08 November 2003

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 08 November 2003/Transcript.

1. Let's Talk About Her Fat Arse (0:00:00)

The show begins on an upbeat note, with the boys saying that last week's show was brilliant; what isn't brilliant is Suzanne's Dave Hill haircut. Ricky recaps last week's incident, which has led to Suzanne and Karl having a row. Karl says that she isn't listening this week so he can talk about her "fat arse". Suzanne was more hurt than annoyed but Karl defended himself by comparing the slagging off of her hair to his "Orientals Don't Age Well" theory. Steve says that Karl has never admitted that he's wrong, and the Manc stands by his Slade comparison this week. He did instruct his girlfriend to wear a hat when out in public, and only bought her the coat so it would take the focus off of her hair. Ricky says Karl is in "deep shite".

2. Gays Love Britney (0:04:33)

Steve discusses Britney Spears, who Ricky thinks is both desperate and all right. Steve says that the pop diva is playing at G.A.Y in London, but only for G.A.Y regulars. The regularity of the attendees was ascertained by a series of questions which Ricky and Steve act out. Assuming the role of his gay alter ego "Paulo", Steve takes Ricky's probing, correctly answering his questions and gaining 20 bender points before letting his straight side show; he's probably bi.

3. Man - Woman - Man (0:08:54)

Karl mentions a programme on telly about someone who may or may not be a man or a woman or something else. This confusion angers Ricky. They finally get to the bottom and discuss the Sky One show "There's Something About Miriam", Steve says that Sky One has nothing on it except for The Simpsons. Kirsty's Home Videos and wrestling. The channel appears to have been made by a 14 year old boy. Karl doesn't have Sky but thinks he would love it, having seen a bit when "doing that show with Richard Bacon". Karl talks in riddles and should be the Gatekeeper in a Dungeons and Dragons game.

4. On A Real Radio Station We Could Never Do This (0:16:14)

Ricky says that the previous link could never have been done by someone like Terry Wogan. Steve can't understand Wogan as the jovial Irishman keeps going up and down with his voice. Paulo makes a return, saying that he'd rather watch the F.A. Cup final than the Eurovision Song Contest, as he fancies David Beckham. Steve, back in the lank guise, says that footballer's shorts used to be tighter (causing a recap of Karl's penis gazing nightclub story), while Gervais predicts that the shorts will get tighter again before he dies, as that is the way fashion goes. Karl moves away from the topic to do Rockbusters, the answers to which can be texted in, which causes Ricky to lament his inability to text. Double You See One. Karl reads the first clue but messes it up; they abandon Rockbusters for a song.

5. Unlike The Times Crossword The Clue Changes Every Time (0:22:55)

Ricky blasts Karl for messing up Rockbusters. He reveals the answer to the first clue, and then sets the second and third.

6. Gun Raid By Three Saddams (0:25:00)

Steve's been reading The Daily Express, in which there is a story about a gun raid by three burglars wearing Saddam Hussein masks. Police are linking the raids as the appearance of the perpetrators looked similar. Steve wonders how the robbers decided upon the masks, leading to a role play of the robbers discussing comedy versus fear. Steve then warns joke shop owners to be more vigilant when selling such masks. Paulo returns to say he likes Shirley Bassey's breasts, only as they are on her. Karl says that "The Film Thing" is coming up later.

7. What Worries Me is the Apostrophe-S (0:29:33)

Karl defends his contribution to the show, and then tells how Ananova.com have stole his idea of only reading the first line of a story. He reads the headlines which he believes prove his point. This would later become a regular feature. Here's the headlines:

  • Bong: "Vibrating Shoes Could Stop Elderly Falling"
  • Bong: "Family Sick of Living On Butthole Road"
  • Bong: "Man Wears Same Shoes For 60 Years"
  • Bong: "Man Pulls Train With Teeth"
  • Bong: "Man Fails To Break Clothespegs On Face Record"

The last item is the only one that Karl actually read on with, though the headline is self-explanatory. Karl also tells of a man who ate watches to set a record; 3 in a minute. "How did he time it?" Ricky quips. Karl then says that he thinks that pulling a train with teeth isn't very impressive, and thinks that the man who did that only did it because he couldn't beat the man who pulled it with his hands. Guinness Book discussion includes Ricky telling his "milk bottle on head" observation and Karl as the most stupid human in the world. Gary "Stretch" Turner and the possibility of tweaking the rules. Steve asks about the family who lived on Butthole Road, and says that his family in Bristol lived on an unfortunately named road which he doesn't want to say as his parents still lived there. Ricky meets the revelation with derision and laughter. Steve's friend Rufus used to live in Folkingham then his parents moved to Fingringhoe. Steve asks listeners to email in with similar witticisms. Karl says the family on Butthole Road moved as they were fed up of people pulling their pants down next to the road sign. Karl and Ricky do a sketch where an estate agent won't tell his client the name of the road.

