19 April 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Claire Sturgess is stepping in for Karl who is on holiday with Suzanne's parents in Madeira. Steve has been ill in the week.


For a partial transcript of this episode see 19 April 2003/Transcript.

1. He's Packing Margarine (0:00:00)

Suzanne's dad was overly cautious about necessities to pack for their trip. Steve's parents always take teabags when they go away as well. A tea discussion turns into smutty innuendo and name-calling.

2. I'm Quite a Weak Child (0:02:00)

Ricky could be a proper American soft rock DJ after 11pm. He listens to Saga Radio now. Ricky's got a bad back and Steve thinks he might have SARS. Steve could've come in contact with some Chinese people at the BAFTAs. There are some dregs at the NHS in Swiss Cottage. Steve didn't want to pay for a doctor in case it wasn't SARS. Ricky didn't mind the day off. Steve has been to the doctor's twice with Ricky, who used to go more often.

3. Apparently I Looked Like Tattoo From Fantasy Island (00:07:45)

Claire looks forward to being in for Karl but gets a little nervous. At least Claire knows what she is saying. They won 2 BAFTAs (4 total) but Claire wants to talk about Ricky's white suit. Steve didn't think it was a good idea and ponders why celebrities think they can wear whatever they want. Anne Robinson liked Ricky. Ricky hates when celebrities get political and doesn't know why anyone would care what they think. Members of Coronation Street wanted Louise Woodward released, and Steve fancied her because of the danger. What is Wooders up to now? Good luck to her. Steve's free for the next 8 years.

4. A Toast! To Des O'Connor! (0:14:54)

There's nothing on the telly during the day. Des and Mel. Joe Pasquale. Des doesn't quite sing. Louise Woodward has been spotted around the country making sales. They need to consult their lawyers.

5. What Karl Would Have Wanted (0:17:43)

Teeny little link between song and ads.

6. The Public Are Stupid (0:18:02)

Karl's in Madeira, which he thinks is where the cake is from. Karl is essentially a 50 year old man. Ricky prefers it to Greece where everyone was English. Butlins chat. Steve once saw a tribute band to Status Quo there. Ricky saw David Copperfield (not the magician), and a boy-girl duo called Joint Effort there. On the last night, the Redcoats and Joint Effort sang We are the World. David Copperfield is a thatcher now, and he prefers it. David Van Day prefers selling burgers to records. Ricky watches Reborn in the USA and bursts into song. People recognize Tony Hadley now. Ricky tells his Claire about the time Bucks Fizz tried to smuggle Seona Dancing onto an aeroplane. American (Pop) Idol is really good, and Simon Cowell makes more sense in that context. Ricky and Steve don't think people should be allowed to vote on reality shows because they don't understand it. Celebrity Big Brother is on the dock next, and Ricky would never do the show. He'd get voted off before the show started and would win by default. Claire saw Sandy Cummings at Selfridges, where he's a personal shopper. Ricky's an expert on personal shopping. Steve's going back to Bristol this weekend.

7. Waiting to Die? (0:28:08)

Ricky loves Radiohead and had to replace The Bends on CD because he wore it out. A Toast! To Radiohead! Steve likes to be ill like he's in the movies. Steve talks about daytime TV adverts and thinks the Claims adverts are subtle ways of teaching people to get rich quick. Innovations Catalogue is being closed down. Ricky and Claire respectively bought oxygen. Steve worked for a lower class version catalogue where they would scam old ladies. Jane bought Ricky an abs master he wore while watching TV, drinking wine and eating cheese. A toast to Innovations.

8. Because the Show is so Carefully Planned (0:37:51)

The Pink Floyd song Steve brought in is messed up so they stop it.

9. E: I Don't Like Spike Lee. I'm a Racist (0:38:46)

A very quick Cheap as Chimps as done by Ricky. They've got pairs of tickets to give away to the new Spike Lee film 25th Hour, and the quiz question is "Do you want to go to this?" with multiple choice answers.

10. Call Your Family and Tell Them It's a Girl (0:41:13)

Competition winner announced, and more toasting. On the back of the TV magazine Steve reads the advert for Dearest Rose. Ricky's favourite was of a baby girl doll which a 45 year old woman with bunches would buy. Steve's seen one of a baby wearing a Harley Davidson outfit. A LOTR wedding ring. Houses with polythene on the three piece suite waiting for Tony Blair to visit. Cliff Richard plates and Blue Tulip Rose Read. Who would Steve choose between her or Louise Woodward?

11. Happy Egg (0:47:57)

Coldplay is live on Xfm tonite. A toast. Karl is dead wood, so email him and Andrew Phillips saying the show was better without Karl.


Steve: I am going back to Bristol this weekend, I have got 100 pounds to spend, so I am looking to get a three piece suite, dinner suit, who knows.
Ricky: A wife.
Steve: Possibly. I think my sister's back.


U2 - Beautiful Day
Blur - Out of Time
Bruce Springsteen - Lonesome Day
Turin Brakes - Painkiller (Summer Rain)
Stone Roses - Ten Storey Love Song
Peter Gabriel - Solsbury Hill
Placebo - The Bitter End
Neil Young - A Man Needs A Maid
Radiohead - There There
Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow
The Smiths - Reel Around The Fountain
Coldplay - Clocks
Ed Harcourt - The Birds Will Sing For Us

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...