17 January 2004

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

17 January 2004 was the twelfth and final episode of Xfm Series 3.

Track Listing

For a partial transcript of this episode see 17 January 2004/Transcript.

1. I've Never Kept a Diary (0:00:00)

Ricky relays a bit of conversation he had with Karl had when he came in that morning. Karl wanted to know if Ricky had seen "that Alan Clark Diaries" because, as Karl concludes, keeping a diary will always get you into trouble. Ricky mentions Anne Frank and Karl inquires "the woman in the cupboard?" After Steve and Ricky force Karl to confess his ignorance on air, they explain a little more about who she was but Karl still doesn't think much of Anne (Karl is on a first-name basis with her) as she got caught. For once, Karl is right when he decides to leave it because it might be dodgy material. Karl continues his thoughts on diaries, and Steve and Ricky speculate what Karl's diary might be like, mentioning his Dave Hill from Slade comment about Suzanne's haircut. Karl concludes that diaries were a way to pass the time in prior generations but has now been replaced by modern devices like the iPod. Ricky suggests "The iPod of Anne Frank".

2. Proclaimers (0:04:40)

Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame is listening in; Lucas spoke with Ricky earlier and revealed that his favourite band is The Proclaimers. Ricky and Steve are both stunned that anyone could be enthused about the band, citing their singing in Scottish accents as their best feature.

3. On Hubbard: Debunking Nursery Rhymes (0:07:00)

Reminded of cupboards, Ricky mentions the Mother Hubbard rhyme and ponders if there is more to the poem than one verse regarding the lack of dog bones in the cupboard. Steve imagines that Mother Hubbard is recently widowed, impoverished and annoyed by a dog, and thusly makes for a depressing rhyme. Jack and Jill are mentioned, prompting Ricky to share some of his "weak observations, poorly performed" (see Politics) on Humpty Dumpty, this time playing out the material in two person format with Steve. Karl is curious about the nursery rhyme with "loads of people in the bed"; Ricky and Steve point out that the "little one" is abusing authority and thinking without foresight by demanding the others and itself to roll out of the bed. Then Ricky and Steve must explain to Karl about the "fella with clothes you can see through" in reference to the "king has no clothes" parable. Breaking nursery rhyme info zips into the show's email inbox, and it is discovered that then the "ten in the bed" may have been monkeys and that Humpty Dumpty was most likely a cannon. Karl says that things are getting too heavy, so Steve cuts to ads to digest all the additional Mother Hubbard verses a listener has sent in. After the break, Ricky deconstructs the additional verses to reveal that Mother Hubbard's dog was a spoiled mischievous homosexual with interspecial sexual tendencies and a crack cocaine addiction.

4. Pandering to the People (0:19:50)

To keep a not-quite-scowl from creeping across Karl's face, Rockbusters is permitted. The grand prize is the Collector's Edition of the BBC Radio 4 Adaptation of The Lord of the Rings. The first clue features Karl's delightfully warped version of the Jamaican fella. Steve reminds viewers to e-mail their answers in saying, "We don't wanna speak to you. Please don't phone up."

5. Chinese Lady Shoppe (0:24:00)

Ricky and Steve try to provoke a reaction in Karl by relaying an article on a Chinese farmer who was displeased that his purchased wife was physically male. Ricky and Steve start fishing out their best transsexist material, but Karl is not interested and mentions that the Chinese "don't waste anything" as he saw "duck's tongue on the menu".

6. Introducing Educating Ricky's Nipple (0:26:48)

To paraphrase Karl, Ricky is messing with his nipple causing it to go up a bit. Ricky and Steve are quick to offer Karl money for a nipple kissing feat. After a bit of a price negotiation and a question of why Karl was looking at the nipple in the first place, Karl ends the conversation by moving on to Educating Ricky. From Karl's list of clever headlines Ricky picks "Is That ImportANT?", and Karl simply uses this as a platform to criticize the name of anteater species, annoyed that they are simply named after what they eat and don't have a proper name like "beaver" . Karl's expertly culled fact is that an anteater can flick its tongue 160 times per minute. Karl's point is that this is not amazing as he achieved 148 tongue retractions per minute the prior night, which brings the conversation back to Ricky's nipple.

7. People Living in Holes in the Ground (0:31:26)

Ricky and Steve discuss the period when Salman Rushdie lived under 24-hour armed guard[1], and Steve is annoyed because "Have you seen ever seen a picture of his missus?...Have you seen a picture of him? He might be a great man and a talented writer and an intellectual fella but, Jesus, do something with the beard." Steve then discusses a man who attempted the world record for being buried underground that "began and ended a relationship with a woman while he was down there"; Steve is frustrated that, despite living above ground, he doesn't have as much romantic luck as the man ten feet underground. Karl doesn't think this man is clever for burying himself underground, just like "some woman who's going up Everest on a bike" isn't impressive because it is not as hard as walking.

