18 January 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Ricky investigates the effects of blunt objects on the skull, Stephen's feelings are hurt and Karl explores his sexuality.
NB: The available recording of this show is incomplete: it does not include the link in which Karl originally gives out the Rockbusters clues.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 18 January 2003/Transcript.

1. I've Done Very Little Preparation (0:00:00)

Ricky starts off the show with a confession. People listen to the show just for Karl. Ricky's not been on a bus in 12 years and doesn't know what the fare is. A guy on the tube said to Steve that Ricky seems a bit obnoxious.

2. That Experiment I Was Doing (0:02:59)

Ricky was hitting Karl on the head with a tin tray. Ricky brings up Time Out magazine and the topic of browsing a telephone directory. There are 42 pages of Macs in the Edinburgh directory according to Karl, who counted while he was bored and finished with the free shortbreads. Ricky and Steve ponder the old caretaker in Karl's head. Karl's got another good monkey story and intros the features to come. Karl can't find anything interesting to teach Ricky about space, because there's nothing there (like the Millenium Dome). Doesn't Ricky want to know how a lung works? Karl knows how a microwave works.

3. Tell Us About This Monkey, Karl (0:09:40)

Karl's got a story about a monkey who ends up acting like the zoo worker he's staying with, eventually trying it on with the zookeeper's wife.

4. One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater (0:14:48)

Karl can't remember a song he liked as a kid and listeners call in to sputter out word fragments in assistance. Steve reads off the Rockbusters prizes, inevitably the usual tat which includes an old Only Fools and Horses video, an air guitar compilation, and a Dr Who "Aztecs" episode. Steve looks just like the ideal Dr Who fan.

'The Ultimate Doctor Who fan'

5. A Huge Crush on Darius Danesh (0:21:32)

A woman has called in who thinks Steve is arrogant, but he just thinks he's mean, objectionable, and nasty. Emailers want more White Van Karl but it's too political so Steve has an article from Dear Deidre for Karl. A 42 year old woman feels guilty about having sex with her husband 5x in the last 24 hours whilst being turned on by Darius, as opposed to her husband's new mustache as he thinks it is. Ricky and Steve try to get Karl to say something sexy in case listeners are turned on by him, but he doesn't really do that. Karl's advice is "just treat 'em". Suzanne is bored with her Christmas present. What would Karl do if he were impotent? It wouldn't bother him anymore.

6. No One Might Be Listening (0:28:18)

The email's not working. Karl's got some medical information for Ricky this week, called Colon Then, Educate Me. Brain surgery involves being awake, and like barbers, like to make you feel daft.

7. The Doctor Said I Was Gonna Die (0:33:26)

Karl recounts the tale of eating old donuts and Congress Tarts from the bakery his mam worked at. Everybody at his school used to go there and then spend their dinner money on the arcade. One day he got so sick he had his mam have the doctor come 'round, who said he'd not got long left. Ricky's pretty sure it was sarcasm, but Steve can't believe his mam just let the doctor go after that. The 2nd segment of Colon Then is about a woman whose buttock tumour turned out to be a pork chop.

8. Mad World Though, Innit! (0:39:15)

Everyone's getting the last Rockbusters clue (which we haven't heard given out) wrong, so Ricky and Steve make Karl give it out again. It's time for Do We Need 'Em?, today featuring cockroaches with Jessica Marshall, who works in the good museum near Knightsbridge. She disputes most of the information Karl has gathered, namely that they have 18 knees, and that they can hold their breath for 40 minutes, but affirms that they can leave for a week without "an 'ead". Karl needs to use better sources.

9. FD (0:45:41)

Uh-oh ... Karl's been giving out the wrong initials for one of the Rockbusters clues. He doesn't write the answers down in case Ricky cheats. Bollocksed again.


Ricky: I love that it's still listed as either "Ricky Gervais" or "Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant".
Steve: Essentially we don't need to be here, really.

Ricky: This is no longer an entertainment show! This is three people, chattin' to each other .. sometimes we remember it's goin' out, sometimes we just take a call for our own amusement ...

Karl: Suzanne says to me, 'Do you love me?' - I go, 'Yeah, you're all right'.

Karl: (on a tumour on a woman's backside) It only turns out it's a pork chop that she sat on, five years earlier and it had stuck to her buttock.
Ricky: Right, Karl ...
Karl: I can forward you - no listen ... serious...
Ricky: ... I'm telling you Karl, I'm leavin'. I am never doing this show again.

Karl: (on cockroaches living without a head for a week) Why, when it was invented, has it got that facility?

Ricky: It's better not to try, than to try your hardest and be rubbish! ... Think of that! You're not even reaching your standards!


I've got 3 other jumpers like this one. F.T.
That bunch of people can't make up their minds if they want to sit in the sun or not. C.
The Jamaican fella had to have some aspirin. Why? F.P.


The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It remixed by Fat Boy Slim
Suede - Animal Nitrate
Oasis - Song Bird
Feeder - Just the Way I'm Feelin'
Bob Dylan - Positively 4th Street
Bruce Springsteen - Lonesome Day
Supergrass - Seen the Light
David Bowie - Lady Stardust
Doves - Caught by the River
Syntax - Pray
The Cure - Lovesong
Song For The Ladies: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - He Wants You


More information on congress tarts can be found on the forum: Congress Tart Thread #1 and Congress Tart Thread #2

Karl mistakenly introduces the Do We Need 'Em? expert Judith Marshall as Jessica.

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