17 May 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

After not picking up any awards at the Sonys, Ricky wants to turn a new leaf and announces they'll be having guests on the show, including Dr. Fox and the girls from t.A.T.u.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 17 May 2003/Transcript.

1. Bit of a Blow at the Sonys (0:00:00)

Nothing won at the Sonys. Ricky intros the show and their new efforts. Steve reads out an email from a listener who wants to know if Ricky skis.

2. Do You Still Do Prescriptions? (0:02:19)

Ricky and Steve have asked Dr Neil Fox why they didn't win anything and play out a conversation with him. Steve would like a second opinion and Ricky wants to immediately forget the advice because it's easier.

3. You Can Have Your Cake and Eat Tit (0:05:35)

Their show is up 34% and Ricky wants to know if they're getting a pay raise. Ricky attended a presenter's meeting to annoy Karl. Xfm figures have gone down because of the war, and Ricky wants to know how many listeners died in it. Afterwards the gang went out for drinks and some to Stringfellows. Ricky and Karl are perplexed. Karl makes an analogy and would want a namecheck from Newton if he'd been one of the giants upon whose shoulders Newton had stood. You can't have your cake and eat it unless it's a breast cake.

4. It's Time I Went A-Wooing (0:13:27)

Sky One show about reality show stars after-the-fact. Rik Waller has a huge leather jacket. Darren Day wrote a song in a hotel room and reminds Ricky of adolescent writing. Steve, always unlucky in love, talks about the time he was in a school play and vied for the affections of a young lady by reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Scott Hanson and his long blond hair. Songs and poems about the man. Ricky recites a poem a schoolmate wrote when they were 15.

The reason why
The reason why
The reason why I had to die
Did I bleed the blood of greed?
What was my destiny?

5. A Lot Going On In Me Head (0:19:19)

Ricky's got some Monkey News about monkeys who like being groomed. Karl looks like a half-inflated balloon. Two monkeys grooming in Karl's head. Karl's school diary was always about getting potatoes and bread. Hugh Fays. Karl's 13th birthday in which his mam had him go buy a cake. Stories Karl wrote as a kid always ended with him waking up from a dream. Karl's teachers had scams going on. Karl hasn't slept well since he was about 12. The time he laughed himself to sleep.

6. What Have You Got For Us, Karl? (0:28:53)

Ricky's mad because he thinks Karl hung up on an old man. The man is still there and how. Ricky reads off notes about listener calls but fails at that, to Steve's anger. Rockbusters prizes have improved and Ricky is in hysterics and Steve is giggling over the shambolic clues.

7. If It 'appens It 'appens (0:35:16)

Karl and Suzanne will have kids only if it's an accident. If you think about having kids, the negatives outweigh the positives. Karl looked into whether marriage saves money but it doesn't seem to. Suzanne would stay home with a kid but Karl doesn't like that idea. If they won a load of money, Suzanne would want to go to Egypt but Karl's already seen it on the telly. What would Karl do with £250,000? There's a gibbon for sale, and Ricky is angered by the idea of Donal McIntyre doing Cheap as Chimps.

8. Eating in the Bath (0:42:29)

Steve thinks Ricky would set the worst example as a parent. Ricky in the bath eating chicken and Jane calls him "Caligula". Oranges are too messy to eat. The girls from t.A.T.u. are in the studio.

9. Are You Comfortable Being Nude? (0:47:57)

Karl's eye would naturally be drawn to a man's parts when watching ballet. Karl at a night out watching two men and two women in stage stripping, and first checks out the man. Karl and Suzanne in Tenerife are interrupted during sex by a fireman banging on the door.

10. A Monkey Called Marty (0:55:44)

Ricky calls it "Blockbusters" by mistake and it's time for the answers. Steve gives the answer to Gina, who sent in a bit of monkey info about the band Chumbawamba. Karl's got Monkey News about a monkey typing to some scientists but it turns out it was written on 1st April. Ricky, Steve and Karl are young, gifted and black.


They're having problems; they haven't got any rice. C.C.
The Geordie fella doesn't know what he's been charged for. B.W.
If I had two bricks, and I had to throw them at two women; didn't hit any of 'em. M.M.


Karl: You're not paid per listener.
Steve: It seems like it.

Karl: I just don't get it; you pay your £20, they dance in front of you but you're not allowed to touch. To me that's like going to a restaurant, ordering a nice big warm dinner and they put it in front of you but you can't eat it. It's going cold!

Ricky: I love songs you write when you're 14. You know, three chords and it's always stuff like 'There's a man/He's a lonely man/Take a look at him/He looks a bit like me/It is me'!

Karl: When you're a kid, I remember really loving going to bed. There was one time where I actually laughed myself to sleep, 'cause I couldn't believe me luck.


Blur - Out of Time
Black Grape - Kelly's Heroes
Athlete - You Got the Style
Placebo - This Picture
R.E.M. - Near Wild Heaven
Radiohead- There There
Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities
The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
Lynyrd Skynryd - Sweet Home Alabama
Martina Topley Bird - Need One
David Bowie - Life on Mars
Bob and Marcia - Young, Gifted and Black

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...