16 August 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

The final show of Series 2, before Ricky and Steve are away filming the Office Special.

Track Listing

1. Embarrassing Being on Xfm (0:00:00)

Ricky and Steve don't need to come back after their upcoming break, and largely do the show to ridicule Karl. Steve thinks Xfm is just for background music during hoovering, but Ricky doesn't think the fans hoover at all. You've got to Rainbow something.

2. Can't Wait for Three O'Clock (0:02:42)

Since You've Been Gone has everything, and is for Camfield. Steve gives out the email and Ricky makes an attempt at the Xfm phone number. Karl's paid peanuts for this and has no fun. Ricky was playing an accordion to annoy Karl, and Steve thinks Ricky will be relentless when he doesn't see Karl regularly and that Xfm won't take his badge away.

3. Are You Sure You're Not a Bender? (0:05:58)

A listener emails in with a plea. Ricky lied to Karl to get him to come 'round last night. Ricky gave up looking for a book and beckoned Karl for a wrestle. His pant-clad antics led Karl to compare him to a gay sumo wrester. Extensive discussion about Karl noshing off Nero.

4. Knob News Extra (0:11:33)

Ricky and Steve have a book about man's bodies, from which they got today's Knob News about the world's smallest functioning penis. More Nero chat and Karl continues to deny that he'd ever "do it". Karl tells about a sex ed class he had as a kid and his classmate Paula who fainted during the video.

5. I Only Made 18p Today (0:17:28)

Ricky walked past some tramps near Shaftsbury Avenue today planning their social calendar and proceeds to speculate on their day-to-day conversations. Steve is annoyed by a tramp who asked him the time. Ricky has 8 standing orders, Steve feels as if people are just trying to take his money between his house and the tube and Karl is now helping out Africa, but doesn't like giving out his bank details. Karl moved from his last flat because of the hassle of tramps and charities.

6. It's Just Some Words (0:25:00)

For the last show, Karl has brought back Rockbusters and Ricky and Steve attempt to explain it, without much enthusiasm.

7. It's All Slang (0:28:15)

Karl has done some research on Ebonics. Why use police slang like 187? Steve and Ricky query just how cryptic Cockney rhyming slang actually is. Lots of new words get in the dictionary. Karl talks about when he tried to read The Guv'nor by Lenny McLean, but the pages were in the wrong order.

8. We Don't Need Him (0:34:14)

Karl doesn't like reading books but tried to learn about Einstein from a science magazine. Suzanne suggested he read it aloud to himself in the bedroom but he still couldn't understand it. Ricky tries to explain how time is relative, and Karl also has thoughts on Newton.

9. They're Gonna Tear Us to Shreds (0:39:24)

Karl as dimis mancoid. The Daily Telegraph are listening in today. Steve is taken aback by this news and is embarrassed by the show so far. Does Karl look between the lines? Karl attempts the word "antediluvian" but thinks it's "antidewean". Ricky and Steve love The Telegraph, its font, the Tory party and think it's too inexpensive.

10. Buy The Telegraph (0:44:33)

The people who work at Xfm are drug users, alcoholics, and sex offenders but normally Ricky and Steve talk satire. Oh, Proust. Ricky loves politics and has something to say about John Prescott and George W. Bush.

11. I'm Exposing Myself While Looking at Some Free Fanny (0:47:00)

Time for the "usual" round-up of the news, because they always try to be informative. Policeman caught photographing up woman's skirt. Karl recaps about the people outside his window at his old flat, and tells of his new neighbours who are moved in but have no curtains. While he was washing up he saw a woman with no knickers on and gave her a sly look at his arse cheek for the sake of fairness.

12. It's Not Cryptic, It's Wrong (0:54:09)

Rockbusters answers; Ricky is livid and Steve insults the winner.

13. Are You Familiar With Hundredth Monkey? (0:56:07)

Steve wants to thank the emailers and listeners even though they never reply. Adam and Joe are filling in for them starting next week. Ricky explains his methodical expertise on driving his friends almost to the point of madness. The link begins to break down as Karl can't get through a Monkey News extra about monkeys washing potatoes. The proper Monkey News is about a monkey football team in Costa Rica, who have a goalkeeper with a PhD in Physics. Goodbyes all round, to end the link.


This vegetable started life down under. K.O.
The things that you normally find on the beach have been found floating around the moon. T.S.
Well, if you put that many in the post, I'm surprised I didn't receive one. F.C.


Karl: There's too many words.

Karl: I wasn't really watch... I wasn't that interested n' that ..uh I wasn't looking at it n' nat


Placebo - Special Needs
Rainbow - Since You've Been Gone
Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow
The Beatles - Hey Bulldog
Blur - Out of Time
The Libertines - Don't Look Back into the Sun
Bauhaus - Ziggy Stardust
DMX - Where the Hood At
Longview - Further
The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Stop
Lou Reed - Hangin' Round
South - Loosen Your Hold
Tim Buckley - Once I Was

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...