12 July 2003
1. I'd Turn Off Today, Because There's Nothing (0:00:00)
A very tense start to the show. Ricky and Steve recorded a sketch about the radio authority, but the head of Xfm, Andrew Phillips, banned Karl from playing it due to the swearing. Is Karl being a coward? Listener Dan reckons he could fill in for Karl as producer, which is handy as Karl insists he won't be doing the show anymore. Ricky gets worried as Karl ventures into the realms of blasphemy.
2. Behind The Bike Sheds Having A Swear (0:09:00)
Karl's mate got caught by swearing at school by a teacher, and had to write an essay full of swearwords as punishment. Unfortunately his mam found the essay and thought he was depressed. Did the same teacher hit Karl on the head with a block of wood? This leads to a discussion about winding up teachers, it appears Ricky's sense of humour hasn't matured much, as he and Steve hum to annoy Karl.
3. My Little Conspiracy (0:17:20)
Karl reckons his teachers made the pupils at school draw the content of their homes to find out who'd been nicking stuff. Auntie Nora's genitals get yet another mention. Shall we play Songs of Phrase?, the phrase is 'No More Cheeky Freak of the Week,' which has been axed because it's offensive. Karl quotes a line from the news about Siamese twins, which Ricky finds offensive.
4. No More Cheeky Freak Of The Week (0:22:09)
Ricky proclaims his love for The Darkness, as we go into Songs Of Phrase. Steve thinks it's tricky, and so changes the rules so only the artists are required. Prizes include a Jools Holland DVD (with boogy-woogie piano over the top.) The answers begin to dribble in.
5. Please Never Bring A Child Into The World Karl (0:25:25)
Ricky comes up with his own Rockbuster - a Spanish archer, Elbow. Karl has a message for a soon to be born baby, 'I wouldn't rush out.. it's not good out here.' Karl's theory about old people being like babies has been vindicated, as an elderly man has been refused service in an off-license as he didn't look old enough. Ricky wants to run Xfm for a week, and see if they can sort it out. Conversation descends into Ricky repeatedly saying 'Karl,' it's driving Steve mad now.
6. What's His Point? (0:30:07)
Ricky recalls hearing a Capital FM DJ's thoughts on the case of a missing girl named Summer. Steve notes how her father had changed his name to 'Dragon,' Karl wanted to change his name to Brett when he was younger. Karl's name derives from a dream his mother had when she was pregnant, in which a doctor named Karl saved her life. Pilkington thinks he's done alright for himself, and advises any kids listening not to worry about getting qualifications, and maybe get a job at Xfm instead. Karl's going on holiday again, this time to Hastings.
7. There Was An Old Woman Who swallowed A Cockroach (0:34:01)
Karl tells a depressing news story about an old woman who swallowed a cockroach and a fork. It sounds suspiciously like an old nursery rhyme. Karl can't be bothered to finish the anecdote, and they play a song instead, this winds up Steve even more.
8. Why Did He Put A Condom On It? (0:36:03)
Karl is going to Hastings just to chill out, and doesn't want Ricky to go with him. The woman who swallowed a fork had an x-ray taken, Ricky wonders whether she really swallowed it, or if it got into her abdomen a different way. Karl knows what Ricky is getting at, as Ricky tells the timeless anecdote about a bloke, a rectum, a condom, a sauce bottle, and a skeptical doctor. Steve is pleased that the man in question was practicing 'safe sauce'.
9. Who Left Behind A False Leg? (0:40:50)
Steve once wrote up a story for a Bristol newspaper about things left behind in hotel rooms, these included a chicken and a false leg, items usually found in Paul McCartney's farm. Why didn't pirates have realistic fake legs? Why did they have hooks? Jane went to school with a boy who could fasten different implements on his false hand.
10. If you're Not Interested In It Karl... (0:44:20)
Karl takes yet more abuse over the censorship scandal. The Songs of Phrase answers are given out, James Walters in Colchester has won. Where's Dicky Anderson? They think he'd be impressed with this show.
11. Parole Unlikely For Inmates Of Monkey Prison (0:45:38)
As the show limps towards the end, Monkey News appears. Karl has covered a lot of Monkey crime, but without showing the consequences, it turns out there's a monkey prison in India. Ricky is skeptical and insists it's only for aggressive wild animals, Karl thinks it's for other crimes as well, his argument is undermined though as he can't pronounce 'theft'. Steve reads Karl's source, it's credible. The show ends abruptly with Karl not understanding the phrase 'conjugal rights', he's off to Hastings.
Karl: I bet Jesus swore.
Karl: I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!
Karl: I'll tell you what annoys me though...
Karl: ...Well you do and everyone knows that.
Steve: Rick, I can tell you now that the answers to "Songs of Phrase" are quite literally dribbling in ...
Songs of Phrase
No More Cheeky Freak Of The Week
Paul McCartney - "No More Lonely Nights" (No more)
The Cheeky Girls - "The Cheeky Song" (cheeky)
Sugababes - "Freak Like Me" (freak)
Space - "Female Of The Species" (of the)
The Beatles - "Eight Days A Week" (week.)
Jane's Addiction - Just Because
Elvis Costello - Accidents will Happen
The Thrills - Big Sur'
The Pretenders - Kid
Placebo - This Picture
Longview - Further
Billy Bragg - Waiting For The Great Leap Forward
The Psychedelic Furs - Pretty In Pink
The Darkness - You're Really Growing On Me
Elbow - Red
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Stop
The Verve - Lucky Man
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Universally Speaking
Blackalicious - Deception
Placebo - This Picture
|Series 0 | Series 1 | Series 2 | Series 3 | Series 4|
|Presenters||Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington|
|Others||Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost|
|Features|| Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers |
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...