08 February 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

An important show that sees the first mention of the Infinite monkey theorem, and the first appearance of the little Jamaican fella(s) in Rockbusters. The film clip this week is The Graduate.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 08 February 2003/Transcript.

1. More Features Than Karl Has on His Face (0:00:00)

Ricky begins the show by comparing Karl to Morph. He tells the features line up which includes Rockbusters, Karl in a Film, and Monkey News (as it was called then).

2. Michael Jackson's Hands (0:01:40)

Ricky wants Karl to go straight into it because he has nothing to say. Steve puts him on hold though, to discuss Karl's thoughts on Martin Bashir's Michael Jackson documentry. Karl main issue with Michael was the size of his hands, and to Steve's surprise, Ricky agrees. Ricky tip toes into libelist territory using the term "tranny". Further discussion on the documentary ensues. Karl switches the subject to a show featuring Siamese twins that blew his mind. The twins were connected at the forehead. Karl speculates and lists questions he would've asked, like "How would you buy her a birthday present?"

3. We're Not Taking the Mickey (0:08:11)

Karl is still buzzing about the conjoined twins. The discussion continues about the twins' careers. Ricky thinks they are called Molly and Dolly but Steve insists one was named Reba. Karl thinks they should act more like a duo. Karl swears one said she was adopted, which launches Steve and Ricky into a roleplay of an adopting parent and an orphanage owner.

4. The Newest Quiz in Town (0:11:50)

Karl's Film feature is introduced by Ricky. This week it's The Graduate. Karl brings up the two big-headed web-handed kids and the shape of his head in the skit. The prize for the quiz is a VHS copy of The Graduate (Karl had to get it himself). Karl thinks it's not worth having on DVD because it's an old film.

5. Throw Away Prizes (0:16:25)

Ricky and Steve continue to prod Karl over not getting the DVD. Ricky demands he get the DVD for the prize despite being 18 quid.

6. Have They Read Shakespeare? (0:18:15)

Ricky whinges more about the prizes. Karl brings up a debate he and Steve had earlier about the infinite monkey theorem. Ricky adamantly defends infinity, but Karl is not having it. He believe that multiple monkeys wouldn't be on the same page, one monkey would know what he did in the past. Ricky begins to get upset and howls at Karl.

7. You Do Me Head In (0:22:53)

Someone e-mails in to defend Karl, but misses Karl's point. Ricky continues to attempt to explain the theorem. Karl resorts to saying how stressed out he is and how much Ricky annoys him. Karl begins besmirching the names of Einstein and Newton saying that they're not that good. The origin of the monkey discussion stems from Noel Gallagher's quote saying he would have been the greatest song writer if he had done Wonderwall before the Beatles came about. Karl launches into a bizarre tirade about locking kids in a room by themselves and then one day putting a guitar next to the bed. Eventually one would pick it up and start strumming and would eventually write Hey Jude. Karl ties this to the monkey theorem which causes Ricky to leave the room.

8. Two Guys and a Buffoon in a Room (0:29:09)

A fan e-mails in that the monkeys would type "Karl Pilkington is a genius." an infinite number of times. Ol' Richard Anderson has e-mailed in with some constructive criticism too. Ricky calls Steve a goggled-eyed freak and Karl latches on. He inquires what Steve does for Valentine's Day. Is he happy that he doesn't have to spend any money or does he wish he had a girlfriend?

9. Karl in a Seductive Environment (0:33:46)

Karl replays The Graduate clip before a winner is announced. Ricky thinks E.T. would be good for next time.

10. That's Terrifying! (0:37:11)

The fans want Rockbusters, so Karl is permitted to continue with it. Steve mentions the usual tat and a White Stripes single for prizes. Karl takes it away. Ricky and Steve find themselves upset and confused at Karl's sound effect Rockbuster.

11. How Have You Lived This Long? (0:42:15)

Ricky and Steve try to nickname Karl "Pillockton". Karl says a lad named Mark used to call him this. Mark's mom wouldn't let Karl inside the house, so Karl had to stand outside his bedroom window and play video games. Apparently, Mark's mom was obsessed with cleanliness. In return for video game playing, Mark would get pies from Karl's mum.

12. 17th Century? (0:46:30)

Ricky was screaming during the track much to the dismay of Steve and Karl. Ricky introduces Monkey News (and starts calling it Monkey News). This week it's about a monkey/chimpanzee going around Hackney nicking DVDs. Karl is puzzled by the fact that they took fingerprints despite knowing it was a monkey. Karl concludes there are multiple monkeys stealing. Karl gives a bonus monkey news about a monkey getting onto buses and reading the paper.

12. De Trout Spinners (0:50:45)

The monkey in Hackney is confirmed and Karl is chuffed. Rockbusters is a failure; no one even attempted to answer all three. Ricky scolds Karl and threatens to bin it. After the answers, Ricky is rendered speechless.


Ricky: It's always that way with a tranny, innit?
Steve: You can't say he's a tranny!

Karl: We talk about a lot of things on the show a lot. The hairy kids crop up a lot.

Ricky: We don't give away prizes we throw away prizes.

Ricky: But the number of times they'd type it and write "Karl Pilkington is a genius and Ricky Gervais is a cund."

Ricky: Sorry, is that the news?
Karl: Well what more do you want?


Well, if he would have been wearing a helmet, it would've been alright. B.
Why are those Jamaican men swingin' fish 'round their heads? D.S.
Sound Effect Rockbuster ("That Song Sounds Alright") - Born Slippy


The Cardigans - For What It's Worth
Oasis - Songbird
The Pretenders - Brass in Pocket
Eminem - Sing for the Moment (Dream On)
Feeder - Just the Way I'm Feelin'
Simon and Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence
Coldplay - Yellow
Lloyd Cole - She's a Girl and I'm a Man
Steve Miller Band - Fly Like an Eagle
The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
Ash - Sometimes
Xzibit - X
Placebo - The Bitter End
The Verve - Lucky Man
Teenage Fan Club - Sparky's Dream
Supergrass - Seen the Light
Song For The Ladies: Nick Drake - River Man

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...