8. Karl Auditions for Kilroy (00:37:50)

There are more emails advocating kissing Ricky's downwards-pointing nipple than there are Rockbusters answers, but Karl refuses on the contention that "You 'ear about stuff like this... And, then like, I might enjoy it and the next thing's like 'Suzanne can you leave coz, d'ya know what I mean, now I like fellas'." Ricky says that sounds like an episode of Kilroy and proposes an improvised pilot for Pilkington, throwing the textbook tranny anecdote of a teenage son upset that his biological father is a transsexual woman just starting transition. Ricky repeats his transsexist stand-up material (see Fame) about "keeping the nob" and "just needing to have some tits and a minge on me" to which Karl appropriately replies "kay, thanks for coming in today". Steve is underwhelmed with Karl, saying "That's your audition for Pilkington?" and Karl, frustrated after some more criticism, just capitulates, "I don't want the gig anyway." Rockbusters answers immediately follow.

9. Continuing "Educating Ricky" (0:44:55)

“Werther's a Will, There's a Way”: Karl says that there's a new drug, either a tab or an injection, which means an eighty year old woman can have a kid. Ricky interrupts to encourage listeners to phone in and demand that Karl kiss Ricky's nipple. For the final headline, “Hook, Line, and Good Thinkers”, Karl says, “They're makin' loads of fish with two heads”. Steve suggests, to Ricky's delight, that Karl should have two heads, and Karl wonders if that would enable him to do two shifts of work. Karl says he thinks this scientific venture is because there's a fish shortage. Ricky says that wouldn't work because the head is the part you throw away, but Karl continues with the problem at hand saying “when they do a head count, what do they do?”.

10. Radio Free Lick Nipple (0:50:09)

The phone lines are opened to listeners for nipple-kissing encouragement. Karl keeps hanging up on the calling listeners, and must be told to be nice. The first caller wants to talk about a human monkey and would easily kiss Ricky's nipple for £500, and then advises Karl to simply ask Ricky for more money. The next caller, Linda, suggests that Karl lick the nipple, but Karl dismisses it and quickly cuts to ads.

11. The Film Thing: When Harry Met Barry (0:51:36)

Queer film enthusiasts will be disappointed to know that there isn't a movie by the title of When Harry Met Barry, as Karl uses a clip from When Harry Met Sally and adds a signature Pilkster pun to title this Karl in a Film feature. Ricky can be heard laughing during the clip.

12. Monkey News: Monkey Duel in the Wild West (0:56:00)

Some fellas in Texas discover that a roaming pack of monkeys could be taught to ride horses and round up cattle. The (human) farmers decided that they need a “little woman monkey” to produce the next generation of capable chimp ranchers. Having heard the two men hype it up, the two monkeys are itching for a shoot off to determine who will take the hand of the woman-monkey. The one named George won, and according to Karl “they had 17 kids, the farm's still runnin'".

13. This Happened in "Scum"! (0:59:20)

At the very conclusion of Monkey News, Steve suggests, "Rick, would it count if you were to rub your nipple against his lips while I held him down?" There are sounds of a struggle as a muffled Karl resists, and Steve tells the audience to check it out on the webcam. Said webcam footage has not preserved, much to the detriment of modern society.


Ricky: Tell us everything you know about Anne Frank.
Karl: Uh.... she was in a cupboard.
Ricky: (laughing) Yeah. What else?
Karl: If she didn't do that, I wouldn't know about her, seriously. That's all I know about her.

Ricky: She wasn't in a cupboard; she was in an attic.
Karl: Alright.... so what was she doing?
Steve: Tidying up.
Ricky: She was hiding from the Nazis.
Karl: But isn't that the first place they'd look? Sort of... work from the top down.

Steve:The thing with Hubbard is - funny you just briefly mentioned Hubbard...

Ricky: The only time Karl laughs is for no apparent reason.
Steve: It's like people who've had electroshock therapy.

Steve: E-mail in, if you'd like to see, or rather hear, Karl kiss Ricky's nipple for £2000.

Ricky: Phone in if you wanna speak to Karl, get him to kiss a little nipple.

Regarding Ricky's Nipple
Steve: What would make your day, Linda?
Linda (On Phone): If Karl actually gave it a lick, not just a kiss.

Ricky: she went to jewellers to get him a clock, and when she came back...
Steve: what was he sucking?
Ricky: <laughs> a choc... ice


The Jamaican fella wrote a review for Phoenix Nights. D.C.
We should all vote for Paul Daniels, David Blaine, Copperfield, Great Soprendo, and Tommy Cooper and Derren Brown. E.S.
Steve, what did your dad do? E.


Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded
The Thorns - I Can't Remember
Travis - Writing to Reach You
Delays - Long Time Coming
Jimmy Webb - Galveston
Faith No More - I'm Easy (Cover)
Coldplay - Warning Sign
Ash - Burn Baby Burn
Kelis - Milkshake
Ryan Adams - So Alive
Neil Young - After The Gold Rush
Kings of Leon - California Waiting
The Cure - Pictures of You
Aimee Mann - Red Vines
Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...