26 July 2003
1. We've Done Smut, We've Done Innuendo ... (0:00:00)
Maybe some Neil Yunge. Big 'em up. The "Who Do You Hate" list continues. Mass murderers and politicans? What's the difference? (Ooh, satire). When you email in, send them a lottery ticket. Ricky reads off the list so far and is annoyed by Davina McCall and her "Big Mother" t-shirt. Graham Norton is just approaching from behind. If any of the producers of Carry On London are listening ... Karl, press the knob to start the record "Spunk".
Ricky wishes Tony Blair would stop doing stuff wrong. Pete Mandelson is good because he's gay. Ricky likes foreigners and all the mad shit they get up to. EuroDisney is good. Ricky's favourite country is Africa.
3. How Does Chinese Work? (0:05:36)
The Holy Trinity. Steve has an important question about language and Ricky thinks it's a speech impediment. Germans at least try. The main dialect of Chinese is Gobbledygook. Steve would like to speak to a Chinaman, or a Chinamanwoman - someone who is a professor or who works in a chip shop, but someone who was born in Chinaland. Chinatown Is Not A Town. You cannot scrute a Chinaman. Call in if you can teach Ricky and Steve the basics of Chinese.
4. Just An Old Fat Guy With a Beard (0:09:25)
No one is calling up about Chinese. Benny Hill could speak some Chinese, which is enough to get you by in Peking. Karl's still struggling with English. People are emailing in about Karl not leaving. Someone wanted to bring back Cheeky Freak of the Week but Karl's not allowed. Ricky wants him to do his story about a fella born with two dicks. Ricky did a photo shoot at a zoo this week and an orangutan there had escaped, but Karl was not impressed. Karl's thoughts on the anteater. Steve does not understand the appeal of Madame Tussaud's. Looky-likeys are similarly an odd concept. Steve uses the word "buxom". Ricky has a look alike now.
5. This Show's Been a Bit Naughty (0:15:43)
Some new additions to The Hate List. Daniel Bedingfield is such a nob; conversely, Steve Merchant loves him. Songs of Phrase is "Why Don't They Play the Game of Swingball?" Karl makes an offensive statement. As long as you say something good about someone, you can say something bad. Ricky is in an uproar. The Chinese Don't Age Well. The teacher in Karate Kid was only about 36. Fact. Some great prizes include the free CD from today's Daily Mirror, a summer CD, the Fast Food Rockers, and more. Ricky interrupts the reading of the prizes with an idea he has for a new feature ("Good and Bad").
6. Another Pointless Inane Poll (0:22:07)
Good and Bad: people in wheelchairs? Steve has a long disclaimer regarding their disattachment to The Hate List; that said, well done. Karl doesn't hate anyone. He used to fancy Davina but he's bored with her. Ricky compiles Karl's Hate List.
7. KP Looks After Me (0:27:12)
This show is monkey heavy. If Karl were president, would everyone have a monkey? Karl has a story about a couple who couldn't have kids who bought a "kid" for £3 grand from a dodgy email address. Ricky is livid. Suzanne watched the news and tried to get Karl to, but he read about the mouse with an ear on its back instead. What would Karl's slogan be if he were president? If he were in charge, he'd think about it for a bit and ask Suzanne. Karl pontificates on homosexuality and somehow the conversation turns towards being brought up in a jungle.
8. Stop Taking Me to Alton Towers! (0:35:46)
Karl is amazed by the body. A brief mention of the Infinite monkey theorem. Karl thinks if you don't know about women, maybe you wouldn't crave for them. A fella in a coma for 20 years. Has Karl been in an accident?
9. You All Win a Prize (0:41:41)
Think they'll ever find The Missing Link, wandering around Manchester? Songs of Phrase answers and the results of The Hate List.
10. Come On Baby, Light a Fire (044:14)
Ricky talks about determinism. What if you changed one word in classic songs? If Karl was President, he'd take some time to think.
11. A Monkey Who Did Something Impossible (0:48:15)
Monkey News this week is a woman on a London to Brighton bike ride who encounters a rider on a tricycle.
Ricky: Karl, you cannot not do a feature about a fella born with two dicks.
Karl: Well, we'll look if we need it, I mean how much more have you got on the Chinese?
Karl: If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?
Ricky: If you think that me and Steve are being offensive, we are strongly behind the guise of irony, satire and ignorance. Karl, only has ignorance, and hate.
Ricky: Radiohead... there.. and 'go to sleep' on XFM 104.9... DON'T GO TO SLEEP we've got some more fun and great tunes coming up... alright.
Karl: As long as you say something good about someone, you can always say something bad about someone.
Steve: How does that work?!
Ricky: Go on then, give us an example!
Karl: Well, Chinese.
Karl: Great people. [Ricky sniggers]
Ricky: Right, good.
Karl: Women, women really good looking.... as younger people.
Ricky: [Ricky explodes] NOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?
Karl: I'm just saying... as long as you, you know what, I mean there's good and bad in everything...
Ricky: Well, what are the old ones like?!
Karl: They don't age well!
Ricky: [Ricky Explodes] OOOOOOOOHHHFFFFFFFFFUUU!!!
Steve: What do you mean?
Karl: The fella in the Karate Kid - the teacher, was only about 36! [Ricky and Steve laugh]
Ricky: [whilst laughing] We started this, we started this!
Songs of Phrase
Tell Me Why Don't They Play The Game Of Swing Ball
The Specials - "Why?" (Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why)
Jermaine Jackson - "Do What You Do" (don't they)
Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders - "Play The Game Of Love" (play the game of)
Louis Armstrong - "It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)" (swing)
Queen - "Don't Stop Me Now" (ball.)
The Hate List as compiled from the Xfm listener votes:
5. Davina McCall
4. Christopher Tarrant
3. and 2. (tie) Graham Norton and Patrick Kielty
1. Chris Moyles
Jane's Addiction - Just Because
Neil Young - Walk On
Longview - Further
Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love
Pharrell Williams - Frontin
Radiohead - Go to Sleep
The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
The Monkees - Pleasant Valley Sunday
Elbow - Fallen Angel
Snoop Dogg - Who Am I? (What's My Name?)
Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow
David Bowie - Sorrow
- How Does Chinese Work? YouTube video
- Madam Tussaud's in London
- More info on this episode from Xfm.co.uk
|Series 0 | Series 1 | Series 2 | Series 3 | Series 4|
|Presenters||Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington|
|Others||Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost|
|Features|| Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers |
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...