community couldn't advertise their cottages as it isn't legal to cottage, and that cottagers are usually closet gays or curious men. Karl then says while walking through Soho, he was handed a card for a gay event, featuring a nude man and the slogan "The Best Bum in W1". Ricky asks if "bum" there was a noun or a verb. Steve then rounds up the topic of homosexuality by saying that he has to avoid them so he doesn't join in. This amuses Ricky, who wonders why Steve has to do that, as if he had no choice whether to join in. Steve tells of a gay meeting place near his house where two men meet at 2am, nothing is said, then they have sex. "Why can't that be the case with women?" Steve is jealous.

6. The Pilkington Family (0:31:14)

Steve was talking to his dad last week, who said that he was going to buy a digital radio for Steve's grandparents to listen to the show. "Imagine them listening to that last link and then talking to me about it at Christmas!" Ricky imitates Steve's grandparents telling him that he shouldn't have joined in with the gay couple. Karl says the Merchants will love Rockbusters. Ricky and Steve blast clue 2, but Karl defends it as "cryptic". Steve says that every Rockbusters email is regarded as "Suspected Spam" by his inbox. Pilky was in Heat magazine this week,which annoys him as his parents and relatives might now tune in to Flipside TV which he doesn't want, citing the Little Donkey incident as a reason. He can't remember his age when he played the drums for Little Donkey, but the range was 6-13. He says that everyone was the same age at his school, and that there were people in the older years with beards. Steve wonders what would happen if Karl was to go on jury service. Karl preemptively ends the link.

7. Karl or Brett? (0:36:36)

Juries are supposed to be made up of "good men and true". The prospect of jury duty doesn't bother Karl, but Ricky and Steve think it would be amusing. Karl recaps his story of phoning the police in Manchester, when he saw two kids pushing a car away. The police arrived and seemed more interested in watching Karl in his underpants than catching the criminal. The Witness Protection Scheme also baffles Karl. His alter ego would be Jeffrey Peters or Brett Hanson with an afro wig and glasses, to escape the Mafia after the trial. Karl says that he'd assume the disguise of Brett Hanson in the trial, and then go back to Karl Pilkington afterwards, the reverse of what happens now. However, he says that he might go on the Witness Protection Scheme if Suzanne changed her haircut. Ricky says that Pilky's idea is genius.

8. Karl Versus Jacko (0:44:17)

It's "The Film Thing". Karl is acting alongside Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", in which Jack gives Karl's head a squoze. Karl gets annoyed, and tells the doctor to call Jack off. Karl says that Jack will never crack his head like an egg. The question is what grade Karl got in History for GCSE. Ricky sneezes.

9. Vigilante Chimp (0:48:37)

A text sarcastically says that the trio's "clever homophobic material" is "genius". Steve says that it's definitely not clever. Ricky says that Karl is bad for his reputation and gets him in trouble. Ricky can't go through Chinatown anymore because of Karl's theory about them. Then there's the incident where a woman with a large head heard Karl slagging her off and complained. Ricky says that Karl is mental but not malicious, except towards Steve. The Manc does Monkey News. A chimp in the 1950s was knockin' about in L.A, wearing a golden mask and a cape to disguise his simian features. The monkey acted as a vigilante, and everything was going well until it helped some people out and demanded bananas as a reward. The people pulled his mask off to reveal a monkey, which is where the story ends. Ricky and Steve don't respond and Steve quickly changes the subject to tell the meaning of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", from a nursery rhyme. "1,2,3,4,5,6,7, all good children go to heaven/ Some fly east, some fly west, some fly over the cuckoo's nest." Steve gives out the film quiz prize and reminds listeners that all Karl got was an E. Karl queries the film where the woman was with a monkey (Max, Mon Amour) and wonders if they had kids, who would always look more like their dad.


Ricky: Listen, Steve, you and me are gonna stay in touch whatever. Probably not my birthday this year, but next year we'd have known each other 7, 8 years, so come to that one.
Steve: Do I need to wear the waiter's outfit?

Ricky: Oh no that's not cryptic, that's shiiiit.

Ricky: What, sweeping chimneys in the day and then, "one hour of lerrnin'!"


If you go to Chepstow you will. S.
E.T. is upset - what's up with him? M.E.
I had a tape with Humpty Dumpty on it, and Hickory Dickory Dock, but I broke it. B.R.


Thin Lizzy - Don't Believe a Word
Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities
The Kinks - All Day and All of the Night
Outkast - Hey Ya
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded
50 Cent - P.I.M.P.
Radiohead - There There
The White Stripes - The Hardest Button to Button
The Libertines - Don't Look Back into the Sun
Pernice Brothers - Blinded by the Stars
Jane's Addiction - Just Because


  • When Karl Pilkington & Russel Brand stood in for DJ Nemone's BBC Radio 6 show on the 9th of Arpil 2006, Karl tells this same police helicopter anecdote, only with a major variation to the story; he tells Russel that when the Police phoned Karl up again, they inform him that he was to go out to the balcony because there was a police helicopter hovering outside wanting to talk to him. He then proceeds outside and has a yelling conversation with the police in the helicopter while they shine the floodlight at him in his underwear. Could it be possible this is the true unedited version of events that he didn't tell the scrutinizing and skeptical Ricky & Steve for fear of them disbelieving the whole event ever took place? Or could it be Karl just talks a lot of b*ll*cks? Probably the latter, but the image is hilarious just the same.

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...