19 July 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Track Listing

1. A Crime of Passion (0:00:00)

Karl has a breakdown last week, but blames the circumstances. Did Bobby Davro or Les Dennis let their troubles get to them? No one's ever heard Karl laugh. Karl's got his new kitchen now. Ricky and Steve will give up if Karl gives up, but that annoys Karl.

2. Builder's Been Annoying Me (0:04:40)

Ricky and Steve will be leaving to film The Office specials and Ricky suggests that they not return if Karl doesn't. Other stations have approached them. Ricky has a passion to get the Xfm listeners into double figures. Karl's builder asks about the pub across the road. Karl's slagging them off while his kitchen radio is tuned to Xfm.

3. Mates Are a Hassle (0:08:50)

Karl's accepting the fact that the builder might be listening. In Karl's last flat, the builders woke him up at 7:30 but when he went back to check on them, they were having a Starbucks. Karl mentions that the builder today is tiling. He tried to catch the builder out today, and has hidden all his and Suzanne's valuables. Ricky and Steve have some suggestions for how the builder might respond. Karl doesn't like friends. Twenty thousand people are turning up for Nelson Mandela's party, and Karl's glad he's not him. A file would be in his cake, and maybe they're the only 3 people who've never met him.

4. Come on Maude, Let's Go to the JCR! (0:14:11)

Steve tells an anecdote about his first few months at university, in which he owned a pair of size 14 Doctor Martens and the cleaning lady clomped around in them while he was out to make people laugh. Ricky went bowling with Steve once, and the bowling shoes looked like Krusty the Clown's. Karl references the Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe. Songs of Phrase prizes this week includes the Fast Food Rockers, The Best of Inspiral Carpets, and Stephen King's Rose Red. Daddy's Never Gonna Stop Robbin' From Telephone Box.

6. London's Heart 106.2 (0:20:50)

Ricky and Steve recently bumped into Suzanne at the BBC. What does she think of them, really? She likes everybody, which annoys Karl. One of her mates had a baby and Karl wasn't interested in seeing it. They listen to the show. This tin pot station doesn't keep Ricky in Frappuccinos. The listeners don't care if Ricky and Steve leave. What is Virgin Radio's frequency?

6. The Reason I've Not Kept in Touch is Because I Don't Really Like You (0:26:42)

Radio 1 is also a good station, but Ricky and Steve got fired from there for slagging off Simon Mayo. Karl makes a proper jokey retort. Worse than making new friends is when old acquaintances turn up. Steve pretends he knows who they are, and Ricky looks for clues to remember. Steve ran into one recently who couldn't take the hint that he wasn't interested. Do not contact Ricky or Steve if you are an old mate of theirs, unless you have won 4 BAFTAs. Nothing gets lost in the post.

7. I Think My New TV is Too Big, Rick (0:32:14)

Steve has a new plasma screen television which is 42" big, but he can't get far enough back from it. You're meant to be four times away from it, which Karl can't understand. Are you supposed to tip delivery men? It took 3 hours for Steve to wire it in, and David Dickinson's tan almost took his eyeballs out. Films and 24 are worth watching on it. Karl just has the 5 channels and is not impressed with television. He most recently watched Wimbledon and saw little fellas in a wheelchair having a game, which he doesn't think should have been on the telly. The Paralympics entertainment this year was provided by Riverdance, which sends Ricky into silent hysterics.

The shop around the corner from Great Portland St

8. Knob - Bollock - Finger Up Arse (0:38:38)

Karl doesn't want people to think they're having a go, because he has to deal with the clean-up when they do. One of Ricky's friends thought it was short for Paraplegic Olympics. Steve asks why Karl went to Hastings but confuses him with the word "arbitrary". What's the equivalent of control-alt-delete for Karl? Steve kisses Karl. What happened to Chris Moyles' show? Steve has a theory. Hastings is all right; no one goes there, it has a pebble beach, and Karl doesn't know how they get by due to their limited exports and lack of places to buy Brillo pads. Shops that specialise: chess pieces, cushion foam, chef uniforms, and antique marionettes. Songs of Phrase played again.

9. Who Do You Hate (0:47:14)

Ricky would be great on any other station. Steve wants to apologise for slagging off Chris Moyles, and suggests a great new feature, so email in! Songs of Phrase once more; Ricky's mad that they're not written down and Steve stopped checking the emails long ago. Does Stargate SG-1 feature the same as their Richard Anderson? All the builders Karl's ever met annoy him. He's also annoyed by Lenny at Xfm who proposed to his missus on-air. Ricky hates dictators and Steve hates famine and disease.

