30 March 2002

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 30 March 2002/Transcript.

1. I Love Cox in the Morning (0:00:00)

Ricky and Steve discuss an article in The Guardian which detailed a broadcasting complaint upheld against the show. This complaint was due to the repeated use of the word 'cocks' in a previous show. In relation to the Radio1 DJ Sara Cox, Ricky says that he 'loves Cox in the morning'. The article said they were "rapped" and given "a dressing down" but actually Karl was meant to tell them but had forgotten.

2. It's Boring, Water (0:03:46)

Work is being done on lifting Karl into the air with a balloon. Steve is concerned about Ricky's eating habits and speculates as to his working class chip fat roots.

3. Written by Four People (0:07:51)

Ricky and Steve slag off the Xfm library again. Steve and Karl were out the night before at Marketplace Xtra-Curricular with other Xfm DJs, where he straightens out Karl's confusion between Jennifer Lopez and Left-Eye from TLC. Steve and Dan spent 2 1/2 hours mixing the theme to Arthur. Ricky sees an ad for a kid's toy he believes is called a Bollock.

4. The Foot High Club (0:11:35)

Steve fancies a girl he sees on the train and eavesdrops on a conversation she's having with a guy she just met. He gives up when he later hears her telling her friend on the phone that she was interested in the other guy.

5. Mongs (0:15:55)

Ricky, Steve, and Karl are going to Edinburgh for the Festival, and Ricky explains haggis to Karl. Ricky tries to educate Karl on how to pluralise animal words, and Karl has a go at the plural of 'mongoose'.

6. Karl the Defense Lawyer (0:18:10)

Karl thinks the harmonica is annoying, and tells a story about Leo Sayer in concert singing One Man Band where he grabbed off someone's plastic hand. White Van Karl questions about Britney Spears ignoring her fans at her film premiere; New York's former police chief saying London needs more bobbies on the beat; new gambling laws for Blackpool; and Ashley Walters being jailed for 18 months; and Halle Berry being the first black woman to win a best actress Oscar. Karl tells Ricky and Steve about a dream he had in which he was wearing a t-shirt that said "So Solid Poo" when he ran into the band, and also about the time he got an award for not missing a day of school for a month.

7. That's a Fable (0:26:19)

Steve and Dan query Karl as to ways he might combat not knowing the White Van Man questions he'll be asked that day. Karl has studied Aesop's Fables for Educating Karl this week. Karl would like them to be more realistic. Ricky tells a fable about heaven and hell, and Steve has one about 2 nuns in a bath.

8. The Shoulders of Giants (0:33:54)

Aesop's Fables chat continues: there wasn't anything new for Karl to learn there. Ricky brought in the Concise Oxford Dictionary of Quotations for Karl, and reads Newton's quote about standing on the shoulders of giants. One of Steve's favourites is about fame as a mask eating into one's face. Hip-Hop Hooray is N.E.R.D.

9. Mechanical Beetles Never Quite Warm (0:38:47)

More quotes, to Karl's chagrin. Next week Ricky will bring in pictures of animals and some sweets instead. The bosses talk to Steve about the show and adding in the Xfm Gig Guide. They play the proper jingle and Ricky introduces all the awesome bands playing in Greater London. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage ..." Song For The Lovers is Radiohead.

10. Never Tell the Same Lie Twice (0:42:52)

Steve thinks all the quotations chat is a little highbrow, and Ricky references the Cox DJs again. Karl wanted Ricky to bring in his animal book but Ricky says it's too elementary. Turtles can breathe out of their bum. Steve worries they have forgotten the true meaning of Easter and asks Karl what he remembers of it ("a long weekend off"). Jesus on the cross was too long ago for Karl to worry about it. Karl is poorly today, but Steve's mates say Steve is a hypochondriac, which reminds Karl of the Boy Who Cried Wolf.


Ricky: Now – I like Cox in the morning...

Steve: Have you actually been rapped over this?
Ricky: No. I don’t know what that is.
Steve: Have you had a “dressing down”? When did that happen?
Ricky: No. I don’t know.
Karl: I was meant to tell you, but I never got round to it.
Steve: Thanks, man.
Karl: So don’t do it again.

Steve: Come on, Rick! If Marx and Engels is not gonna get a woman sweaty down below, then nothing is. Then my name is not Steve Merchant.

Karl: ...but it’s all about ‘a gorilla and a fox are walking thru the woods.’ How often does that happen?


  • Some of the material from the fables section appears in other works by Gervais. The industrious mouse and lazy mouse fable appears in Politics, as does Ricky's criticism that the only possible moral for The Boy Who Cried Wolf is "don't tell the same lie twice."
  • Steve mentions one of his favourite quotes is "Fame is a mask that eats into the face", which was later quoted by Barry from Eastenders in the Extras Christmas Special as well as serving as the central theme for that episode. The phrase originates from American novelist John Updike who wrote in his 1989 auto-biography, Self-Consciousness: Memoirs that "Celebrity is a mask that eats into the face. As soon as one is aware of being somebody, to be watched and listened to with extra interest, input ceases, and the performer goes blind and deaf in his over-animation. One can either see or be seen."
  • The 'bolock' toy that Ricky mentions seeing advertised is a 'Bohrok', a toy from the Lego Bionicle range that can be curled up into a ball.


New Order - Here to Stay
Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro
Badly Drawn Boy - Something to Talk About
Beta Band - Broke
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
Public Image Ltd - Rise
Travis - Flowers in the Window
Bob Dylan - Just Like a Woman
Belle and Sebastian - Legal Man
Preston School of Industry - Whalebones
Hip-Hop Hooray: N.E.R.D. - Bobby James
Doves - There Goes the Fear
Song For The Lovers: Radiohead - Let Down
Song For The Ladies: Stevie Wonder - I Never Dreamed You'd Leave

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...