25 January 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Stephen is nominated for a 'Most Eligible Bachelor' award, and early Monkey News is born, called 'Chimpanzee That!'

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 25 January 2003/Transcript.

1. There Was This Woman Who's Got a Big Head (0:00:00)

Ricky intros the show, including that Karl is fed up with Do We Need 'Em? and giving that up. Ricky's got a new feature idea in which people will call up and have Karl solve their problems. Ricky and Steve give Karl stick for last week's Rockbusters snafu, and Ricky's got some fictional scenarios for Karl to solve, both of which involve stuck penises. Karl's used to freaks, and they reminisce once again about the two lads with big heads and webbed hands. Karl's read about a woman whose head was so big she couldn't hold it up, so the doctors took it off to chip off some bone, then put it back on.

2. It's Like an Investment (0:05:55)

Call in with issues for Karl to solve, but not issues about war. He does have some advice about war, though, involving a bath and a mattress. Karl's dad doesn't like to be ripped off and is charging storage rent on a catalogue he's been sent from the company he bought a bed from. '

3. All I'm Gonna Win is a Moped (0:10:58)

Ricky was a latecomer to Nick Cave. Steve's got some exciting news, but before that, more Karl vs. Steve banter. He's been nominated as one of the 50 Most Eligible Bachelors in Company Magazine, fulfilling an earlier fantasy of his. He's angry that his prize won't be as good as whoever won last year. Ricky is incredulous.

4. Chuckin' a Stone in the Air (0:15:07)

Ricky's got a new idea for a feature with Karl called Chimpanzee That. In the meantime, email in with problems for Karl to solve. How would Karl deal with teenage tearaways? Karl's got a story about when he broke a car window and pretended to go to sleep to avoid getting caught, and also avoided his dad for fear of punishment. Then he shares about one night as a kid when his brother had a load of women around and Karl got to keep his tractor in the house to stay out of their way. Karl's parents had to move because girls kept claiming Mark was the father of their children.

5. Rodney You Plonker! (0:22:16)

It's time for Rockbusters and it's a roll-over prize week, but Karl hasn't added much. Ricky's sets him off on his atrocious but legendary Only Fools and Horses role plays. Sort of.

6. You are Here for Ricky Gervais' Amusement (0:25:52)

Ricky's made Karl a bishop's hat out of a cardboard box and a wig out of bubble wrap during the songs. Ricky's got a jingle for the new feature and Karl's got a story about a monkey who got caught having a fag who got sent to prison. Karl has stumped people with Rockbusters.

7. Don't Worry About Dancing - Get a Go Kart (0:30:41)

Karl reckons there is more going on in space than just us. He's was thinking in the week: will the world ever get too heavy, with all the stuff we add to it? (A question which comes up again later). Steve and Ricky recount their version of the Legend of Atlantis for Karl, and Ricky's got a solution to the heavy world problem. Listener Jay writes in for help: he wants to be a dancer but his parents are trying to marry him off and keep him in school. Karl's OK with arranged marriage and used to want to be a dancer himself but got over it. Ricky is driven to frustration in learning the full story of Karl's pathetic attempt at this as a kid.

8. It Depends What You Get Impressed By (0:36:54)

Ricky's got another new idea, which is something like They Think They're Good But They're Not That Good. Karl's not impressed by da Vinci because Tony Hart can paint an "aborigian" and an elephant in 3 minutes. He gives his (brief) thoughts on Newton, Gandhi, Brunel, Christ, and Richard Branson. Stephen manages to say "you know" 7 times in 20 seconds while explaining Gandhi. Suzanne wants to see the pyramids but Karl can't be bothered. He just likes the odd little thing, like (incorrectly) learning the origin of name of "Lego".

9. Too Many Dinosaurs (0:42:23)

One listener wants to know where Richard Anderson is, and another has a fetish for how Ricky says Winnersh. More Lego chat including the proper etymology. Does Karl think it's OK for a tall woman to date a "little fella"? Karl's got a correction from last week as he got the museum worker's name wrong but he can't remember her real name now. There have been very few right answers this week to Rockbusters.

10. Just Stay Sat Down (0:49:30)

Outros and one final request from Steve for the ladies to vote for him in the Eligible Bachelor contest. Karl thinks Steve's sorted himself out a bit since they first met, but does have one piece of advice for him. Ricky and Steve take issue with all 3 Rockbusters answers and threaten to bin all the features. Song For The Ladies to close is Beth Gibbons.


Ricky: What about Einstein? And this is what [Karl] said, 'Again, I've never needed MC squared in my life. The fella who invented the video, I watch one a day'.

Ricky: Karl does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the manag--
Steve: --of anybody else in the world.

Ricky: Even our listeners know you're talkin' rubbish, and some of those aren't allowed to wear socks!


The weather stinks, dunnit? R.
Look Gran, just get on the boat and help us out. R.
If you're gonna do that with your drink, I'd let it settle a bit before you open it. C.K.


Feeder - Just the Way I'm Feelin'
The Smiths - Ask
Nick Cave - Bring It On
AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long
Turin Brakes - Pain Killer (Summer Rain)
The Sugarcubes - Hit
Eminem - Sing for the Moment
David Bowie - Life on Mars?
Gene - Truth Rest Your Head
The Beatles - Helter Skelter
Thin Lizzy - The Boys are Back in Town
Gravediggaz - 1-800-suicide
Song For The Ladies: Beth Gibbons and Rustin Man - Tom the Model

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...