04 May 2002

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

The Series Finale and listeners have been emailing in suggestions for Karl's Swap Shop, he's also put through his paces in his very own Room 101 and Ricky's upset at having no-one to annoy for four months.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 04 May 2002/Transcript.

1. The Queen Mum Used To Have A Right Mouth On Her (0:00:00)

Karl blasphemes and then recalls Steve and Ricky telling him stories about the Queen Mum swearing like a trooper, which was actually a joke, Karl didn't realise.

2. A Bronze Is Pointless (0:02:54)

The show won a bronze 'Entertainment Award' at the Sony Awards, but why did they bother? Karl compares getting a bronze to coming in last in a marathon. They then go on to discuss the Olympics, ridiculous trivia, Steve in the high jump and how disabled people constantly cheat and lie.

3. You Have The Hair Of A Chinaman (0:09:10)

Steve discusses winning a silver medal in the high jump at school, and what a weirdo he looked like back then, which seamlessly leads to a discussion of Karl's former hair, which, according to a railroad barber was like a Chinaman's.

Steve in a school photo wearing his PG Wodehouse inspired bow-tie, 1991.

4. Some Of My Favourite Adverts (0:15:13)

Ricky elaborately introduces some adverts.

5. Steve Merchant And His Boyfriend Karl (0:15:23)

Steve brings up the £200 he was paid for DJing at an Xfm gig, which he definitely WILL declare to the Inland Revenue, Ricky and Steve are the victims of Liquid News' shady editing of The Sony Awards coverage, at which Karl had to convince some fans he wasn't gay. Ricky recalls winding Karl up about being Steve's 'partner' and him and Steve then trick Karl into confessing his love for Jonathan Ross. Bender.

6. Room 102 (0:19:49)

Karl's Room 101 choices get underway, Steve thinks Ricky should be a permanent fixture in there, much like The Bible and The Complete Works of Shakespeare on Desert Island Discs. Karl's first choice is rich people who haven't earnt their money, or fat ankles, or girls who go to shoe shops. It's not that specific, but involves the reality show 'Young, Posh and Loaded'. His second choice is rudeness from supermarket employees, who don't say 'hello', 'goodbye' or 'that's our most popular bread'. Ricky agrees as politeness costs nothing, but he would not want to get into a full on chat with someone at the checkout.

7. Walk Like An Egypt Bloke (0:29:15)

Karl tells the story of lizards in Egypt that make holes in the sand in the desert. They hide in these holes but are in danger because a local Egypt bloke takes them out and uses them to make shoes. He says that scorpions also like to go into the holes and protect the lizards from the lizard hunter.

8. The Great Pilkoni (0:39:13)

The guys discuss Stars In Their Eyes and how no-one becomes famous due to it. Karl recalls a talent show where he dressed as a woman and danced and then done some magic.

9. Make A Necklace From Electrical Wire (0:48:50)

The gang run a competition to win a bag from the Sony's signed by many celebrities. In order to win this prize they have to offer Karl things that they think will enhance his life.

10. Your Belly Acids Don't Kill Hairs (0:56:56)

Karl chooses a book about urban legends and explains his choice by recounting the tale of a girl with a hairball the size of a rat in her stomach.

11. If You Wanna Know More About The Midget Themed Restaurant (0:60:54)

His last Room 101 entry and this one is holidays. He tells of a holiday where he and his girlfriend went to a restaurant that was run by midgets. Karl then says that one of them was chatting up Suzanne. Karl also hints that someone from Liverpool was partially responsible for his hatred of holidays but runs out of time before he can go into detail. As it is the last show of the series Karl gives a gift to Ricky and a gift to Steve. He gives Ricky a Mr. Ben's book of fables and Steve a book of chat-up lines.


Ricky: What's the Great Pilkoni going to do?

Karl: A hairdresser once said to me, "You’ve got the hair of a Chinaman."

Karl: And whilst the lizard’s having a kip, the scorpion says, "Tell ya what: I’ll do you a little deal…"

Steve: But Rick, you’re you're you're scared of all spiders, aren’t you? Even the little tiny ones that you find under the –
Ricky: I don’t like any spiders, yeah. I hate all –
Steve: Is your husband afraid of them as well, or…?


The Stone Roses - She Bangs the Drums
Neil Young - Heart of Gold
Athlete - Westside
Radiohead - Black Star
Sugarcubes - Hit
David Bowie - Rock 'n Roll With Me
New Order - Run
The Hives - Main Offender
Cat Stevens - Silent Sunlight
Tom McRae - End of the World News
Badly Drawn Boy - Once Around the Block
Matt Pond PA - Night's End
Suede - Stay Together
The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out


  • The bet Ricky placed on Chelsea to win 2-1 and Thierry Henry to score first, was for the FA Cup Final that took place the same day as this show. The bet was not successful, with Arsenal winning 2 - 0 thanks to goals from Ray Parlour and Freddie Ljungberg.
  • The winner of that year's London Marathon was Paula Radcliffe.

External Links

Walk Like An Egypt Bloke: a short film by Tweek
The Sony Awards Winners
The girl Karl puts into Room 101
Evidence of her fat ankle
Trade Secrets - The book Ricky gave Karl

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...