23 March 2002

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Xfm Series 1
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes


  1. 10 November 2001 (Transcript)
  2. 17 November 2001 (Transcript)
  3. 24 November 2001 (Transcript)
  4. 01 December 2001 (Transcript)
  5. 08 December 2001 (Transcript)
  6. 15 December 2001 (Transcript)
  7. 22 December 2001 (Transcript)
  8. 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1
  9. 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2
  10. 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3
  11. 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4
  12. 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5
  13. 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6
  14. 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7
  15. 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8
  16. 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9
  17. 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10
  18. 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11
  19. 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12
  20. 13 April 2002 (Transcript)
  21. 20 April 2002 (Transcript)
  22. 27 April 2002 (Transcript)
  23. 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 23 March 2002/Transcript.

1. Pop a Jumper On (0:00:00)

Introductions all around on a lovely Saturday, a bit chilly though, so wear a jumper or coat. Ricky suggests playing Adam Ant.

2. Nice to Meet You, Ken (0:01:44)

Ricky dances into dangerous turf with Adam Ant, but it's OK since he is professional. Karl hypothesises that reminding people not to say things causes them to say it, case and point, Aunt (Uncle) Hazel and her boyfriend the Ken Dodd look-a-like. Karl then has to explain her story. Hazel apparently lived in a haunted house with a dy- bike in the hall with pedals that went backwards on their own.

3. A Completely Spherical Head (0:06:33)

Ricky and Steve celebrate the best banter on the dial. Ricky announces that he is going to play some Simon and Garfunkel. He and Steve do not care about being trendy, though Steve claims he tries. Steve brings up his campaign to make the pipe fashionable again. Ricky dreams of fighting with a post-modern futuristic rebel force. Steve is suspicious about the world's oldest man/woman, who live in the same village. Karl mentions that he lived near a chemical plant, but the water back home was still better than that in London. Everyone starts insulting each other. Ricky notices the rotundness of Karl's head for the very 1st time.

4. Steve or the Chemical Brothers? (0:13:00)

Features are announced. Ricky thinks Karl should read Aesop's Fables, but Karl protests. Steve brings up the topic of raising Karl up by balloons (see 16 March 2002), but Karl protests. If it happened, Ricky would compere the event and Steve would scratch it up and DJ. Steve recalls being called "Lanky" on the tube. Karl would do "Jack the Knife" [sic] if he was on Stars in Their Eyes.

5. Rice Krispies and Space Dust (0:19:29)

White Van Karl begins: Karl recalls kids with beards and tattoos during secondary school. Karl gives finical advise to major corporations with his commerce experience of filling out a check, paying a bill, and having a trip to Kellogg's. Karl relates how he got mugged and gives a tip on what to do in the "eyes of danger"- act mental. Ricky prods Karl into realising why money is at airports. Karl gets back onto his Kellogg's trip anecdote and how the teacher became frantic after he sneaked off to work at Cordon Bleu. Karl then explains how he was sacked from Cordon Bleu - by getting stuck in a trolley in the middle of a puddle.

6. Higher! Higher! (0:28:29)

Johnny Mango phones in again, trying to get Karl to do the balloon thing. Ricky kicks off the Re-Education of Karl Pilkington: Winston Churchill, Karl's favourite profile so far. Karl recalls facts, detailing in Churchill vs. Hitler. Ricky attempts to explain how Churchill was coked up but needs verification. Churchill had a stroke.

7. That's the One With Fur (0:35:52)

Ricky is flooded with e-mails and calls confirming his cocaine fact. After some more chat, Ricky has to explain how they aren't on libelous grounds. Since Karl is stressed, Ricky decides to make next week's education easier. Rick recounts Karl's "trivia" on animals without ears: snakes, turtles, bumblebees (the one with fur). Ricky has to explain what a mammal is to Karl. Aesop's Fables are decided on for the topic of next week's education. Ricky recalls one about a dog looking into a lake with a bone in its mouth. Karl remembers one from his childhood about a boy who didn't like his old dog, but it saved his life (as seen in The World of Karl Pilkington. The moral is: don't forget the old. Steve "remembers" hearing one about a boy in the middle lake with trainers on who refused to leave his cage and drown.

8. Don't Trust Bears (0:44:12)

Ricky defends his treatment of Karl. Karl however is uninterested in Aesop's Fables; he wanted an animal fact book. Ricky starts remembering more fables. First up is Hares vs. Lions. Ricky has to dumb it down for Karl, who then manages to understand it. Karl thinks the book version of the fable is rubbish. Next Steve recalls the one with a lion with a thorn in it's hoof. Steve tells another on where a scorpion "helps" a bear. Karl thought the scorpion was up to more and remains unimpressed. Ricky tells another about a dying lion with animals taking the piss out of it. Karl is baffled by the constant use of animals. Finally, Karl makes a weak attempt at telling the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

9. Not Here to Stay (0:51:15)

Johnny Mango e-mails in some more facts about animals including some on pigs, dolphins, polar bears, lions, and cockroaches. Ricky adds his knowledge onto the trivia heap. Ricky wraps things up with a bit of easy listening.


Karl: I went down to Kelloggs, saw me sisters boyfriend there at the time, he sorted me out with some variety packs.

Karl: I nearly got mugged, but I tried this technique of acting a bit mental.

Ricky: Staaand and deliver / Oy yoy / money or your life! (baggadiggadaggadigga) Hwah!

Steve: Hitler, a bit mental? That could be libelous.

Karl: Yeah, we'll do that, Lanky.


Richard X vs. Sugababes - Are Freaks Electric (Freak Like Me) Listen
Badly Drawn Boy - Silent Sigh
The La's - There She Goes
Simon And Garfunkel - America
The Strokes - Last Nite
X-Press 2 Ft. David Byrne - Lazy
The Electric Soft Parade - There's A Silence
Gomez - Shot Shot
Pete Yorn - For Nancy ('Cos It Already Is)
Starsailor - Poor Miguided Fool
The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So
Hip-Hop Hooray: N*E*R*D - Things Are Getting Better
New Order - Here To Stay
Bread - Make It With You

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...