09 August 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Track Listing

1. If You Want Us to Relieve You of It (0:00:00)

Karl is frustrated from the heat and wants to fight. Sexual frustration? Suzanne thinks Karl's a drama queen. He wasn't very impressed with The Seven Wonders. Steve has an offer for Karl's sexual problems.

2. It's Good to See Him on the Telly (0:02:13)

The Naked Rambler, walking from Lands End to John O'Groats. His mum has begged him not to do it but sees a bright side. The nudist chat continues with Karl's suggestion that they not sit on white furniture. Three nude men in a pub and the possible difficulties surrounding having a nudist airline. A schoolmate of Karl's is running a race on telly and Karl thinks they only show the front shot so women will stay interested.

3. Goolielash (0:09:29)

The birth of Knob News. Steve has a story about a woman who ate a bit of penis in her goulash. Cock/food-related puns. Karl thinks there's been a mix-up. Karl has his own story about a man who borrowed £5 grand from his mum for enlargement surgery that went wrong.

4. You Look Better with a Tan (0:14:43)

Steve pontificates on how men get excited to see women's bodies in the hot weather. Karl saw an old fella out today wearing suit-pant shorts who looked like a tortoise without its shell. Steve saw a man out, who was twice as fat as Rik Waller. Ricky laid down by the window to try to sleep last night. Ricky inquires about Karl's head in the heat, but Karl's more concerned about the nudists. First mention of Karl's boiler acting up. Boiler fella charged £90 and told him to bang it. Karl recounts when Ricky poured soap on Karl in a cubicle and it looked like jizz. Ricky tells his now-famous story about the "cumming out a window" pamphlet.

5. A Very Lucky Girl (0:22:34)

A bird shat on Karl's ear and he left it there for 30 minutes during which time it corroded. Acidic or alkaline? Karl gets bored easily and Suzanne is lucky he hasn't got bored of her yet. Karl lied to a rose salesman in Leicester Square so he wouldn't have to buy one for her. Speculation on how he saves money at the cinema. Songs of Phrase is Galileo, Don't Talk To Me About Science - Please Make Me Television. Karl ends the link early when Ricky and Steve get hysterical.

6. Everyone's Raving about Galileo (0:27:54)

Karl explains his thoughts on Galileo and plays the Songs of Phrase again. Steve tries to read the prizes but chokes, perhaps due to eating goulash earlier.

7. Have You Got a Bent Coathanger? (0:31:08)

Ricky talks about a plumbing problem he had at Christmas and the £180 he was charged though he had to help the kid, plus the £2.50 extra he had to pay for a nozzle. His mate was locked out of his flat and the locksmith charged £90 even though he could see his keys inside. Karl tried to catch out the boiler man in the bathroom, whom he thinks was doing a crossword. How does a boiler work? How does a fridge work? How does a plane stay in the air? How does water come out of the tap? Karl queries the physics of jumping through the earth.

8. Songs of Arse (0:37:44)

Ricky tried to explain black holes to Karl but he just put his headphones on. Karl speaks with authority on what he thinks he knows. Ricky and Steve asked what he's learned recently, which is something about Darwin. Karl doesn't see the point of the iPod and would load his 3 favourite songs 7,500 times. Listeners have a new name for Songs of Phrase, and for their final show next week, Karl will have an edition of Rockbusters. Karl wants a bit of a life back but doesn't want his own show. Boxing, tick. Dancing, tick. The only info we have on Karl's boxing experience. Steve encourages Ricky to nick any CDs he might want from the library (Four Non-Blondes and Gina G, of course).

9. This is What I Would Have Looked Like (0:43:35)

Steve just watches Pop Idol for the freaks at the beginning. Ricky also likes the judges, and when Pete Waterman cries. Dr Fox is a genius. Judgment on Rik Waller for not slimming down, and not fitting the pop music look. Maybe the three of them should try out for Pop Idol. Brief Little Donkey reference. Karl has "news" on The Elephant Man, regarding what he'd look like if he hadn't been deformed. Karl watched a special in the week about people with deformities and suddenly felt bad. Vicky Lucas looks like Bo Selecta.

10. He's Makin Me Laugh (0:50:38)

Cock-a-Leek-y Soup. Ricky's got a rash on his arm from rubbing Karl's head. Songs of Phase played one last time and the winners announced. Monkey News extra about the Halford's ads gets interrupted when Ricky makes Karl laugh, rendering him unable to finish.

11. Little Monkey Prostitute (0:55:14)

Karl tries to start over with the Monkey News and Ricky and Steve love it, speculating on the cost involved.


Karl: Excuse me Miss, can you just lift your left tit up so I can see the belt?

Karl: But they don't show you a shot from behind -
Ricky: Did you want that?
Karl: - And I didn't want that either.

Steve: Last time I banged a boiler it cost me 90 quid.

Ricky: Me and Glynn were trying to figure out how a fridge works.
Steve: Magic?
Ricky: It is, the magic comes down the electricals into the frozen peas.

Ricky: The most convoluted, banal quiz on any radio station ever. I mean I'm including Moyles, Chris Evans, Simon Bates. That's worse than anything they ever did.
Steve: Apparently Channel 5 have bought the rights!

Songs of Phrase

Galileo, Don't Talk To Me Bout Science, Please Make Me Television

Queen - "Bohemian Rhapsody" (Galileo,)
Altered Images - "Don't Talk To Me About Love" (don't talk to me about)
Thomas Dolby - "She Blinded Me With Science" (science.)
The Beatles - "Love Me Do" - (Please)
Aretha Franklin - "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" (make me)
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Throw Away Your Television" (television.)


  • We have no idea what Ricky was doing to make Karl laugh.
  • Karl claims "that's the first time I've ever laughed on air". It wasn't.


Elbow - Fallen Angel
Rod Stewart - Maggie May
Radiohead - Go to Sleep
Dizzee Rascal - Fix Up, Look Sharp
South - Loosen Your Hold
The Smiths - Ask
Placebo - Special Needs
Pixies - Holiday Song
Longview - Further
The Darkness - Growing on Me
Neil Young - Heart of Gold
Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers
The Beatles - You've Got to Hide Your Love Away
Dinosaur Jr. - Start Choppin

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...