01 December 2001

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Today's show is all about things that are dying out, That Film Sounds Good debuts as a feature, and Karl is officially established by Ricky as the third member of the team, much to Steve's dismay.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 01 December 2001/Transcript.

1. Nothing To Give Away (0:00:00)

Because Ricky and Steve have been taking the mickey out of the tickets they are given as prizes, it was decided to "hold them back" this time. Chuffed at being punished for their subversive behavior, they attempt a high five but fail because of their height difference.

2. Steve Merchant Wants A Wife (0:01:37)

Company magazine are compiling a 50 Most Eligible Bachelors feature, and Steve reckons he fits all the requirements to be on that list. It also brings him to tell Ricky and Karl about an idea for a TV show he's had ever since watching a trailer for The Farmer wants a Wife, aptly called Steve Merchant Wants A Wife, where the public votes who will become Steve's wife. Steve doesn't mind, because "I'll have anything, whatever they can choose".

3. Christmas Telly (0:04:49)

Steve relates about his luck with the ladies walking back from the shops the other night, when a 50-ish year old woman in a kind of rhinestone cowboy type outfit tried to beckon him. He did carry two cans of weak lager at the time. Although tempted, in the end he decides to leg it. They discuss the Christmas TV supplements papers give away, and agree they bring them out too early, so that about half of the listings are "to be confirmed". Also some rubbish talk about the difference between concerts, concertos and concertinas.

4. Pipes Are Dying Out (0:09:30)

The conversation starts off with some banter about obsolete musical instruments, followed by Steve's failure to recognise Bruce Dickinson in a sandwich shop. Steve regrets the demise of pipe smoking, and calls for anyone listening under the age of 30 who smokes a pipe regularly to contact the show. They discuss the possibility of the cape making a comeback as a fashion accessory. Karl disses the cape due to its lack of pockets.
New feature: That Film Sounds Good: Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street

5. Rocky Soundtrack (0:13:32)

Steve embarrasses Ricky on air by disclosing he did boxing training during the week listening to the Rocky [1] soundtrack. Karl manages to play a snippet of Eye of the Tiger [2], which Ricky misses initially, due to the fact that he hardly ever wears his headphones.

6. Bowler Hats and Giants (0:15:55)

Ricky's afraid he is losing his street cred after admitting he bought a Lyte Funky Ones CD. Some more banter about stuff dying out, this time the disappearance of the bowler hat. Karl admits he once did wear a trilby. Somehow, this conversation leads to them talking about the reason why the Jolly Green Giant is so jolly. Apparently, it's to do with the size of his knob. All this talk about giants has Karl wondering about their diet, "How they actually got that big in the first place".
Under The Covers: Lloyd Cole - Chelsea Hotel

7. We're Featured Up (0:20:33)

The talk is about words that should be rude but aren't. It looks like a nice idea for a new feature if it wasn't for the fact that they're "featured up".

8. Pop Idols (0:22:10)

Rik Waller and his size are discussed, even though his name is not mentioned. They list other "fatties" who have been in the charts: Demis Roussos, Alison Moyet and Geri Halliwell.

9. Insensitive Pop Stars (0:25:04)

Ricky and Steve come up with things that conjure up Christmas, like Cadbury's Roses and pizza. Steve read in the paper about Charlotte Church slagging off firemen, claiming that they were "just doing their job" on 9/11. This leads them to question why the general public should care about what Pop Stars have to say about world events, which, in turn, gives Ricky and Steve the chance to give their opinion on current pop bands.
Song For The Lovers: Simon and Garfunkel - April Come She Will

10. Film Review - My Left Foot (0:30:08)

My Left Foot is a film about a bloke called Daniel Day-Lewis, "who's all mental, except for his left foot, right?" says reviewer Ricky Gervais. Steve states that all Ricky's film reviews should be bundled and released for the Christmas market.

11. Sir Cliff And The Wrinklies (0:32:16)

Recapping today's show, Ricky soon runs out of steam, and Steve steps in to ask Karl about Cliff Richard's video for his new single. According to Steve, it's one of the worst songs, and one of the worst videos he's ever seen [3]. After that, Karl opens up, and lifts the conversation to a whole different level (see Quotes) and it all ends with Steve saying to Karl "You're a gem, you're a diamond".

12. Karl's Protected (0:36:44)

Karl stands up for Ricky when he's having a squabble with Steve about who has better ideas for the show, after Steve proposes a new feature. Steve longs for the time Karl wasn't allowed to talk on air (see Quotes), but Ricky returns the favour saying "He's protected, by me."
Song For The Ladies: Wedding Present - Dream World
Total run time: (0:38:23)


Karl: Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...

Steve: I remember the days when Karl didn't even want to be on the air, I remember the days when he was told by the establishment that he wasn't allowed to talk on the air, and now, it's like, as far as he's concerned, he's a third member of the team.

Steve: Karl - you're not a fan of the cape?! You're turning your nose up at the cape - that's a- madness!
Karl: No pockets.
Steve: Good point, you could have some kind of inner smugglers pocket.
Karl: If they did that I'd buy one.


Muse - Feeling Good
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Love Burns
Eminem - The Real Slim Shady
Gorillaz - Rock The House
That Film Sounds Good: Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street
U2 - Walk On
Under The Covers: Lloyd Cole - Chelsea Hotel
Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
Pharoahe Monch - Got You
Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You
Song For The Lovers: Simon and Garfunkel - April Come She Will
The Strokes -
Eels - Fresh Feeling
Happy Mondays - Step On
Blur - Song 2
Song For The Ladies: The Wedding Present - Dream World

External links

Official Rocky Website
Survivor - Eye of the Tiger on YouTube
Cliff Richard - Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World on YouTube

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...