03 May 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

This week's show is going for a Sony Award.

Track Listing

For a partial transcript of this episode see 03 May 2003/Transcript.

1. Nice to Meet You Ken (0:00:00)

Ricky wants the best from everyone for this, their last chance with the Sony committee. Karl has a story about his dad meeting a man who looked like Ken Dodd, and another about a woman who was complimented on the skin on her plastic arm. Another time a man on the radio thought noise in the background on the phone was a parrot but it was a woman's Down's Syndrome child. Awards don't matter.

2. There Must Be a Tractor Sale On Somewhere (0:03:13)

Karl didn't pass on the message that someone was looking for Steve to offer him some voiceover work. Steve is livid.

3. The World's Gone Topsy Turvy (0:07:13)

Karl tries to defend himself but Ricky's on Steve's side even though Steve sounds like a Wurzel. Steve thinks Karl can't deal with fame. Steve wouldn't come to a meeting because he had to clean up for his landlady's visit. Karl wonders why Steve's parents can't come clean the flat. Steve wants them to just make fun of Karl, not him. What does Karl think of the tube station posters of Ricky and Steve? How come Karl gets to do whatever he wants on the show now? Steve reads off the Rockbusters prizes. If Ricky can get voiceover work ...

4. Is 'Craptic' a Word? (0:13:08)

Karl reads off the Rockbusters clues. He's a little uncertain about doing Monkey News this week because Breakfast are doing it.

5. How Old Was He Again? (0:15:58)

Karl and Steve are "arguing like nutters". Ricky didn't put a bet on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and wishes he could go back in time. Steve would stop Hitler from being born if he went back. Steve saw X-Men 2 last night. Ricky and Steve harangue about cinemas and cinema-goers. Steve rants about when he went to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, the woman who asked the wrong question about the AI trailer, and the teenage girls on their mobile phones.

6. It's Not a Hairdo (0:23:46)

Steve and Karl are still arguing. Women can get treatment for baldness on the NHS, but men can't. Karl remembers Noel Gallagher pointing out his baldness. If Karl went back in time, he'd use a better shampoo. Karl's bald because he worked a lot. Did Karl know his head would be that round underneath? The barber said if you can have a bald head, you know someone is good looking (same with a bicycle helmet). Who would look good bald?

7. I Think I'm Getting the Rough Deal (0:30:16)

Karl won't age for a bit now. Shave the head of the kid with the ageing disease. Face transplants. Karl is like a cat or a man caught holding a mallet over a dead body. Why don't Steve and Karl swap faces? Ricky loves Karl. Steve doesn't feel the same. Never insult Steve's parents.

8. Your Girlfriend Could Do a Lot Better Than You (0:35:18)

Who would Ricky have for a face transplant? Karl would have Barry Sheene. Suzanne wants him to be Tom Cruise, but would Karl then have to be in Mission: Impossible III? The cartoon Ricky drew is up to 200 quid. Boyd Hilton looks like Karl's ugly brother. Karl is scared of Christian O'Connell.

9. How Do You Kill a Sponge Then? (0:39:02)

Badly Drawn Boy looks like Ricky and Karl in a blender. Red and blue sponges liquidised would re-form. Ricky in Selfridges on a golf simulator. Ricky can't pass a rifle range at a fairground without having a go. Ricky punishes injuries. Hitting the bannister as a kid and "Haha God - didn't hurt". Rockbusters clues and answers. Footloose discussion. Steve's not looking forward to the future, where feelings are banned.

10. The Man Behind the Monkey Behind the News (0:44:45)

Christian's got a jingle for Monkey News. Plenty of Monkey News to go around. A monkey named Jack got pal-ly with a bloke who worked in a railway station. Jack took over when the bloke lost a leg. Karl is a humanzee but Ricky is hairy too.

11. Can I Put Them In Room 101 (0:50:21)

Steve was annoyed by a woman on the tube who pointed out the danger of the gap. Ricky grasses up some smokers in a restaurant. Ricky ran into some annoying "fans" in the pub who went through Johnny's left-behind bag. Steve is angered by people who think they can come up to celebrities. Alcohol affect. David Blunkett has annoyed Karl this week by trying to stop people having sex in public.


The hitchhiker needs a lift, but in something bigger than a car. V.H.
Don't be selfish - hand some of it out to your mates. C.
The Scottish fellas can't get into their emails. K.L.


Steve: Karl, you're as bad as my agent.

Ricky: For someone who doesn't care about going bald, or war, or SARS, or anything, you don't half get stressed on a Saturday between 1 and 3.
Steve: To be fair, you are worse than all those things.