10. I Haven't Heard About a Chimp Winning the Olympics (0:54:05)

Monkey News this week is from the 1908 London Olympics in which a hairy runner was given many opportunities before being found out. Ricky is going to try for a decent station and will take Steve with him. He has a go at a proper link to prove he can.


Karl: Come to think about it, he's probably listening now.
Ricky: Naw, if he's got any sense, he probably turned it to Heart or Virgin or Magic or summat, but, you know,
Steve: Good advice to the listeners!

Karl: When they were coming in last week, I brought the biscuits to work. Suzanne was like, no wonder you've got no mates .. it's was just a packet of good quality cookies.

Steve: (on Chris Moyles's short-lived TV show) Turns out he was too fat and talentless.

Karl: I'm honest with 'em though. I just say, 'I don't know who you are, can't remember ya, not bothered'.

Karl: There wasn't a rally going on! Normally, with some of the other players, they're playing for ages. None of that. It was just like, 'Hit it, net'. I just thought, 'Give 'em a game of swingball or something'.

Ricky: Do you know who I hate, Steve? My top three would be Hitler, Mussolini, and General Pinochet.
Steve: Really?
Ricky: Naw, probably Moylesie, Harry Potter, and Jamie Oliver.

Steve: ... and I think that was originally recorded for er, BBC Radio 1. That's a good station.
Ricky: Bloody good station
Steve: That's a good station. If they're interested-
Ricky: Radio One. It's like one of the...
Steve: I think they pay quite well as well
Ricky: Well, I enjoyed working for them
Steve: I know we used to work for them for a period of time
Ricky: Until we got fired for slagging off...
Steve: ..Simon Mayo
Ricky: I think it was Simon Mayo. Do you remember that?
Steve: Can't quite remember it
Ricky: Well, er we used to do this thing - Mary-Anne Hobbes at night, and erm, we s.. we were getting a bit busy and we were constandly handing in shoddier and shoddier work. Right, we used to have it on DAT and hand it in to her.
Steve: A theme, there
Ricky: A theme, I know, yeah. And to the point where they're going "Ooh, yeah". And every other week they go "We couldn't put it out". "Why?". "Well, because it was the most offensive...", or "it was inaudible", or "it was twaddle", or "you didn't record it", y'know there was things like that that there... And then the - the erm, I think the er... the straw that broke the camel's back was erm, Simon Mayo had just broken the world - Guiness World Record for DJing, er, and we were going "Oh, that's brilliant, yeah, in an air-conditioned studio with loads of scrotes gettin' cappucinos for him. That's not work, our dad used to bin walls - er, build walls, y'know. That's work, not sitting down. If he wants to break a record for work...", and we went off saying things like "I - I know (laughs) - we know birds who do lezzer stuff to feed their smack addiction".
Steve: Yeah
Ricky: "That's worse, I wanna see Mayo on his knees outside McDonalds, giving a rent boy a blowjob", and all this sort of stuff
Steve: "I wanna see him hanging up, in some kind of leather strap-"
Ricky: "-in an Amsterdam torture garden, with 13 blokes jizzing on him, all with beards".
Karl: Yeah yeah yeah, but why... why aren't you still there?

Steve: So I was trying, y'kno working hard to try and seem kind of cool and uh, not freakish.

Steve: You know what I hate? Famine. It winds me right up. Famine and disease, grr! Get so annoyed with it.

Songs of Phrase

Daddy Never Gonna Stop Robbin' From Telephone Box

Boney M - "Daddy Cool" (Daddy)
Rick Astley - "Never Gonna Give You Up" (never gonna)
Sam Brown - "Stop" (stop)
Simon & Garfunkel - "Mrs Robinson" (robbin')
Matt Monro - "From Russia With Love" (from)
Blondie - "Hangin' On The Telephone" (telephone)
Living In A Box - "Living In A Box" (box.)


  • Steve's Doc Martens anecdote was also told in the first post-Capital Xfm show we have recorded, but in a segment which our incomplete recording does not include.
  • Steve's real-life "I bought a telly that's too big" anecdote made its way into his Darren Lamb character in Extras Series 2, Episode 3. Steve's TV was 42" and cost £3500 and Darren's was 52" at the same price.


Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - Breakdown
Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
Bruce Springsteen - Lonesome Day
Starsailor - Silence is Easy
Eminem - Business
Ride - Time of Her Time (Mark Goodier session)
The Darkness - Love Is Only A Feeling
The Cardigans - You're the Storm
XTC - Making Plans for Nigel
The Thrills - Santa Cruz (Live)
Libertines - Don't Look Back Into The Sun
Wilco - I'm the Man Who Loves You
Evan Dando - All My Life
Devo - Mongoloid

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...