05 July 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Track Listing

1. Mancunians Take More Sick Days (0:00:00)

Show starts with Ricky introducing the ongoing saga of Karl vs. Steve. Ricky has some damning survey findings to share.

2. Stick the Telly On (0:03:37)

Karl thinks there's no such thing as a sexy song and has another idea for how to create a mood when you're with a lady. Illegal Briefs. Ricky expounds on the poorly Mancs article. Playing tonight in Islington is Restless Diesel. Ricky and Steve intro all the good stuff to come.

3. I Don't Like Being Here (0:07:34)

Steve was only sick once and Karl recalls how he handled it. What does Karl think of London? It makes him ill, he's not sleeping, he's run down. He'd love if if he dropped dead tonight. Ricky reenacts the time Karl was sick because of wet trousers. Gary Kemp has aged better than Ricky. Karl wonders if Steve has aged well.

4. She Doesn't Smoke Cigarettes (0:12:40)

Radiohead - good, innit. Steve saw an advert he's not sure is actually going to work on teenagers. Billy Bragg, Mick Hucknell and Rock the Vote. Steve was unnerved by Charley Says, and Karl thinks they just gave kids ideas. When he was a kid he and some mates put a lad in a wardrobe and told his mum he was missing. Once Karl's mam gave him a balloon to keep track of him on a beach, until all the other mothers got the same idea. Teenager Steve at New Year's and the girls who wanted to meet back at him at midnight. No party invite, but he did have a balloon. Can that hoe D.A. see Tupac?

5. Hello Bournemouth! (0:21:17)

People do not want Rockbusters. Listener James guesses before the clues are given: No Van Ear, Kid Creosote and Hairy Seek'em. Ricky suggests doing a road show but as he's not keen to leave W1, let's just do it outside the building. Rockbusters prizes include The Best Air Guitar Album and an old Only Fools and Horses. Karl gives up and won't bother with Rockbusters.

6. Mt. 'ave-a-Rest (0:25:40)

Listener Phil could do with the Rockbusters prizes for additional tat for his upcoming car boot sale. Educating Ricky this week is about how people are leaving rubbish on Mt. Everest. Karl discovers cryogenic freezing. If Karl were frozen now and reanimated in 40 years, would he have to stay with Suzanne, who'd be 70? Walt Disney and Plug.

7. Pilkington Avenue (0:32:42:40)

Ricky and Steve are intolerant of Karl's whinging about his one job ("they have loads of jobs"). Karl's trying to get out of London, and Ricky recommends selling his flat and buying a Manchester street. Ricky tells the story of King Solomon deciding which of two women is the mother of a baby. It's not a very good solution.

8. Wish You Were Here, with Karl Pilkington (0:36:48)

More chat about how many jobs Ricky and Steve do and how miserable Karl is. Ricky tried to put a pear on Karl's head but didn't know it was a juicy pear. Rockbusters clues. Smiley Miley's Roadshow. What does Karl think of the cities of the world? Karl's not surprised no one sleeps in New York with all the noise. An old woman in McDonalds in Paris wearing no knickers put him off. Venice has bin bags everywhere and is London, flooded.

Shown here are the prizes won by Joe in Catford (our ScottHanson) on this show

9. That's One Family Who Love Manchester (0:41:29)

All of Karl's family moved away from Manchester. His brother joined the army, his sister lives in Ireland. The world record for farting was 2:45 minutes, but Auntie Nora beat that. Karl's dad went round to make sure she was OK but asked her to open the windows first. Nora has ice cream tubs in the fridge of old mashed-up food, and doesn't answer the phone in case it's a burglar. Someone's answer to the Rockbusters clues is 1.I 2.Don't 3.Care. Karl reads the proper answers and give a shout-out to the winner, Joe in Catford.

10. Proof I'm Not a Psychopath (0:47:55)

Karl's been to Greece. In Turkey there were little midgets in the kitchen hassling Suzanne. In Edinburgh he saw a traffic warden putting a ticket on some bin bags. Bath is old and you can just visit once. Brighton has a lot of gay people. Karl's got a psychological test to do on Steve.

11. Good at Weighing Up the Situation (0:53:17)

Karl attempts Monkey News but is momentarily deterred by Ricky's moaning. What are monkeys good at? If they score high enough on an IQ test, they join the army.


All the police cars are on fire. B.S.
The director of 28 Days Later is shouting about sleeping outside. D.B.
He wants to be a sailor; why is that? B.


Steve: I don't think I've ever taken a day off sick, except when I had that terrible terrible terrible tonsilitis.
Karl: Is that when you went home, stayed with your mam and dad?

Steve: Oh, I might shoot off.
Ricky: I just have!

Ricky: Rubbish. Once again, lazy, rubbish, uncorroborated, nonsense, the stupid test that you got wrong,
Steve: Rick, that sounds like Monkey News to me!


  • The article read by Ricky records survey results found by Manchester-based employment firm, that employees in Manchester take 11 sick days per year, to Edinburgh and Dublin with an average of 9 and London 7.
  • This week's Rockbuster winner was Pilkipedia's own ScottHanson.


The Darkness - Growing on Me
Simon and Garfunkel - April Come She Will
Jane's Addiction - Just Because
Evan Dando - All My Life
Radiohead - Go to Sleep
Tupac Shakur - Picture Me Rollin'
Blur - Crazy Beat
Cat Stevens - The Wind
50 Cent - In da Club
Aerosmith - Jaded
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Stop
World Party - Is It Like Today?
Beyonce - Crazy in Love
Joe Jackson - Is She Really Going Out with Him?

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...