23 February 2002

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Some posh lads come as part of a scavenger hunt, Karl struggles to remember Mogwai, but... speaks English quite good.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 23 February 2002/Transcript.

1. 9000 Points If They Cut Peter Stringfellow’s Hair (0:00:00)

The boys prepare us for the arrival of some posh lads, who are scavenging for charity, by analysing their challenges.

2. The Twat In The Hat (0:03:08)

We learn a little about Suzanne: she's a journalist, but not like a proper one, and she's upset with Karl's new found fame as an 'idiot'. This prompts Karl's telling of the Little Donkey story, the highs and lows of drumming at his school nativity play, and how to contact alien life forms with 'Oggy, Oggy, Oggy'.

3. What Were The Things In Gremlins? (0:09:23)

Call Steve at home if you want his opinion on hip hop, White Van Man questions about Kylie versus Dido; taxes rising to pay for NHS improvements is OK by Karl because his dad was in hospital once (where Karl got his first gig on Hospital Radio); and the infamous "What were the things in Gremlins called?" question.

4. Skoe And Belch (0:14:20)

The posh lads join our heroes to discuss their scavenger hunt challenge, turn down kissing Karl and talk about what kind of music they like. Rubbish music - they give a big shout out to S Club 7 in the hopes of getting on stage with them. Did they? We neither know nor care.

5. Snakes Are Deaf (0:18:53)

White Van Karl continues, Karl is pleased about the British Olympic gold medal for curling, but not the hype that's followed; the world's tallest man has just turned up in Neasden, and should get his tumour sorted according to Karl. And finally the British climate is changing, making it hospitable for more exotic wildlife, but Karl is not pleased. He'd rather have bad weather and avoid deadly snakes.

6. Bad Lyrics By Good Artists (0:23:11)

Steve thinks corny songs are preferable to pretentious twoddle, Ricky and Steve break down the plot of Enrique Iglesias' Hero video. Followed by adverts!!!!

7. It's That Point In The Show (0:25:19)

Ricky wants to play classics; the Song For The Lovers track is written by Jimmy Webb with his lovely arse. What?

8. They Just Wheel You Out (0:26:48)

Steve hopes nu-metal fans can appreciate these classic songs, and Karl tries to plug Ian Camfield's show, to the displeasure of Rick and Steve. Karl gets upset, and Steve orders him to switch his microphone off and stop interrupting Ricky telling us about Camfield. He does, they forgive Karl and more ads!!!!

9. English Quite Good (0:28:40)

Karl had trouble filling out a job application, misunderstanding the 'language' section. He's making an effort by nearly remembering the name of Slobodan Milosevic. Listeners learn that Karl never got his GCSE exam results; he thinks he took English, Maths, Art and Physics, but can't remember it well and he doesn't believe in revision. What's bugging Karl is, how do you put down a snake? You can pick it up because it's deaf, but putting it down? Who knows. Back to academia and next week, on this very show, live on-air, we will find out Karl's exam results... oh yeah, he didn't collect them because he had to use gold ink in his printing job that day.

10. Bruce Lee Is Not Dead (0:36:44)

Bruce Lee faked his death to work as an undercover cop and Karl makes some good old-fashioned racist comments.

11. Ricky Won't Diss Steve or His Black Queen (0:40:48)

Dilated Peoples do a trail for Steve.

12. There Has To Be Shit Involved (0:42:30)

Steve remembers Snoop Dogg lyrics, did Elvis fake his death?

13. I Don't Think You'll be Going Back to the Fish Factory (0:47:47)

Ricky admits he knows what Karl was thinking with his Mowgli comment, and says Karl would relax him. The low aspirations of Family Fortunes contestants are discussed as well as Ian Moore, "Naturally". Ricky insults the Duchess of York and Steve claims he wrote Lady In Red. Song for the Lovers is early pre-gravely Tom Waits.


Steve: And did your Dad, like, while he was listening to you, did he like tap the nurse and go ‘can you get that twat off the air’?

Karl: It’s weird that they’ve only found ‘im, 'cause he’s the Tallest Man...

Ricky: …he’s written such brilliant classics with his lovely arse as – oh, why did I say that…

Karl: I woke up the other night, quite late, and I said to me girlfriend, I said, ‘How do you put a snake down?’

Steve: I wouldn’t expect ya to diss me. Or me black queen.

FBI (Steve): Elvis, it’s a good idea. I’m just wondering if there’s maybe something a little bit more…glamorous…for your death. I mean, you could take a bullet for the president.
Elvis (Ricky): Huh. Wot? And shit all over him?
FBI: No no no. There’d be no crap at all. No, you just…you could just take a bullet and…
Elvis: There has to be shit involved.


Starsailor - Poor Misguided Fool
Nirvana - Man Who Sold The World
Princess Superstar - Bad Babysitter
King Adora - Smoulder
The Streets - Let's Push Things Forward
Lostprophets - Fake Sound of Progress
Gomez - Shot Shot
Song For The Lovers: Jimmy Webb - If These Walls Could Speak
The Cure - Pictures of You
PJ Harvey - This Is Love
Hundred Reasons - If I Could
Hip-Hop Hooray: Dilated Peoples - Worst Comes To Worst
The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
Song For The Ladies: Tom Waits - Ol' 55


The story about an undead Bruce Lee working undercover as a Hong Kong cop was also told in Series Two of The Office. In the episode "Motivation," The IT guy Simon relays the story to a fascinated Gareth. Tim--in a sarcastic Ricky Gervais fashion--mocks the plausibility of the tale.

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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
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