8. Just Cos She's From Switzerland (0:37:57)

The listeners contribute amusing place names; Assagay in South Africa, Fartstown near Leeds, and Butts Farm in Tamworth. Ricky would like rename Manchester as Whinging on the Wold, and become Mayor so he could make the residents work on Mondays (sly dig at Karl there). Steve would like to be mayor of Chinatown, which he claims is not a town, but more of a novelty street with slippy roads, restaurants, lampshade hats and wooden shoes. "I don't think you can build a town entirely out of restaurants," says the lanky one. Ricky tries to get Karl to recap his Oriental aging theory, but the Manc says "Leave it". More place names: Bell End, Clitterhouse Drive and Mianus. Ricky has heard of that somewhere. He and Steve then ask a series of hypothetical questions where the answer comes back as "Mianus". Karl snidely says that rather than reading out the A-Z they should do Rockbusters answers. A Swiss person called Tina wins, and Steve appeals for her to email back to say who her countrymen wanted to win the wars.

9. How Many Times A Day Does He Squoze It? (0:42:33)

Uncertainty as to whether The Elephant Man or Kes is Karl's favourite film. Ricky puts on headphones and realises how noisy and annoying he is. Time for the film quiz. This week, Karl is in Kes. He edits himself into the scene where Billy Casper is made to tell a story in class. Instead of telling the class about his bird, he now tells of Ricky Gervais giving his head a "squoze". The teacher asks how to spell the word "squoze" which causes Ricky to squeal with laughter in the background. Karl (Billy Casper) spells the word, and then spells the word swivel. The class applaud and the clip ends. Back in the studio Ricky is dying of laughter and congratulates Karl. Karl sets a question; how many squeezes can Ricky get in before the show starts.

10. I Don't Feel You've Earned Monday Off (0:47:56)

John has won "The Film Thing". Karl outlines the rules of the verb "squoze". Ricky says Karl hasn't earnt Monday off yet, and demands Monkey News. And here it is: people were on a chatroom, but one poster was a bit strange. Karl brings up the Infinite monkey theorem again. Instead of asking to meet in a pub, the poster asked to meet in a tree, and asked his date to bring bananas to said tree. Ricky gets angry and gets up to leave the studio, saying "you're nearly retarded in some aspects".

11. You Call That A Boil? (0:51:37)

Ricky recaps the show. There is a town called Muff in Northern Ireland. Ricky "boasts" that nobody on radio has anything like Monkey News. The Swiss woman hasn't emailed back to say who they were rooting for in the wars. Steve corrects Ricky that the Swiss speak German anyway. Ricky says that foreigners sound stupid if they don't speak English, and that when he went to Holland he saw a mouse on the stairs with clogs on. Karl learned something this week: there are more moves on a chessboard than particles in the universe. Ricky mumbles an explanation, which includes the phrase "tents towards infinity". Ricky and Steve say goodbye.


Ricky: You are one of the most stupid humans I have ever met.
Karl: Well, get me in the book!

Ricky: No one's got anything like Monkey News on radio.
Steve: Think of that as a boast!

Ricky: [The Swiss had better have wanted] us to win [the War]. 'Cause if it wasn’t for us, and we’d have let fascism go in there and, uh-- they’d be speaking bloody German and Italian all over the place wouldn’t they?


That Teletubby has got nits. P.
I'm saving that money to buy condoms. J.C.
When you're making bread, add a little bit of colour for a change. D.


  • The name of the street Steve's parents live on in Bristol is Gay's Road.
  • This episode features the only instance of Karl participating in a role play scenario during the Xfm years. Karl did not participate in any additional role plays until Series 5 of the Podcasts.
  • The American town of Mianus was featured in an episode of MTV show Jackass.


The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
The Smiths - Cemetry Gates
Outkast - Hey Ya
The Clash - Train in Vain
Johnny Cash - Hurt
Aimee Mann - Red Vines
David Bowie - Waterloo Sunset
The Thorns - I Can't Remember
The Strokes - 12:51
Prince - If I Was Your Girlfriend
Foo Fighters - Learn to Fly
REM - Bad Day
Eddie and the Hot Rods - Do Anything You Wanna Do
Mark Ronson - Ooh Wee
Hawksley Workman - Safe and Sound

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...