29 November 2003

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

For a partial transcript of this episode see 29 November 2003/Transcript.

1. Free Buttplugs With Every Sale (0:00:00)

Karl has seen an unusual offer in a Soho shop window. What is the purpose of butt plugs? Steve can't believe they're already talking about this. Ricky makes them take an impromptu phone call on the subject.

2. The Hassle Of Having Friends And Family (0:04:41)

Karl's had some phone calls about butt plugs but is bemused. Karl likes short stories. He's in Heat next week and dislikes the picture they're putting in. He doesn't want people knowing what he looks like, including his brother and sister. Ricky tells about when Karl ran into his sister in a car park and wasn't interested in a picture of her new child. Ricky imitates a Northerner and Steve is angered by Karl's rudeness.

3. A Problem With Her Marrow (0:08:24)

Ricky went to see David Bowie in the week and it was brilliant. Karl's doesn't attend gigs often and doesn't want the songs to be messed with when played live. He took a girl to see Bottom in the '80s on a blind date, but the girl had a sickness so he didn't pursue the relationship.

4. Fella With A Maggot In His Head (0:13:54)

Karl calls Ricky in the week whilst watching a programme about maggots inside people, and proceeds to recount the stories it included. A look of frightendness.

5. Whoever Gave 'Em the Necks! (0:21:00)

Karl reminded Ricky of what he taught him last week, about Ivan the Terrible gouging out a builder's eyes. Karl's annoyed that Ricky and Steve believe in Newton but not interesting facts he gives them. Steve thinks all the things Karl teaches people are instantly forgotten. Goldfishes memories are longer than people think they are. There are loads of Chinese people; if you put them in a line, you can't get to the end of it. The world may end in 32 million years. Ricky tried to come up with facts to interest Karl, including ones about an owl's eyes and giraffe's necks, which anger Karl. Steve compares Karl to someone with Alzheimer's. He reads from his Asimov fact book about baboons waiting tables and wants to know what they did next. Peter the Great kept his wife's lover's head in a jar in her bedroom.

6. Quite an Interesting Mind (0:28:18)

A caller has some clarification on the man with the maggot in his head. Steve further explains his Peter the Great fact to Karl. Karl's dad thinks he has common sense. Karl queries the importance of the Peter the Great story. Ricky wants adverts.

7. Karl is a Really Good Actor (0:31:31)

Karl In A Film this week is A Few Good Men, and Ricky has a compliment for him. Steve reads off the prizes which include Ricky's "mediocre" stand-up DVD if you know who was at number 50 in Karl's book.

8. Don't Read the Sundays Tomorrow (0:37:10)

An email about opening mail as treason. Copies of The Office Christmas Specials got sent to the wrong person and the woman in possession might have sold the script to the Sundays. It's a good job Karl sends out the prizes. Ricky tries to explain Pandora's box to Karl. Karl's got this week's interesting headlines:

  • Bong: "Man who walks backwards around lake falls in"
  • Bong: "Chinese woman eats dirt"
  • Bong: "Man lives in rubbish dump for ten years"
  • Bong: "Czech family says they've got a rabbit with three nobs"

Steve has one more Asimov fact about WWII but Karl's not interested. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

9. Juke Box or Junk Box? (0:45:16)

Steve's been looking through the pigeonhole and decides to play out clips from a few bands who've sent them tracks.

The second band has a cover with the band naked and Karl looks at the woman's nob. Ricky's favourite is the third band but Karl's not that bothered about music.

10. What's a Babylonian? (0:52:29)

A listener wants to know what school Karl went to so he doesn't send his kids to the same place. Karl looks like Gollum. Ricky has a new way to squeeze Karl's head which includes a tea towel and a spatula. People from Baba. Karl's not interested in the fact about sick Babylonians sat in the city center and again brings up his weird facts. He's got one about a man who left his money to a theatre if they'd use his skull for Hamlet and about the albino inventor of 7-Up. If Karl and Suzanne had kids, she'd teach them the proper stuff. Karl has a solution to her wanting small people about.

11. A Jumper for Pants(1:02:14)

Ricky's wound up because Karl has no Monkey News. His mam sent him something about monkey throwing in Lincolnshire as a memorial to a man who got attacked by a monkey. Donna Air is going to let a gorilla look after her baby for a week. A listener has a fact about Attila the Hun who cut off a man's arms and legs and stitched them back in the wrong places.


The Thrills - Don't Steal Our Sun
Kiss - God Gave Rock 'N Roll to You
David Bowie - Lady Stardust
Libertines - Don't Look Back into the Sun
Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
U2 - The Sweetest Thing
Gary Jules - Mad World
No Doubt - It's My Life
The Thorns - No Blue Sky
Outkast - Hey Ya
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
Jet - Roll Over DJ
Ash - Sometimes


Karl: Well yeah, I thought, 'What's the point in spending time with her, spending money on her and stuff and then she's gonna die on me.'

Steve: If you're morally objectionable, why not email [email protected].

Steve: But Karl, what you consider education, I consider tittle-tattle.

Ricky: You're one of the cleverest blokes in some ways, that I know. It's like you follow the sub-plot, which is quite an interesting thing.

Karl: If it's weird, it helps.

Karl: Suzanne's always saying she'd like to hear tiny feet running 'round the flat. I just said, Let's just get a little midget cleaner.


  • According to Ricky during his Politics show, after Karl told his anecdote about the blind date who had a wasting disease, Ricky took him aside off-air and said he had to be careful because she may have been listening and been upset by his comments. Karl's response was that she would probably be dead by now.
  • As Ricky and Steve express their concern over The Office Christmas Special Script that was sent to the wrong person, Karl confidently declares, "All I can say is - it's a good job that I send out the prizes because that 'Michael Palin : Around the World in 80 Days' will be going to the person who won it." Jo Ogden, winner of this week's quiz, will email in 6 weeks later to complain that she never received her prize.
  • The documentary Karl refers to is Bodysnatchers, broadcast on the BBC and hosted by Ross Kemp.

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...