20 December 2003

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

1. The King of Rock (0:00:00)

Ian Camfield, "The King of Rock", stands in for Karl, who is on holiday in Lanzarote. Camfield's brought in some Christmas tunes but mainly, this is the rock programme. Camfield is 14 but been in radio for 15 1/2 years. Ricky wants to know Camfield's four pillars of rock and the king who stands astride them.

2. Ricky's Flatulence (0:03:06)

Stephen Merchant talks about Ricky's flatulence "problem". Ricky doesn't like spending time in the toilet as he may miss out on some funny conversation, so he goes as little as possible. His farts make Steve's eyes "bleed". Lemmy never changes his boots and his rider is a 100 pack of Marlboros.

3. What Are Your Thoughts On Xfm (0:06:06)

Ricky does a Camfield impression and Steve questions Camfield on his feelings on Xfm as a whole, to which he replies "it's not quite Magic", which he has his eyes on. Camfield wants to play the Eagles. Ricky and Steve won't be long for the station and want to see Camfield carry it on. Ian doesn't look like a rocker but he reckons the days of rockers looking like Lemmy and smelling like Ricky are over anyway.

4. Do You Want Me To Do the Dance? (0:09:23)

Karl has forgotten to tell them the email password, so email Camfield to get in touch. Heat described Karl as a bald little Manc twat. He's probably sitting in the ash now, reading his Rich Hall book. Steve speculates on what an annoying holidaymaker Ricky must be.

5. The Cleanest Arse in Modern Magic (0:11:35)

Fairytale of New York is still brilliant. Steve talks about his visit from Derren Brown, and the fact that he's got a bidet. He says "I've never got my head around it", to which Ricky replies "you're not meant to". Have people in France seen the flush toilet yet? Extended bidet chat. Remember when they tried to get Karl to shower with their mate Johnny?

6. Chinese Gay Fellas (0:16:50)

Ricky wonders if Richard Ashcroft might want to not be associated with their show. He also comes to the realisation that there are a billion people in China, and one in ten people are homosexual.

7. We're So Ill-Educated (0:18:14)

Ricky heard a DJ in the week who commented on the Lennon/Yoko Christmas song. Is Camfield aware that if all the Chinese people jumped up and down at once, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy America? Steve thinks that's why they built the Wall, and why America is involved in the space race. Some racist chat to follow. What is the title of the leader of China? Someone phoned up to include that some of the homosexuals in China are women. Is Siam in China?

8. A Christmas Con (0:22:04)

Ricky does some Classic Gold banter. Steve retells the story of how distraught he was when he bought a PlayStation 2 for £20 more than another shop was charging. He loves online shopping for bargains. Steve is intimidated by teenagers. Once some nerds called him a geek. He goes on to tell about how he was conned by some aggressive teenage girls who said they were doing a sponsorship for no reason apparent to Stephen. He fobbed them off with £3. Steve is worried about the old people they might be ripping off.

9. The Monolith of Rock (0:26:27)

Camfield berates Ricky for not playing the entire Who song. Keith Moon is Ricky's favourite drummer. Camfield tells some stories about the rockers he's hung out with. Karl reckons the gays go out late. Steve thinks Ian is like the kid in Almost Famous. Camfield can't tell them some of what he's seen. If you stay up for two days, the best thing to do is eat some yoghurt.

10. Do You Actually Speak Like This, Ian? (0:30:53)

Ricky and Ian chat about The Darkness, and Ricky brings up Slade. Another addition to the Pillars of Rock. Ricky and Steve have Ian do some proper DJ chat.

11. Name That Group (0:33:28)

Did The Darkness just talk about bellends? Who is Ian's fourth addition to the Pillars? A competition for the heaviest most mental band names. Their king is obviously Tommy Vance, but do the kids know who he is? Ian worries that he's going to get a lot of bidet emails. Ricky's former band names amuse Steve, and the worst was "The Sacred Hearts".

A dyke at a wedding...

12. Wossy Wings In (0:37:38)

Jonathan Ross rings in and chats with the gang. He has a suggestion for a name for the best ever rock band name - "Blump". He talks about a picture of Ricky in his younger years, and says he looks like a "dyke at a wedding". Ross is masturbating now.

13. The Best Ever Rock Band (0:41:12)

Ricky puts in two band name suggestions: Tungsten Lung Hemorrhage and God Dildo. Others are: Balls of Steel, Brainhammer, Tumour Fish and Deathlehem.

14. Humanity Manatee (0:42:58)

Ian was going to go see Rainbow but Graham Bonnet had cancelled due to sickness, proven by the doctor's certificate posted. Listener Ben won the band name contest with Deathlehem, and they riff about the rock opera they would perform. Massive props to Ian for coming in. Ricky has been greatly impressed with his DJ skills and a brief recap of the show's highlights. Next week is a Best-of.



Feeder - Comfort in Sound
Oasis - Merry Xmas Everybody
Thin Lizzy - Don't Believe a Word
British Sea Power - Carrion
The Pogues feat. Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale of New York
Richard Ashcroft - Check the Meaning
John Lennon & Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War is Over)
Jona Lewie - Stop the Cavalry
The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again
Pharrell ft. Jay-Z - Frontin'
The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)
Kings of Leon - Wasted Time
Rainbow - Since You Been Gone
Paul Di'Anno - Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...