09 March 2002

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

The lads talk about 'Frog Men', Che Guevara, Little Donkey & Mark Pilkington's tank.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 09 March 2002/Transcript.

1. Steve's Toilet Trauma (0:00:00)

Steve's stint on the BBC World Service threatened by getting stuck in his upstairs bathroom.

2. The Human Eye Never Grows (0:06:12)

More crackpot theories from Karl: the human eye never grows, babies don't get knee caps until age 2. Steve has huge eyes. Karl's homework was to read all about Che Guevara. "White Van Karl" title coined.

3. It Would Be Too Obvious (0:10:57)

Karl wouldn't want to go to a reunion. The boys with the big heads and webbed hands weren't friends with each other because it would be too obvious. White Van Karl: Alain Baxter takes drugs to ski and Karl thinks that won't help him anyway. Knowing about the Tudors wouldn't help Karl press the buttons. Karl saw David Beckham at the train station and thought he knew him from school; Suzanne explained to him his mistake. A lot of old people look bored. Tony Blair's naked lady shirt. Will Young banned from singing A and B tracks.

4. Will It Be Horrible (0:19:24)

Trauma is inevitable if you're in the army. Karl's brother Mark in the army. His mam calls the sergeant if he can stay out of it and calls him Chuck. The first telling of Mark getting kicked out of the army for getting a packet of fags in a tank, and going off with the sergeant's wife. Ricky wants to have Karl put down.

5. Sorry To Hear About Your Exam Results (0:25:38)

The word is out about Karl's results. Educating Karl: Che Guervara

6. They Were Too Busy Saying "Who Are You?" (0:35:21)

Che Guevara expert on the phone. Mrs Matthews' damning statement.

7. Confusing Breasts with Mountains (0:38:35)

Elephant dung used as a contraceptive in the olden days. Shakira conversation. A little kid stares at Ash Atalla at the BBC, Karl's Dad in his taxi picking up the elephant woman. Steve thinks Karl's from Narnia. Song For The Lovers is Teenage Fanclub.

8. It Is a Kid's Film (0:48:04)

Colin Makin was brainy but not up to much now. Karl saw Monsters Inc. Karl's parents didn't take exams but his dad can take care of stuff in the house. Karl will rent Rounders while Suzanne is away. Steve tries to tempt him with Midnight Express on Ice instead. Song For The Ladies is the Cure.


Karl: Mrs Matthews said to me mam and dad that [I'd never be a high flier] - and that was after I played the drums in Little Donkey.

Ricky: "London Zoo please! Bvvvrrooooo!"

Ricky: ...As opposed to him just like scoring some shit around the corner from someone, getting off his tits and jumping in a toboggan.

Ricky: Karl’s stories always start off nice and funny, and then they just leave me empty and slightly depressed. I don’t know whether to hug him or shoot him – put him out of his misery. Can we take Karl to the... phone in if you think we should take Karl to the vet and have him put down! Cos it’s just too stressful.

Steve: Karl, this is a quick question to you – would you ever find yourself in a situation when you might confuse a woman’s breasts with mountains? Is that a concern for you?
Karl: I dunno.
Steve: Not a problem for you?
Ricky: Well, not if they’re…not if they’re small and humble, I wouldn’t.

Ricky: I said wouldn't you wanna see those two lads with the big heads and webbed hands?
Steve: Oh yeah, these were people you went to school with weren't they?
Karl: Well, I didn't knock about with them they were in the class
Steve: What were they called?
Karl: Ahh... freaks.


Pete Yorn - For Nancy
Nirvana - All Apologies
Wu-Tang Clan - Uzi
Neil Young - Alabama
Athlete - Westside
Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
The Hives - Main Offender
Hip-Hop Hooray: OutKast - Rosa Parks
R.E.M. - Orange Crush
Song For The Lovers: Teenage Fanclub - I Need Direction
Song For The Ladies: The Cure - Catch

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...