23 November 2002

Xfm Series 2 August 2002 - August 2003 List of episodes

Episodes: 24 August 2002 (Transcript) 31 August 2002 (Transcript) 07 September 2002 (Transcript) 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 21 September 2002 (Transcript) 28 September 2002 (Transcript) 05 October 2002 (Transcript) 12 October 2002 (Transcript) 19 October 2002 (Transcript) 26 October 2002 (Transcript) 02 November 2002 (Transcript) 09 November 2002 (Transcript) 16 November 2002 (Transcript) 23 November 2002 (Transcript) 30 November 2002 (Transcript) 07 December 2002 (Transcript) 14 December 2002 (Transcript) 21 December 2002 (Transcript) 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of') 04 January 2003 (Transcript) 11 January 2003 (Transcript) 18 January 2003 (Transcript) 25 January 2003 (Transcript) 01 February 2003 (Transcript) 08 February 2003 (Transcript) 15 February 2003 (Transcript) 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of') 08 March 2003 (Transcript) 15 March 2003 (Transcript) 22 March 2003 (Transcript) 29 March 2003 (Transcript) 05 April 2003 (Transcript) 12 April 2003 (Transcript) 19 April 2003 (Transcript) 26 April 2003 (Transcript) 03 May 2003 (Transcript) 10 May 2003 (Transcript) 17 May 2003 (Transcript) 31 May 2003 (Transcript) 07 June 2003 (Transcript) 14 June 2003 (Transcript) 21 June 2003 (Transcript) 28 June 2003 05 July 2003 12 July 2003 19 July 2003 26 July 2003 02 August 2003 09 August 2003 16 August 2003

23 November 2002 features even more classic Karl stories including the time his Dad's mate video taped the school play and was heard off camera saying "He looks a right twat" as well as the classic story of his holiday to Turkey where Suzanne was getting harassed by the midget waiters. It also sees the continuation from last week's Rockbuster's clues gradually heading downhill as the clues now require the artist names to be said in certain accents or are a specific way of pronouncing the answer, much to the annoyance of Ricky and Steve.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 23 November 2002/Transcript.

1. MTV Karl (0:00:00)

Karl's a bit self-conscious as there's a camera unit in film Ricky as part of the charity boxing match documentary. Karl's not keen on being on camera as he thinks that, while he is a looker, he has got a very round bald head. Ricky reveals that MTV have called and want to screen-test Karl but Karl says he wakes up and looks in the mirror and thinks his reflection isn't TV material. Besides which he doesn't wear a suit very well. But when he puts a woolly hat on, which takes years off him. Listeners then find from Ricky that while appearing in a school play, Karl's Dad's mate was videoing it and on playback Karl heard his Dad commenting that he "looks like a right twat". Steve is worried that at the moment they control Karl and think it would be similar to letting a pet animal go free into the wild. Karl teases us with his new idea for a feature which will be him interviewing people so it will be a sort of 'Pilkington' rather than 'Parkinson'. This week, he is interviewing a lady who has a haunted house.

2. Steve Wants Revenge (0:03:55)

Karl has had a nasty shock. He has found out his Dad might be listening to the show this week. Karl says that he never tells his Dad that he talks on air since the Little Donkey incident and being called a 'twat'. He never even told his parents, while he was at school, about parent's evenings. However, on an off-chance, Karl's Dad found out about one via a friend and went along where Mrs Matthews informed him that "Karl will never be a high flier". Steve tells Ricky about a show he watched on TV called "Are You Good In Bed?" and already knew the answer was "No". Ricky tells us about Celebrity Fat Club and Rik Waller's latest escapades. Talk moves onto the upcoming Celebrity Boxing match and Steve is thinking that Ricky only likes the trappings that boxing brings and not the actual combat side of things. Steve also wants to know if Ricky works out to a specific soundtrack, namely the Rocky soundtrack. He then asks if Ricky will be pursuing boxing as a hobby after the match as he was called a "goggle-eyed freak" by some sixth formers during the week and wants some revenge.

3. Karl's Mam Is Soup-perb (0:11:02)

Karl is less stressed out now the cameras have left. He tells Steve and Rick that his mam is loving the Rockbusters idea and came up with some. Steve thinks that the 'Dandy Warhols' clue last week was his finest hour then tells us that a listener has emailed in and says that they have actually witnessed an old man eating a twix. Karl's not buying it though. Onto Karl's mam's clues.... 1) This group would be good at doing your hair (The Platters) 2) This group sound like Dinosaurs (T-Rex) 3) This group likes being by the sand and the sea (Beach Boys) 4) This guy sounds soup-perb (Glenn Campbell). Ricky finds these clues hilarious and suggests she hasn't quite got the idea of Rockbusters. Steve reckons Karl should sell the format to MTV.