Ricky: I'm never bored with you, Karl .. it's brilliant. I'd like to rent you out to people.
Steve: See me, I'm different. I would happily leave him now in the bottom of the cupboard.
Karl: Until quiz night.

Monkey News

Steve: Excellent, good, so we’ll sort of get some money experts on maybe next week to dissect it.
Karl: 'Aight…You ready?
'Aight, there's this monkey, it’s called Jack, 'aight, he got pally with this bloke who worked in a railway station.
Steve: [laughter] HOW? pen-pals?
Karl: I dunno it didn't say all that, I'm just tellin ya, I've shortened it.
Steve: ...Chatrooms on the internet...
Karl: so ummm, anyways hes 'elping him out all the time and it's this fellas job, alright, to uh...sorta make sure its safe for the trains to come in, that sort of thing, right? But e's always workin on his own so, he, he's got his mate Jack in with him right, this liil' monkey, and uhhh, you know they're 'avin a good time, they share lunch together and stuff like that, anyway, It gets to the point where the fellas whos job it is, right, he starts gettin old, uhhh, and Jack the monkey starts getting more involved,
Rick: presumably this is a chimpanzee as opposed to a monkey, you mean, when you say monkey, a generic term, you mean, you mean chimp usually, don't you.
Karl: Yep..
Ricky: Go on then..
Karl: so umm, you know, he's clockin the fella doin’ his job and he's thinkin’ "I can do this",
Rick: I love it!
Karl: alright? The Monkey, he's 'elpin out, he's pullin’ down the levers and stuff so the trains sort of, come in on the right lines,
Steve: sure sure sure,
Karl: hes clockin’ it, he sticks his 'ead out the little winda, see the trains comin’ and that...
Ricky: I hope British rail are listening..
Karl: 'ight? uh....In the end, the fella whose job it is, he'd lost a leg for some reason, couldn't work anymore...
Steve: Have they?
Karl: ...Gave Jack the job
Steve: The railway company, I'm sure they..they... interviewed a number of people, but he was the best monkey for the job!
Karl: and that's...that's good, ‘innit?
Ricky: well its not true...
Karl: All right.... Once again,
Rick: Well it's not true, Don't hand Steve a piece of paper that someone put on the internet who is probably a bigger mentalist than you, that’s not proof... It's not true... At no point, did a railway company give a chimpanzee the job of signalman.
Karl: It was ages ago!
Ricky: Ah...Ah.. WHAT?
Karl: Steve, when was it??
Ricky: Before trains probably!
Steve: Well its uh, It's in the 1880s, according to this piece of paper which is what you based your Monkey News on now, of course I think ITN and a lot of the news channels, they tend to get lots of independent...confirmation of their news [cracking up] before they give it out as fact, but you've got an email from someone, so lets assume that's real, it says, "For this, Jack was officially put on the railway payroll, earning two cents per day and half..half a bottle of beer on Saturday", [laughs] THAT'S what we pay YOU isn't it!
Ricky: [Laughs] He doesn’t even get the beer! ahh dear, he's not allowed to drink...ah yeah
Steve: Someone emailed in actually and said uh, "Karl, Some years ago did you die and and they took your face and transplanted it onto that of a Chimpanzee, it would make a lot of sense
Ricky: I've never seen you..you never..you're always..he always has um, uh, tee-shirts right and long sleeves, I bet he's 'airy under there, I bet you are 'airy cause you have to shave right up to the eyes, you’re one of them aren't ya, and I see the growth gettin... it comes out the, the top there, are you really 'airy underneath?
Karl: I'm pretty hairy..
Ricky: Are you really?
Karl: Well, wha, well what's wron with that?"
Ricky: you're...you're a human-zee, aren't ya? That's why you're fascinated with ‘em and why you, why your IQ is sorta about 80... I think you might be. You, I I don't mean, It was a, I think it was genetic sort of, sort of throwback.
Karl: Well you're pretty 'airy! Look at your arms!
Ricky: [Laughs] stop.. Just, give me that banana an shut up.
Play a record.


Richard Ashcroft - Buy It In Bottles
The Smiths - Panic
Snoop Dogg - Beautiful
Warren Zevon - Ain't That Pretty At All
REM - Man On The Moon
Evan Dando - Stop My Head
The Beatles - Let It Be
50 Cent - In Da Club
Rolling Stones - Wild Horses
Feeder - Buck Rogers
Radiohead - There There
Turin Brakes - Average Man

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...