15 February 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

In this show, Karl tells of his trials and tribulations while Suzanne was away, as well as the usual mix of chat and features. This week Karl will be appearing in "The Shining" in the film quiz.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 15 February 2003/Transcript.

1. They Need A War (0:00:00)

Ricky opens the show with his opinions on the anti-war protests in London's West-End or the "million people sort of just millin' around".

2. OK, Stop Eating Karl, You've Ate All The Food, That's The Plate (0:00:36)

Ricky and Steve get the show started but are immediately distracted by a yawning Karl. Suzanne is away, so Karl stayed up late to watch a documentary about Dracula, which he found flawed. Ricky is inspired and creates the character "Mancula". Much to the delight of Steve, Ricky announces the end of Rockbusters because of it's consistent shoddiness. As a special farewell to the game, Karl has decided to included a variety of English accents. To compensate for the loss of Rockbusters, Ricky and Steve re-introduce XFamily Fortunes, a feature from their pre-takeover/pre-Karl days.

3. It's A Bit Of A Monkey Bonus (0:04:54)

Steve is dismayed at Ricky's belief that he could hold himself in a fight. Ricky admits to yet more off-air torturing of Karl, including karate chopping and squeezing of his head. Steve is constantly frustrated when eating out with Ricky and Karl. Ricky, knowing he would believe it, tells Karl a made up story about a monkey who had his brain tampered with and ended up fighting with itself over a nut, i.e. the brain was cut into two halves both of which functioned individually and controlled their respective body parts. Karl suggested the monkey be given two nuts. Karl consulted the Internet but had trouble searching the web as he was unsure of the spelling of corpus callosum. Karl is fascinated by bonobos.

4. I'm Not Annoying Karl, So Why Are You? (0:09:02)

Ricky decides to get the competitions going starting with XFamily Fortunes. Ricky says having Karl in the room is like having a "chimp in the room" because of his noisy habits and says he is very annoying to eat out with, causing Steve to promptly respond with his opinions of Ricky's eating habits. Steve goes so far as to say he even had to heavily edit behind the scenes footage of The Office to avoid Ricky looking like a fool. Ricky tries to explain the XFamily Fortunes rules, but gets bored.

5. XFamily Fortunes...Smelly Eyebrows (0:12:30)

XFamily Fortune begins. The first question for control of the game is "We asked eight of my (Ricky's) mates for something you associate with Karl Pilkington" to which the top answer is "silliness" or "thickness." The other correct answers are "Thick", "Manchester", "Round Head", "Hairy Chinese Kid" and "Even Thicker". Karl is not amused.

6. You've Given Him An Inch And He's Taken A Yard (0:18:00)

A Rockbusters winner e-mails in to insult the nature of his winnings. Steve agrees about the shoddy prizes, but Karl has an explanation. Karl plays a clip from the film into which he has edited himself. Steve is horrified at the concept of being in a caravan with Karl and Ricky. Karl tells Steve of the torment Ricky inflicted on him in the half an hour leading up to the show.

7. Will You Come To The Book Shop (0:26:05)

Steve and Karl are arguing over who is responsible for the show's shambolic nature, although they both come to a mutual decision over who's fault it is. Ricky gets an unusual request from someone on the street.

8. I Must Remember To Eat Next Time Suzanne Is Away (00:31:04)

Karl gives out the answer to the film quiz. Karl realizes he needs to be able to take care of himself better when Suzanne is not around, a thought brought on by his attempts at feeding himself while she was away including over-cooking a lasagna. This also sees the fist mention of Karl's suffering of "Restless Leg Syndrome". Karl tells Ricky and Steve about a woman who had a baby who had a baby.

9. Steve Looks Annoyed (00:38:00)

Karl is upset because he feels Ricky and Steve don't appreciate his form of education. Karl feels dolphins aren't that smart, but he'd love to see a bonobo take a test against a "mentalist". Karl thinks that if intelligent chimps were attending school it would encourage kids to work harder, but also thinks there are too many protesters to get anything done.

10. Shambles (00:46:36)

The final Rockbusters (accent special) gets going, albeit quite late. Ricky, Steve and Karl are frustrated as they are quickly running out of time and haven't completed Rockbusters, done Monkey News or gotten a chance to discuss a story Karl read about nudists playing bowls. They rush through Monkey News much to the annoyance of Karl; a monkey is waiting for a train in India when he notices a robbery and decides to intervene...

11. You Did It On Purpose (00:49:53)

Karl is annoyed at Ricky, claiming he left Rockbusters late on purpose. Steve remembers when Rockbusters began and was actually a half decent quiz. Ricky takes issue with the final Rockbuster claiming it's far too obscure, Steve doesn't even know who Dan Hill is.

12. I Need To Re-think This Whole Thing (00:52:57)

Ricky is unsure of the future of the show after what he feels was a terrible display. Steve is in agreement.


Ricky: They need a war...

Steve: I hate goin' out with you two!

Karl: It's sort of a monkey bonus.

Steve: It's like having a chimp in the room.

Ricky: You know how it goes...eh..I say summat and the you say "buzz"..

Ricky: Don't blaspheme on air.

Karl: After the Devil got in him an' that.

Karl: I just neglect meself....
Ricky: ...yeah, a lot of self-abuse

Ricky: Oh, Chimpanzee that, go!
Karl: Shambles...
Steve: HURRY UP!


The Northern lad remembers he had to tell his Mam's daughter something. O.
The person from Birmingham got a C in their degree. T.
The Cockney fella isn't happy, everything is going wrong. D.H.


The White Stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground
Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
Lloyd Cole - Like Lovers Do
WC Featuring Snoop Dogg - The Streets
Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Bring It On
Simon and Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence
Coldplay - Yellow
Lloyd Cole - She's a Girl and I'm a Man
Badly Drawn Boy - Born Again
Eminem - Sing For The Moment
Bob Dylan - You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go
Oasis - Songbird
Foo Fighters - Times Like These
The Zombies - Time Of The Season
Doves - There Goes The Fear
David Bowie - Letter To Hermione
N.E.R.D - Provider

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...