4. Karl's Removal Man (0:15:31)

Karl's got a headache from the stress of moving house. He notes that the XFM listeners who won the futon/table combo were actually 'quite normal' but is puzzled why they needed to bring the whole family round to collect them. Ricky laughs at the fact Karl had to ride his bike in the rain to work today as he doesn't like leaving it at home while the removals are going on. Karl's a bit annoyed that Suzanne has mananaged to hire the world's oldest removal man to do the move, unfortunately he was the only one available to do it. Karl spoke to him on the phone and reckons, much to Steve and Ricky's glee, that he sounds about 90. Steve suggests paying him in Werther's Originals but Karl's annoyed that while the hourly rate is reasonable, he is probably going to take many hours to do the work. He brought the empty boxes round earlier and was knackered out.

5. Pilkington (0:18:46)

Straight after the last link, Karl unveils his latest project, an interview in the style of Parkinson, even going as far as to rip off the theme music. Karl quizzes a lady about a haunted house. She was out in the stables one day when she heard 2 friends playing with a Ouija board and joined in. Since that day she has found her bedroom to be rather cold and have clothes thrown at her and wardrobes opening and closing. Karl does his best to debunk the goings-on but clearly is intrigued.

6. Are You On Crack? (0:22:29)

Steve is particularly impressed with the question Karl put to the lady in his interview "Are you on crack?" and thinks this is very much in the Parky style. Ricky queries if the woman in the interview asked the Ouija board 'why?' like Karl did to the computer and the ghost is haunting her to get her back. Karl explains the interview was heavily cut and the real-time thing lasts for 50mins and suggests saving it for a Xmas treat. Ricky's not impressed by the ghost theories.

7. Rockbusters Prizes (0:24:51)

Ricky talks about a show coming up on TV which is trying to debunk the practise of homeopathy. Steve does a run-down of the Rockbusters prizes this week including a David Attenborough Life Of Mammals VHS set, Best Of U2 90's videos, a Smashing Pumpkins album, a Johnny Cash album of cover songs, an arbitrary Chillout CD, and an Only Fools and Horses box video with a free 3-wheeled van toy. (This latter prize comes up very often in future episodes of Rockbusters much to the annoyance of Ricky and Steve).

8. Rockbusteeeeeeeeeeeers! (0:28:02)

Ricky realises how much of a figurehead Karl has become from his lowly start as a producer. Karl is the man of the moment with his appearances in Heat magazine and his MTV screentest and Steve thinks he could be the next Bond. Rich emails in to ask why Karl isn't appearing in the poster ads for the XFM show but Karl doesn't want to embarrass himself. Karl reads out this week's Rockbusters clues.

9. Shuttupa Yer Face (0:33:13)

Karl reads out the Rockbusters clues again before moving swiftly onto Educating Ricky. This week the teaser headlines are 1) Is the tip included? (Which Ricky correctly guesses is knob related) 2) I wouldn't have come here in Heinz-sight and 3) Armour gonna have to thump ya.

Ricky plumps for #3 and Karl immediately caveats the story by complaining he didn't have much time this week and is struggling for stories. Ricky incorrectly guesses this story will be about the man whose arm was severed and proceeded to use it as a weapon. As a bonus fact Karl tells about a man who lost his arm during a game of tug of war (which Karl disputes was due to sheer force of wanting to win rather than Ricky's theory that it got tangled in the rope). Karl then explains the true meaning of his punny title revealing that the phrase 'Shut Your Face' comes from when Knights from 'ages ago' would tell peers to shut their visors. Ricky's not convinced this is a true story.

Steve then brings back Hip-Hop Hooray for one week only.

