02 March 2002

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

The grand revealing of Karl's GCSE results, results in disappointment, educational plans and nostalgia.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 02 March 2002/Transcript.

1. If I Win, I Won't Tell Ya (0:00:00)

If Karl wins the lottery, he and Suzanne would probably break up because they like different things. Discussion of the improbability of winning the lottery. Going on a world cruise - "Where do you go next year?"

2. If You Didn't Have Bad Things, You Wouldn't Enjoy the Good Things (0:04:42)

Ricky mentions 4 Non Blondes as expected, White Van Man question on Russell Crowe's BAFTA behavior, Crowe could have photocopied his poem for the audience, Has Kylie had a bum job?, Will Young single, embryo cloning.

3. What Do You Mean, Register? (00:10:49)

Ricky & Steve have contacted Karl's school, and found out his GCSE exam results. Karl is surprised to hear that he only took one, History, for which he got an E. He's annoyed because he's sure he turned up for more. It appears that he was not registered for the others. Ricky wants him to learn about Rasputin, and offers to pay for him to take it again.

4. Divorced, Beheaded, Died (0:17:49)

Karl is upset about his result. He has got jobs in the past by claiming to have more qualifications, though he didn't need to for his job at Xfm. Mark Pilkington's confidence, Karl liked to distract his teachers as a kid. Mrs Pilkington taught Karl a special version of the alphabet song.

5. Educating Karl (0:21:18)

Ricky wants to help Karl, and appeals for a History teacher to give him lessons so he can re-sit his GCSE. Gut Bucket playing tonight in E1.

6. Sort of an Old Version of Rocky (0:24:17)

Karl reviews the film Gladiator and finds a number of historical inaccuracies in it, after researching on the internet. 5/10

7. Rasputin, Rapunzel, and the Three Billy Goats Gruff (0:29:41)

Karl has been studying Rasputin. Face full of Battenberg and Boney M. Karl doesn't understand why he's a historical figure - "he just sounds a bit like me brother". Next week, Che Guevara.

8. It Was a Skittle (0:36:06)

Ricky & Steve have been looking up Karl's school friends on Friends Reunited. Darren Buckley and his gambling problem. His copper dad finds a Skittle and thinks it's drugs. Kids at school with beards, the kid who didn't have enough milk, and Karl's pet magpie. She used to pop the tyres of his Grifter bicycle. He took it to school, and it flew away.

9. She Wanted Me (0:46:01)

Ricky & Steve compare his monologues to Alan Bennett's, who Karl confuses with Tony Bennett. The girls at school who fought over Karl, and more of Karl's old classmates. The end of a "Karl special".


Karl: The Tudors? I don't even know if I had a family back then.

Steve: What about this big debate over whether Kylie Minogue has had a bum job?
Karl: I’d have to see it.

Ricky: "Punch me on the arm!".."No! Punch me on the arm, Karl!".

Ricky: There’s a certain lack of respect for the... squid and octopi fraternity.

Karl: Um, he was um, he was a monk.
Ricky: Mad?


Zero 7 - Distractions
Stone Roses - I Wanna Be Adored
Clinic - Walking With Thee
Verve - Sonnet
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
Aimee Mann - Red Vines
Dandy Warhols - Get Off
Jimmy Webb - Galveston
Travis - Sing
Cornershop - Lessons Learned From Rocky I To Rocky III
Sugababes - Are Freaks Electric
Hip-Hop Hooray: Spearhead - People in Tha Middle
Mary Lorson - Oh Regret

External Links

Travis - Sing (mollusk abuse at it's finest)

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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...