13 April 2002

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Karl recounts his many near death experiences, has a suggestion for the Queen Mum's funeral and creates a new saying about cat food.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 13 April 2002/Transcript.

1. Stephen Mitchell (0:00:00)

Ricky and Stephen was interviewed in The Guardian about their favourite albums and Steve's name is wrong. In the interview Ricky says one of his favourite songs of all time is Bob Dylan's, "If You See Her Say Hello" which they misquote as "If You See a Sailor".

2. Win a Pint With Karl (0:02:46)

Ricky went out with Karl on Thursday and adventures happened. A competition could be Win a Pint with Karl. To show that anyone can do quotes, Karl's come up with a game of his own, where 2 are real and 1 is just made up by him. Karl's really getting into identifying fables.

3. Steve's Stunt (0:05:25)

Steve has been doing some acting, and this week has been doing his own stunts. He was petrified because he was wearing his glasses, which also impede him from both being in either a fight or a mosh pit. For the stunts, he's hoisted up in the air with a crane, terrified. Steve reads from the non-reassuring health and safety warning agreement, but Ricky says that stunt was nothing compared with just 3 random near-death experiences from Karl, all of which involve his stupidity. Karl says there's a 4th that involves cake.

4. Everyone Likes the Smell of Bacon (0:10:29)

Karl was out with Ricky and got to meet his mate Robin, about whom Ricky had made up a story about his having worms as a child, and his mother cured him by holding a piece of cheese by his anus so the worms would come out. Karl believed this, perhaps because of the story he knows of, where a man in the army had a worm and the doctor wrapped bacon around his head, "the thinnest part of the body", to lure the worm out. Steve is going to play a song from the Teachers 2 soundtrack, a show which Jane produced.

5. Mr Freeze (0:16:01)

Karl starts off recounting his most serious near-death experience. Karl's Mam and Karl's Dad would do the grocery shopping on Fridays, and Karl and his brother would be really excited and desperate by the time the food arrived. Karl had grabbed a Mr Freeze pop and knocked it back but it went down the wrong way. He was choking, but he was always choking (he thinks he has a small throat). Karl eventually fell to the ground, lips purple and eyes rolling into his head, and his dad came in and said it served him right for being greedy. His mam did the Heimlich Maneuver on him and he was all right. After that, Karl felt like a special person, and did 3 full days of school in a row. The next story is about Karl's paper round (the best job he'd ever had), where he'd get up at 4:30am so that he'd be done in time for Pink Panther at 5:30. On this particular bad winter day, Karl put on all his kit but Karl's mam had locked him in the house so he wouldn't go. So he climbed out of the bathroom window but he had so many layers on and his bag got caught on the window hook so he hung there, dangling. His dad came home from working nights and thought Karl was a burglar and shouted up at him, eventually helping him down with a big stick. A bonus story is about the time Karl tried to "kick his height". He thinks he'll die of cancer because he doesn't check his balls - he doesn't like the feel.

6. Good Luck Mr Croucher (0:27:20)

Karl picks up with his Neil Armstrong quote from last week. Karl is aware of loads of evidence that they didn't really walk on the moon. When Armstrong came back, he said, "Good luck, Mr Croucher", because of the time he overheard his neighbour shouting to her husband that she wouldn't perform oral sex on him until man walked on the moon. Steve has heard this story before but it's even more specific as "until the boy next door walks on the moon".

7. I'm Usin' Me Fables (0:31:40)

The first White Van Karl question is about David Beckham's broken foot; the second is about expensive apartments on ships. Karl's mam told him about one so big it had rough areas on it. Karl thinks the Thames is a waste of space and people should live on it. He heard about an ice cap that fell into the water, but is not concerned because it's just a big ice cube that will freeze up the water again. Karl compares this to ice cubes in a glass of Jack Daniels.

8. Why Not Put Her On a Trolley (0:37:38)

The next White Van Karl question is about the Queen Mum's funeral. There was a 12 hour estimated queue and Karl, Ricky, and Steve all have ideas for how to better manage that. Karl is genuine when he suggests they split up her body and people could pay respect to just one piece. Ricky thinks they could have 9 queues for the 9 hips she's had, and Steve proposes putting her on a trolley and wheeling her past everyone. Last question is about Elizabeth Hurley avoiding the press at Elton John's house, where Robbie Williams and others have gone before her. Karl thinks she's been doing too much lying low in the first place.

9. Shout Out (0:42:22)

A quite short link is cut off during which Steve thanks the emailers.

10. The Way I See It (0:42:48)

For the re-education of Karl, he's picked 2 that are real and he's made one up himself.
Quote 1: "Nothing is worth more than this day".
Quote 2: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow you've got to put with the rain."
Quote 3: "Cat food-- it stinks a bit--but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die."

11. Forrest Gump Was a Bit of a Nutter (0:45:44)

Ricky and Steve know Karl made up the 3rd quote, but Karl has a different meaning to what they thought - because you love something, you'll put up with something you dislike for it. Karl brings up Forrest Gump who also made up great quotes and says they'd take the mickey out of him, too. Ricky requests the listeners write down everything Karl says. Karl saw Ricky's salamander who spends all its time plotting how to get out. Some more nepotism this week as Steve plays his mate's band next. Ricky has a fridge-freezer for sale, 400 quid ONO.

12. In a Wheelie Bin (0:50:47)

Karl's dad took some "Forrest Gump people" to Blackpool in his cab. One of the kids was misbehaving so Karl's dad put him in a wheelie bin and left him there for an hour and a half. Another time, he had to take old women to the bingo hall in a mini bus, and on the way back they were giving him a hard time so he dropped them on the side of the road and they were stranded. Karl's father was subsequently sacked.


Ricky: Oh! Bob Drillboids. Flap on the Trap with 'Where's the Sailor Gone To?' With Ricky Gervais and Stevela Mitchlings!

Karl: If you're ever caught in the jungle, always carry some bit of danish.

Karl: I don't check my balls, I don't like the feel.

Karl: Cat food. It stinks a bit, but…if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.


  • The Dolly Parton quote that Karl provided became David Brent's closing line in the second series of The Office.


New Order - Here to Stay
Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
Elvis Costello - Alison
Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies?
I Am Kloot - To You
The Strokes - Hard To Explain
Free - My Brother Jake
Stereophonics - Vegas Two Times
Meats and Poultry - Nothing Ms. Jackson Mashup
The Shining - Quicksilver
The Flaming Lips - Race For The Prize
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
Blur - Universal
Fujiya & Miyagi - Rot
Song For The Ladies: Nick Drake - At the Chime of a City Clock

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...