10. Monkeys and Midgets (0:39:16)

Karl has just told Ricky a fact that "you can't hold your breath to death" which amused him. After arguing about the validity of Educating Ricky, Karl asks what Ricky has learnt this week. Ricky learnt about jellyfish and agrees with Karl that they serve no purpose and need killing off. Ricky re-tells a story to Steve about Karl choosing what animals he could have as pets if there were no limitations. Karl plumped for a hippo and a rhino but argues today he would have a scorpion 'in a box'. After talk turns to monkeys, Karl struggles to remember a story about desert monkeys and scorpions living together (they were lizards not monkeys) and Ricky notes that all of Karl's thoughts inevitably turn to monkeys. Onto the second part of Educating Ricky and Rick opts for the headline 'Is the tip included?'. Before Karl can explain the story, he is sidetracked into a story about his holiday to Turkey where Suzanne was being pestered by a midget/dwarf in the kitchen who fancied her. Steve asks if it was a theme holiday but Karl thinks it's just because they are cheap labour.

11. Turkish Knobs (0:46:27)

Karl finally explains the second Educating Ricky story about a man who was on holiday in Turkey who found out that the restaurant were performing circumcisions at meal times. Ricky isn't impressed with the story and is worried that it borders on racism. Karl argues that the lesson is to never go to Turkey, or at least don't risk eating calamari while there.

12. Bean There Done That (0:49:02)

Karl recites the final Educating Ricky story. As Stephen correctly guesses, this is about beans and Karl explains how a child in Kenya got a bean stuck in his ear. His parents took him to the doctors to get it removed but after discovering they couldn't pay the bill, he re-inserted the bean. Karl isn't sure how the story ended and presumes they either saved up, removed the bean themselves or got a cheaper doctor. Karl apologises for this week's stories but mentions another story about a man being covered 98% in tattoos apart from his toes as it probably looks stupid. Ricky puts it out to mentalist listeners to email Karl if they want to be interviewed for next week's show.

13. Craptic Clues (0:54:25)

Steve and Ricky contest Karl's answers to Rockbusters, beginning a long standing joke that the clues aren't very well contrived and often need a specific accent to make the answer fit the clue. Ricky gets annoyed as Karl tries to finished the show 5 minutes early but Karl defies him and cuts him off.

Quotes

Ricky: That's the terrible thing though isn't it? It's like Karl is my pet but I realise I've got to release him into the wild you know, and because I love him, I know he's got to go free but I wanna...I wanna...
Steve: It's like Kes. Maybe someone will beat him to death and we won't have to worry?!

Karl: Mrs Matthews said I'd never be a high flier.
Ricky: How wrong was she?! I think we should call Mrs. Matthews and make her eat her words!

Steve: I didn't watch any TV this week. The only TV I watched was, erm, "Are You Good In Bed?"...I already knew the answer.
Ricky: What is it?...Did you have to tick points?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Right.
Steve: It was no. I was off the scale.

Steve: Incidentally, I've had an email here from someone called Sauder, don't know if that's a he or a she but let's assume it was a she for glamour's sake...she says she saw an old man eating a twix last week Karl, so that blows your theory out of the water.
Karl: I'm not having it.
Steve: ...Ok!

Ricky: (Karl) said "Suzanne's hired the oldest removal man in London"
Karl: You should hear him. The thing is right, we've booked him, we booked him cos everyone else happened to be booked out but this fella's free. So he called up this morning and I'd never spoke to him but he was on the phone and he sounded about 90.
Ricky: Karl thinks he gonna have to do all the work!

Ricky: We're into the second hour now. This is when this award winning show really kicks into gear.
Steve: ...When you say award winning...?
Ricky: We haven't won em yet, I mean, we will win some....
Steve: Hang on! Let me remind you...wasn't there a bronze in the Sony Awards??!

Ricky: Karl just said to me "Here you are, here's something. You can't hold your breath to death!"
Steve: Have you tried it Karl?
Karl: ..little fact ...just a little lesson

Karl: Listen, right. I'll always be a part of this.

Rockbusters

Stop throwing that fruit about. C.B.
That Scottish fella has made an error. M
God, you can make a right load of toast with them. G

Trivia

• When Ricky invokes listeners to call in for material for "Pilkington", he asks for people who think they can live forever, which Karl later did in an extra for the Fame DVD.

Playlist

Red Hot Chili Peppers - The Zephyr Song
David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust
Death In Vegas feat. Liam Gallagher - Scorpio Rising
Jim O'Rourke - All Downhill From Here
Missy Elliot - Work It
Radiohead - Street Spirit
Feeder - Come Back Around
Doves - Caught By The River
Papa Garcia - Natalie & Nucy
Notorious B.I.G feat. Puff Daddy and Lil' Kim - Notorious
Badly Drawn Boy - Born Again
U2 - Electrical Storm
Johnny Cash - Desperado