15 March 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Karl's been off ill much to Ricky's disgust, a new feature is born and tension between Karl and Stephen comes to a head.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 15 March 2003/Transcript.

1. When the Winds Were Bad in the '70s (0:00:00)

Karl gets stick from Ricky and Steve for being off for 3 weeks. Karl can only remember being out sick twice, once when it was windy. Karl's Mam didn't want him to get blown into the road. Karl's school gave out a certificate if you did a full week which he missed because of a windy Friday. He had to stay late on Monday with a teacher as a punishment, but he loved it because she had to stay too.

2. It Sounds Like the Most Complicated Game Ever (0:04:09)

Recap of the features, including the film thing and a new one, Crosswords (later Songs of Phrase). Steve reads off the prizes. Another new feature promo - Cheap as Chimps!

3. You're Gonna Need to Maybe Step Down (0:09:02)

Steve is a new member of Karl's pub quiz team, but is trying for a coup. Karl is like Alex Ferguson. He got (only) the Dannii Minogue question correct. The team weaknesses are Natural History and Science, Ricky's expert subjects. The quiz costs a tenner and Steve is not made of money. Karl's got a lot on his mind, namely his interaction with the little gay fella in the toilet. Karl thinks gay men should have their own cubicle or toilet. Women leave the door open in the toilet. The first time Karl "saw a woman" was Auntie Nora in her caftan. The birth of the ripped/split tennis ball image.

4. I'll Just Hold It In (0:16:22)

Extended discussion of sexuality and toilets. Every pub needs 4 toilets until Ricky reminds Karl about bisexuals. Who's policing this? Can Karl catch out a gay? Maybe if he were naked too.

5. There's This Hairy Chinese Kid (0:21:07)

Karl's got 5 songs edited together to make a popular saying from the show. Steve is negative about Karl's ideas. Ricky is a stirrer. Ricky squeezes Karl on the floor like a crab, with his mighty legs.

6. ZX81 With No RAM Pack (0:25:19)

Email in for Crosswords. Suzanne's birthday was on Monday and Karl got her some woollen gloves. Victoria Plum recap and Karl's Dad might be to blame for Karl's bad gift buying. Colin Bailey and his Sinclair Spectrum. The first telling of the wrong computer with no RAM pack and the vomit which resulted. The Rosses and their cat paperweight.

7. They Found a Load of Monkeys Somewhere (0:33:19)

Karl's been asked to write a column about monkeys for a magazine. Monkey News time, about monkeys who are chatting with each other. The first installment of Cheap As Chimps: How many bananas does a chimp at London Zoo eat? Cheap as Chimps! ("What?!")

8. When Was The Last Time That Was Said Twenty Times? (0:39:42)

Karl gives out the Crosswords answers and well done to the winners.

9. Can Karl Borrow Freaks (0:42:05)

Karl has found a "cell mate" who is on his wavelength with freaks. A fella in Bizarre magazine fixes watches with his feet, but Karl thinks he should crush grapes. The Freaks video. The Pillow Man is on Ricky's Xfm page. The worst thing Karl's ever seen on a face is the woman in Manchester in his dad's cab.

10. What's Wrong With Ballet (0:47:02)

There's a copy of Freaks on its way. Suzanne says Karl has a heart of stone, but he cries at The Elephant Man. Karl's got a theory about how people want to have their picture taken with freaks. Billy Elliot on VHS is the prize for this week's 'Karl in a Film' competition. Karl is Billy.

11. We'll See What the Press Say (0:54:00)

They have to end early because of football. Only two people are interested in the VHS Billy Elliot. Karl comes up with ideas because Steve doesn't. Another telly idea from the K Man: Famine Academy.


Karl: What I've done is, taken a popular saying from the show, something that crops up quite a lot in the show. The first thing that sprang to mind was 'There's this hairy Chinese kid'...

Karl: I mean, Steve always does this, whenever I come up with an idea.
Ricky: .. Karl said to me, 'It's a wonder The Office ever got on telly'.
Steve: Yeah, but, we shall see how Cheap as Chimps plays out.

Ricky: Karl, when was the last time Steve wrestled you to the ground and got you in a leg clamp?

Ricky: I love the fact that the normal bit of that is the well known phrase 'There's this hairy Chinese kid'. Like, nothing happened there. That's normal.

(On The Elephant Man)
Karl: It's just really, really sad...
Ricky: You give him a bun and he forgets it.
Steve: [slight pause] He never forgets, Rick.
(Ricky in fits of laughter)

Songs of Phrase

There's This Hairy Chinese Kid

The La's - "There She Goes" (There's)
The Strokes - "Is This It" (this)
George Harrison - "My Sweet Lord" (hairy (actually Hare))
Phillip Bailey - "Chinese Wall" (chinese)
Deacon Blue - "Real Gone Kid" (kid.)


Coldplay - Clocks
Elvis Costello - Alison
Richard Ashcroft - Buy It In Bottles
Ice-T - That's How I'm Living
The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
The Thrills - One Horse Town
Led Zeppelin - Rock and Roll
The Strokes - Someday
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop
Bill Withers - Who Is He (And What Is He To You?)
Alpinestars - Burning Up
Buzzcocks - Harmony In My Head
Feeder - Come Back Around

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...