14 June 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Much to the annoyance of Ricky and Steve, Karl is leaving early today as he's going on holiday with his Mam and Dad to Cornwall to visit the Monkey World there.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 14 June 2003/Transcript.

1. It's All Going Well Already (0:00:00)

The show kicks off in a typically professional manner. Ricky and Steve are amused at a bewildered Karl who's headphones are turned up too loud. Seeing Karl giggle has prompted Ricky to read an e-mail in which a listener claims to never have heard Karl laugh.

2. Well, eh, There's A Monkey World Down There... (0:01:44)

With things calmed down, Ricky and Steve enquire about Karl's upcoming holiday to Cornwall. Ricky thinks Karl doesn't care about his work because of the number of holidays and "sick" days he takes. According to Ricky and Steve, Karl only cares about Manchester United and moaning. Karl disagrees claiming he doesn't moan that much but certain things do get on his nerves(such as Steve bringing in a Hip-Hop track that needs to edited before it can be played on air), an argument ensues. Karl looks forward to the trip to Monkey World, Cornwall. Karl runs through the features coming up in the show. There is some concern about Cheeky Freak of the Week, as usual.

3. Steal Or Go To Heaven? (0:05:53)

Ricky's gutted! After returning home from a photo-shoot he realised that the 400 pounds in expenses he'd claimed back was missing. Ricky believes that if the shoe was on the other foot, and he had found a substantial amount of money on the street he would definitely turn it in. Steve disagrees and tells Ricky and Karl two anecdotes based around a similar topic. Steve recalls finding some money when he was younger and returning it to its owner, however, contrary to what he was told by his mum, he received no reward. Many years later, he rectified this injustice by robbing 30 pounds from a cashpoint. Karl said he'd do the same except he'd only take 20 pounds. Ricky is shocked. Yet another argument between Karl and Steve ensues.

4. I'll Be Using This After Masturbation (0:13:02)

Ricky and Steve discuss a news story about a "wife who insured her beauty". The wife's beauty is judged by a panel of builders. Ricky and Steve agree on one thing, "wife" is not a normal word. They find it weird and suggest people just say the woman's name. Ricky also doesn't like 'Wet ones', 'Toilet Duck' or 'Snickers'. Steve reveals that he is always embarrassed when buying toilet paper.

5. Rockbusters Clues and Prizes (0:17:00)

Time for Rockbusters. This week sees the return of "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World Ever Vol. 2" to the collection of rubbish prizes. Karl's gran may have gone to see Dr. Harold Shipman... time for ads.

6. So You Think It Was Inter-Flora Behind The Hit (0:21:07)

Karl is more generous than it would appear, as he is paying for the cottage he and his dad are going to, however it is not a Father's Day present, just happens to be on the same day. Karl does not buy into the idea of Father's Day nor does Ricky as he feels it is just an invention of the card companies. This reminds Karl of a theory put forward by his father, who feels that the flower companies(and potentially Elton John) were involved in the murder of Diana Princess Of Wales. Ricky almost swears in shock. The three discuss the Toblerone and how it is only ever given as a novelty gift, as well as the danger of cigarettes. Ricky and Steve ponder the homeless/poor/immigrant vendors who sell novelties on the high street. Ricky apologizes for offending listeners, Karl comes up with a great way of stopping people from becoming obese.

7. You're Seven Years Pregnant (0:28:43)

Is Karl for real? Yes! Ricky dismisses claims that Karl is another "Gareth Keenan". Ricky goes over the origins of Karl for the non-believers. Ricky phones Karl with an interesting fact about gazelles but Karl is unimpressed; he is more impressed with another baby who's had a baby...

8. I Can't Wait For The Actual Freak Of The Week (0:33:46)

Ricky eats his words. Sort of. Apparently doctors have removed a still born child from the body of his twin. That's the free Freak of the week. Karl mentions a TV show about a little fella who discovered a Viking who was like him called Harry the Boneless. Karl asked Suzanne if you could have your bones taken out. A listener dreams of Karl, which inspires Steve and Ricky to discuss anxiety dreams. Steve remembers when Ricky injured himself before filming the pilot of The Office.

9. Our MONKEY Tune (0:41:43)

Karl feels there's been too much freak talk, so Cheeky Freak Of The Week is put off until later. Karl isn't as concerned about offending freaks as he feels working with Steve gives him a pass. Steve is confused about the term "mentally handicapped". Time for Monkey News, and this week it's a sad story about a monkey businessman who went to Russia and ended up homeless.

10. Cheeky Freak Of The Week (0:48:46)

Karl wants to get Rockbusters out of the way so he can post off the prizes before he goes to Cornwall. Ricky is annoyed at Karl's unprofessional-ism. Listeners have e-mailed in to agree with Steve, dissing Karl and Rockbusters. Finally Karl gets around to doing Cheeky Freak Of The Week this time its about the weirdest couple ever married, a lizard man and the hairiest woman ever. As usual, the morality of the feature is brought into question. Karl leaves to catch his train.

11. The Mayor Is Probably An Animal (0:57:56)

Ricky and Steve see this as an opportunity to prove they don't need Karl. Karl will probably love Cornwall as its a freaky place where he would be hailed King! Ricky and Steve encourage listeners to SPAM Karl's e-mail and voicemail while he's away. They finish the show successfully, Karl is no longer needed.


Ricky: Look at his little face!

Ricky: We were trying to work out what you enjoy doing and we got to Manchester United.. and moaning.

Karl: (With reference to Cornwall) Well, eh, there's a Monkey World down there... probably go twice to that.

Steve: Your dad'll be lookin' forward to this holiday, what's he gonna be nickin' down there...
Ricky: Tin! There's a lot of tin down in Cornwall.

Ricky: That Method Man, if he doesn't stop "effin' and jeffin'" it's the end of his career, all this "eff' that" and "yo jeff, I'm a jeff' meself".

Steve: I got nothin'! I got maybe a little 'Thank You' note or somethin' but no cash, no moolah!

Ricky: Did you feel a slight bulge in your trousers when you saw how much was in the account?

Karl: Service charge included.

Ricky: Steve, have you ever splashed out on a lady?
Steve: No, but I hope to some day, the right lady...
Ricky: ... play a record.

Ricky: (Manc Accent) You know who killed Diana don't you? Flower companies, son... Yeah, alright, right Dad you're not wrong...

Karl: What about a picture of Rik Waller on the bargain bucket.

Karl: It's been mad in the Freak World.

Ricky: Again, I'd like to apologize for the Lady Diana stuff, the term "mentally handicapped" and any inadvertent racism.
Steve: What is the term? Is it retarded?

Karl: We've done a lot of stuff on monkeys and most of it...
Ricky: ..iiiis bollocks.

Steve: This is from... supposedly reputable news website Ananova.com.

Karl: It's about the weirdest couple that ever got married.
Ricky: And we've already had two pairs of chimps!!
Steve: Was it your parents?


He's got American coins all down his spine. N.
Jeremy Beadle's got a little bit of arthritis. SLF.
Foxy, Shipman, and a Country-and-Western singer are on a merry-go-round. S.D.


The TV show Karl referenced in this episode was Nabil Shaban's "In the Footsteps of Ivarr the Boneless".


The Darkness - Growing On Me
Bauhaus - Ziggy Stardust
British Sea Power - Carrion
Blur - Out Of Time
Elvis Costello - Alison
Placebo - This Picture
Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Universally Speaking
Simon and Garfunkel - America
Nick Cave - He Wants You
Kings Of Leon - Red Morning Light
Kirsty MacColl - New England
Cat Stevens - Lily White

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...