28 June 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Track Listing

1. Already They've Had An Argument (0:00:00)

More praise of The Darkness. Karl and Steve are rowing about an album Karl couldn't get for Steve. Email in if you know the REM song that includes "Mulholland Drive" and "Steve McQueen".

2. For Someone Who's Major (0:02:48)

Ricky's got his song answer. It was his birthday in the week and Karl's got him a chair massager and electronic bongos. Steve's not gotten Ricky a gift 'cause it's a little bit gay, which dumbfounds Karl a bit.

3. A Real Bow and Arrow (0:05:23)

Jane's got Ricky another gift he loves. Karl had a rifle as a kid. Ricky embarrassed Karl at a restaurant where they bumped into Ross Kemp. If Karl had hair, what would they talk about? More Karl vs. Steve. Karl is not a producer! Heat called Karl a bald Manc.

4. It Is Boring In Hotel Rooms (0:09:25)

Jonathan Ross once shaved his arse in a hotel room, but Karl once counted how many Macs lived in Edinburgh according to the phone book. Suzanne isn't allowed to touch Karl's arse (because "it's a bit gay, innit".) Arse puns, conjecture about Jonathan's experience and Karl's sexuality.

5. One of the Many Perks of Having Three Legs (0:15:30)

I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Jonathan Ross agrees with Karl's estimation of The Elephant Man. A woman in India with 3 legs and 7 toes, and Karl makes a proper joke (sort of). Rockbusters and Monkey News were meant to be killed off but there was an uproar. Rockbusters is getting yet another chance and Steve reads the prizes.

6. Eight Standing Orders (0:20:13)

Oxford Street is like running the gauntlet. Steve dislikes tourists and Ricky wants to put some carpet down. Steve rants about mini-cab drivers on mobiles and ones without maps or torches. Karl's sick of living in London. Karl on Carnaby Street chatting to a man about learning how to breathe, and Selfridges giving out glasses of water. Rockbusters clues.

7. Monkeys and Arses (0:27:05)

Rocktastic. Lots of emails about shaving your arse. Ricky's been to the zoo and spotted some monkeys sniffing each other's arses. Some animals don't get a look in at the zoo. Ricky wants an owl. Maggie the Magpie. One of Ricky's sexual peccadilloes is to squeeze Karl's head. Suzanne does Save the Children, and Karl treats the homeless (sometimes to Diet Coke). Karl gets sick of problems abroad. Bob Geldof used to work at Xfm.

8. I Survived a 200 Pound Tumour (0:35:08)

Steve saw a homeless guy in the week checking out digital TV packages in Dixon's, and Ricky gets recognised by them. Homelessness is the worst thing outside health. Steve queries a quite disgusting TV special. Karl doesn't like going to the doctor, or going behind the curtain to take your clothes off. Would Karl go to a gay doctor? Karl's heard that gay people may be getting their own toilets.

9. These Are Really Your Listeners, Karl (0:42:05)

Karl's not ready for Cheeky Freak. The 200 pound tumour was removed by a wheelbarrow and Karl thought that meant she carried it around. The listeners are well into these topics. Cheeky Freak of the Week is a little kid with four eyes, two noses, and two mouths. What would that be like. Silence. Another Cheeky Freak is the smallest man in the world, leaning on an apple. Ricky and Steve are livid.

10. Are You On Drugs, Or Did I Actually Crack Your Head (0:49:02)

Rockbusters answers. Don't rush Karl lest he look stupid. Ricky gives Rockbusters a reprieve, and Dave Suckling gets the prizes.

11. Run By a Couple of Chimps (0:53:07)

Bongos introduce this week's Monkey News, which is about an Ohio monkey spa with a difference. The problem is the monkeys aren't married and what will happen with the business when the male dies? Steve rips up the paper Karl's reading from.


The doctor said part of the foot and the leg was no good, so he took them off and threw them away. T.B.
The Scottish monster has got a bit of a tan. T.D.
Well, the '60s singer had a heart attack while he was havin' it away; we won't be seein' him again. F.N.M.


Karl: Is there anyone else that you look like, Steve, or would you say you're a bit of a one-off?

Steve: I was wondering whether we might not do a quiz at all, rather than have that rubbish. Might be better to have nothing. Might be better just to have silence during that part of the show, than to have Rockbusters.

Karl: You know I'm sick of livin' here.
Ricky: When you say here, you mean the world, don't ya.

Karl: This has got a bit heavy. Can we do Cheeky Freak of the Week?


The Darkness - Growing on Me
Radiohead - Bones
Blur - Crazy Beat
Rolling Stones - Miss You
Athlete - Westside
50 Cent - 21 Questions
R.E.M. - Electrolyte
Evanescence - Bring Me to Life
Jane's Addiction - Just Because
Neil Young - My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue)
Turin Brakes - Painkiller
Placebo - This Picture
Oasis - Supersonic
Bruce Springsteen - Atlantic City
Tim Buckley - Wings

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...